To start with, we did see two shows in Branson. One was at the Sight &Sound Theater, and that was the expensive bathroom visit. The other one was at our hotel, and we chose the comedy, after being promised that it was family friendly.
It lived up to expectations except for the whole "family friendly" part. The very first thing that happened was that four entertainers (two men and two women) sang "Good Night." It is a song I have heard enough to know, but never really registered the lyrics.
Remember that awkward scene in Arrested Development when Michael and his niece pick "the first song in the book" for karaoke at the company Christmas party? And then they are halfway through "Afternoon Delight" before they realize what the lyrics to that song actually mean? Yeah, it was like that.
They slowed it down and sort of acted it out...and we were all squirming in our seats, thankful the kids were too young to really get it.
Then came the jokes. Some were only crude, which is offensive enough for me. I try so hard to teach my kids to be ladies and gentlemen, and there are already far too many people who teach them the opposite. Then came one of the "funny" songs. I'm not sure where, or really how, it went wrong.
Something about having a cow that didn't give milk, until a rooster came along. Then they had egg nog.
Ok, mildly uncomfortable, but kind of funny.
The dog, previously bereft of motherhood, managed to have some bird dogs after that rooster came along.
Well, I guess this is one of those old camp songs or something, and I can get over the rooster impregnating everything in the yard. Until...
There was something about an aunt...
We were all holding our breath.
Then something about the rooster catching her behind the barn.
Really?
But "HAHA, everyone!" they changed the lyrics right-quick to "we're having fried rooster." So we were all relieved but still uncomfortable with the direction this was taking.
And then they continued the song. The aunt had to be put in a psychiatric facility, and maybe there was more after that, but I was so lost and confused that I can't really remember it exactly.
And lest you start to think you're accidentally reading the news right now, you're not. This is really what they were singing at a "family friendly comedy show."
It also happens to be the only part of any show that our children remember to this day, belting it wildly in the car everywhere we go. Thanks, Branson!
I do have a short list of travel tips, if you're still with me after hearing all of this scandal.
- Pack everything you need before you leave, and bring ALL of the suitcases. Under no circumstances are you to leave the most important one sitting at the front door, expecting a 10-year-old boy to remember to pick it up.
- Try out the in-room coffee before you get stuck in there the next morning, waiting three hours for your kids to wake up. Trust me.
- When your children spend the ride home singing a questionable song about an amorous rooster, be very glad that they were too short to see the grown man on stage put his knees in his shirt in an imitation of Dolly Parton. As a matter of fact, don't go see that show at all.
- This is all I really learned.
- Steer clear of this guy:
