I Can't Haz Internetz

I got up far too early this morning and had time to browse through some of my old favorite blogs, but I was disappointed to find that most of them had quit publishing - ALL of them due to depression. I am not going to trivialize the true issues that people who deal with depression face, but this is a long story so I have to basically skip to the part where I became super self-absorbed.

See, after seeing all of this from some of the funniest women I know (of), it reminded me that brilliant and hilarious people are often faced with very tough issues, and many of them suffer from some sort of mental illness. So...obviously I started to get all OHNOI'MDEPRESSEDNOWIKNOWIT! Not because I'm brilliant or hilarious, but because I also have a blog. (Logic.)

Fast forward a few hours, I'm watching a movie on Netflix with my sons, and THE INTERNETZ BROKE. I realized a few days ago how web-addicted I am, but I quickly justified it with the fact that I literally have no job if I don't have you, Internetz. The fact that I do half my reading, all of my TV watching and news consumption, and about 90% of my socializing online is a job hazard. Right? Right.....?

So when the ZOMGINTERNETZBROKE of 2012 happened, I may have tweaked out. Only a little. I spent hours on the phone with the ISP. Again, this could be its own blog post (or its own entire blog) but this is a long story already. At the end of all this time, the man said that my modem was broken...surprise! It broke exactly one week To The Hour past my warranty. Coincidence? Maybe. But the same thing happened with my router a few months ago so I think not.

I decided to just go to bed. But then I remembered the whole depression thing and I thought "OH NOES! If I just go to bed, that's the first step to me waking up to no Internetz tomorrow, then I won't want any Internetz because it's Sunday, so I'll wake up on Monday with no Internetz and I'll get fired for not working and lose all my friends and I won't know what's going on in the world and never watch TV again and make drastically long run-on sentences....it's BEGINNING!

So about an hour past the time the boys should've been in bed, I load them up in the car and run to Walmart for a modem. (What? I hate Walmart? Why yes I do - but who else would have one tonight?) They had cable modems. Waaayyyy back on the shelf, all dusty and lonely, I found a dial-up modem. But I am apparently the last person on Earth using DSL.

After all of that, I wanted to get myself a little surprise for my trouble, so I walked around literally searching for one tiny thing in the entire store that I wanted. I found a red trashcan. And shampoo. Three dollars total, and I hated Walmart even more for not having stuff I wanted to waste money on. But they had one lane open and 20 people standing in it, so I shouted, "Let's go boys! We'll shop with people who know how to manage a store!" And my sons weren't embarrassed at all.

We went to Target. No DSL there, either. I didn't even bother wasting money there, because I already know Target has All The Things I Want.


I was already a little mad at the ISP guy on the phone, because from where he was in India, he could see my modem, and from where I was at my desk, I could see it. (By see it, I mean it was a "recognized" device.) So at what point was it "broken"?

See, internet is just exactly like plumbing. You get Internetz (water) through the cable running into your house. Then some more cables (just like pipes) take the Internetz to the modem, which is like a valve. If the valve were clogged, you wouldn't be able to see through it. But I could see right through the modem. Anyway, the modem sends Internetz on to a router, which is basically the sprinkler system, and the router showers Internetz all over your house. They are then collected in the "sinks" - your various devices, such as laptops and whatnot.

Incidentally, that's why it took us awhile to get cloud-computing...one day it got real hot and a bunch of Internetz evaporated and made a cloud we can put cool stuff in.

Anyway, because I could see through the valve, I should've had Internetz running freely to my router. But I didn't. You know how your water dude can shut off your water at the meter? That's a valve. (I think - I'm sorta making this up in case you couldn't tell.) When I came home from Target, Internetz were ALL OVER my floor because the modem had magically started working and was leaking everywhere because I hadn't bothered to plug it back into the router.

So what happened, ISP? Were you so interested in using this phone call to sell me a new modem that you didn't think to wait to turn the valve back on until AFTER I had actually bought one? I want to know.

The moral of the story is that I would've battled my make-believe depression much better if it weren't for my ISP and Walmart. Thanks a lot, guys.

And please keep my blogger friends in your prayers - if they don't bring the funny back, it's going to be left to people like me, and I don't want to be responsible for breaking the Internetz.

Crack, Weed and Xanax

When the momvan 'sploded yesterday, I made an instant decision that I wasn't going to let it stress me out. Yes, I realize that I don't have a job, and that I have to get seven people where they belong every day, and that there is absolutely no way that I can fix this situation, but being all pissy about it won't help anything, right?

I was very proud of myself, I didn't yell or cry or anything. And I was actually in a good mood. There is a certain freedom that comes with realizing that you can't fix something and you just have to see what happens...it's an adventure, yo. Also, my brother in law (the one that is famous) is letting me use his truck for a few days (well, my sister is letting me use his truck, and I'm not sure if she told him or not), and I kind of like it better than ANY van, so I don't mind "needing" to drive the truck around. *sigh* how I miss my truck.

Whatever, anyway...When I decide not to stress, I usually find that I have some physical reaction. When I was a kid and got nervous or excited, I would be sick for two weeks at a time and lose 15 pounds. I wish I still had that problem. Then, it turned into migraines, then I held my breath without noticing until I got all dizzy or woke up dead (which, pretty bad start to any day, ya know?). That changed to clenching my jaw to the point that my face hurt so bad I once went to my doc and told him I was having a stroke but he laughed at me. For the last few months, I've really been working on not doing that, because it does hurt and I don't like it.

When I left my momvan on the side of the road, my neck started itching, but I wasn't throwing up, I didn't have a headache, I was breathing and my teeth weren't clenched, so it's all good, right? Nope. Now, I have this awesome itchy neck and face thing, which made for a good impression during class today when I looked like I was addicted to crack.

I want to know where you're supposed to store stress? It's going to come out, I think. Either you freak out and yell or cry, or your body starts falling apart. Did you know that zombies are really people who are just having stress reactions? Neither did I until I woke up as a zombie this morning, with my skin falling off and a strange craving for flesh...but now I know. In case of the zombie apocalypse, just hit 'em with some Xanax, and while you're at it, light a joint and save yourself, yo.

And I'm a little angry at you, Interwebz, because I get lots of readers but few followers. This isn't a problem, really, other than the fact that I don't know who is reading, and what if I need to ask a question but I don't know if any of you can answer it? For instance, if I wanted to know how trustworthy an old Chevy 6.5L turbo diesel may be, would you know? I don't know if you would know! This is a problem, Interwebz. A serious problem. Interwebz, I don't want to have to Google you, so will you just be honest with me about this issue? Otherwise I may have to turn this into a diesel blog, and I'm pretty sure that you don't want that. Also? Diesel is awesome, but not funny, so I don't want that, either.

Feeeeeeeeeeeelings.....

My inner girlie girl found me today. That happens when I sit still, she catches up to me. I was at church, and she gets me there a lot...that's one full hour she knows I'm not going anywhere.

I was trying very hard to ignore her and it was taking all of my focus, but my very nice baby brother (who probably saw that the girl was bothering me) offered to take Donovan, who was being a giant pain in the bootay, and it distracted me just enough that she caught me.

Yep, you guessed it...she made me cry. And it wasn't the nice pretty tearing up kind of crying, either, like the movie stars do. It was the sobbing, gasping, messy kind of crying.

So, I did the Right Thing and ran out of the church to find a less conspicuous place to banish the girl. On the way, I tried not to look at anyone and I knocked over some guy...since I wasn't looking, I'm not sure who it was. I hope he and the baby he was carrying were ok, but I never figured out who it was.

He's lucky though, because all I could see of him was a crisp white dress shirt, and it was a tad tempting to use it as a tear sopper, but since I was refusing to look at anyone and therefore didn't know if he was a serial killer or not, I didn't do it.

I was trying really hard not to lose it on the way down the hall, but I didn't quite make it, and did that omg-I-SUCK-at-trying-not-to-cry snort, and inhaled my gum. This, my friends, is why you're not allowed to chew gum at church. Something was telling me to spit it out, but Donovan was being so bad that I forgot. So that's what I get. Now, if I breathe too deep, I feel bubbles in my lungs. I'm sure that's nothing to worry about...totally fine, lung bubbles. They're awesome.

I went to the bathroom and tried to chill a little, and noticed that my face was the same color as the bright red sweatshirt I had on, which, at this point, can you tell that I wasn't at all ready to go to church today? Well, I wasn't, which means I wasn't wearing makeup either, and that's a bonus if your emotions decide to explode on you with no warning.

And now people are asking me what's wrong, and I have the best story of all for them: Uh...I don't really know. I just lost it a little. Ok, a lot. But I'm not sure why. Because I try to deny the fact that sometimes feelings don't just go away...I don't know.

Moral of the story, folks:
1. Don't chew gum in church
2. Remember to get dressed for church
3. Lung bubbles are full of the Awesome
4. Never wear makeup
5. Emotions are assholes, yo

Comedy and Tragedy

Have you ever noticed that the funniest people are also the most tortured? Most great comedians have had pretty rough lives.

When I was about eight, I decided I wanted to do stand-up when I grew up. Right. It was after a glimpse of SNL in which Dana Carvey was George Bush making campaign promises. I wasn't really old enough to know why it was funny at the time, but it was enough to saddle my parents with countless evenings watching me try in vain to be "Dana-Carvey-doing-George-Bush".

Needless to say, the pity laughs were present and obvious, so I vowed that no matter what else I did, I would be funny some day.

Damn. Another dream bites the dust.

I have been tortured, world! Where is my funny??? I go out and do things on purpose that are going to cause me great harm, just so I can find the funny, but it never comes. Or actually, it's really funny but also completely inappropriate! What's up with that? When I do get the funny, I would get in trouble for sharing it.

I think this isn't fair. Do you realize what this means? I wasn't ever the little girl who dreamed of Prince Charming and what my wedding would look like. I never wanted to be a princess or the first woman president or anything sweet and charming like that. I wanted to be a tortured, drunk, cigarette smoking stand-up comedienne...it's all I wanted out of life. So instead, I'm learning how to use a calculator super-fast. Awesome, yo.

I guess I wouldn't really like life on the road, being all famous and dealing with expectations of constant funny. It would be hard. So I just smoke the cigarettes.

Personality Tests

Today at school I had to take one of those personality tests for some seminar on "How Not to Kill Your Coworkers" or something tomorrow.  I despise those tests!  For one thing, I'm at school for accounting, not for finding myself.  And not to learn how not to kill people, or whatever it is.  I just wanna get the piece of paper that says I know stuff and go get a damn job, that's it.  Obviously, I manage to not kill people every day, so I think 30 years experience speaks for itself.  Especially when I am my father's daughter and especially even more when I was my ex's wife and most especially when I am a ninja. 

However, this stuff is "required", which means you get suspended or something if you don't go, so I had to take the stupid test.

The other reason I hate those tests is because I am never anything.  I am usually 25% of each of the four personalities, which means I never belong anywhere.  I honestly don't know how people end up being just one color (this one labels us as colors).  I mean, look at the choices here:

Chose one of the following:  Fun, Being on Time, Friends, Hard-Working

I mean, really?  Why?  Why can't I be all of those?  And I'm not even sure what they meant by "friends"...do I like friends?  Do I have them?  Am I one myself?  I don't know, but the answer is YES!  The thing is, I like fun, and I also work hard.  And I absolutely heart being on time, but I did go ahead and give that the lowest rating because my kids make me late constantly. 

Then I had to rate:  Impulsive, Good with Money, Loyal, Independent

Um...yes?  I mean what?  I'm impulsive, but I'm not impulsive with money...and since when are loyalty and independence mutually exclusive?  I don't get it!  So I rated independent lowest, because I am anything but that right now in reality, although my personality is waaayyyy too independent. 

Another one asked me to rate: Positive, Nature, Calm, Professional

There wasn't a box for "I am positive that it is my nature to be calm and professional.  I had to rate professional the lowest, because while I am very good at being professional, I completely hate it.  Then nature was second lowest, because I didn't know what that meant.  Do I have a nature?  Do I have nature?  Am I in nature?  Do I like nature?  Yes.  But still, what does it even mean???

So, I used this test to kill the last ten minutes of class, which was a bad idea, because it messed up my chill that came from two straight hours of typing random numbers for speed and accuracy, which is the most boring thing EVER, and calms me down.

What I discovered from the test is that I am equal in all four personalities, and when I have to go to the seminar tomorrow, I won't know which group to sit with, because they said that, while someone will very rarely have two personalities that are strong for them, they never have more.  Anyone who scored high in two is supposed to pick the one they think they identify with more.  Logically, I could do that and nobody would know the difference, but what if I pick the blues?  They are all no nonsense and follow the rules, which sounds safe but boring to me. The oranges are all fun and games and never get anything done, so I'd look like an idiot over there.  The greens are compassionate and caring, but I don't want to end up counseling the counselors...because it has nothing to do with why I'm there.  And the last group is gold, and they are respectful and like little cute puppy dogs only already trained.  I may choose this group, because my class is supposed to be either gold or blue, because those are the anal accounting types, but I don't really fit in with that type.  Accounting isn't exactly my passion, it's just something I happen to be able to do.

So...I hate personality tests, is my point, and now I feel all left out among people who actually do have a personality, and I either have none or I have multiple, which honestly, fits right in with my life theme anyway but is still kinda' depressing to think about buying enough cigarettes for four of me.

For Sale

Household Dysfunction Going Out of Business Sale!

Everything must go!  Hurry, these items will go fast!

1 - 6 pack of Natty Light, half-consumed.  Actually, half of three consumed, because who can drink a whole one?  Three times I thought the alcohol content would be worth it, three times it wasn't. 

18 - shoes, each missing its mate.  Various sizes.  Includes a free treasure map written by two-year-olds to help you locate the missing shoe.

1 - pr. of boxing gloves, useful for those drinking bones connected to the party bones connected to the staying out all night long nights.  Never used - decided it was fists or nothin.

4 - busted alarm clocks.  Perfect for those mornings when nobody wants to get anywhere when they belong there.

1 - giant couch.  Contains everything you need to discourage visitors in your living room, including knife punctures, childrens' names written in permanent marker, a small amount of snot and spit-up, dog hair, minimal amount of stuffing (including a portion hanging out at the top), *coffee stains and a very interesting smell. 

514 - psychotropic pills in a variety of strengths and brands.  Never tried them myself, but perhaps they would work on your own partner.  (Warning:  Apparently, they don't work if they stay in the bottle???)

1 million - pre-smoked ciggies.  All smoked at peak midnight hours during awesome emotional break-downs and hours long conversations with besties. 

6 - kids who NEVER EVER SLEEP!  Not for permanent sale, but you may come over and tell them to go to bed four thousand times each night.  (BONUS:  This one is FREE!)

17 - video games, various consoles.  Good for anyone who doesn't want to see their spouse for ten years or so.

1 - divorce attorney.  Doesn't return emails promptly.  Is very nice with shiny hair and watch.  Wears fancy shoes, and knows big words. 

1 - DHS social worker.  Comes free with a false charge.

BONUS BUY:  One dead something.  Free to first person who can get it out of the attic.  Extra smelly. 

All items are first come, first serve. 

Happy Dysfunctioning!

*I didn't spill it, the dog did. ;)