Today I finally finished proving that I should be allowed to raise my own kids. Even though I am feeling a little triumphant about that, I am still very angry, because being allowed to raise my own kids isn't really something at which anyone should have to feel they won. Because, well, you're supposed to do that. Raise your own kids, I mean. And it's a little creepy knowing that the government can decide that your kids would be better off with someone else. (Please don't explain to me the reason for DHS..I know they do good work, too. I also know that some people should never be allowed to contact them.)
Also, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to talk about this on the Interwebz, but I don't care because, as un-classy as it is to have DHS showing up on your porch, I'm not the un-classy idiot who called them over here. They didn't give me the Class Award, either, but they did say that I wasn't a danger to society or to my children, so that's something to be proud of, I guess...Something I can shout from the rooftops..."Hey, WORLD! I don't suck as bad as someone thought I did!!!!" Stick that in your birthday cake and blow it out, you DHS-calling peace-stealer. (Oh, I have better names than that, I'm saving them.)
So, I got the You Don't Suck Too Bad award. It looks more like a business card stuck in a pamphlet explaining what Child Protective Services is all about, but really, it's a classy award. No. It is. For me. Because I don't suck. Well, because I don't suck too bad, hence the name. I'm not going to frame it or anything, because I don't want to look like I'm bragging when my friends come over with their kids, because just because they have their kids doesn't really mean that they don't suck as much as I don't suck. It could mean that they don't have an ex-husband or that he hasn't gotten around to telling DHS to give them their award yet, and I would hate for their feelings to be hurt that they don't have one. Not every single mom has an ex-husband at all, let alone one that still has such tender feelings for her that he will call her in her own special business card/pamphlet award from DHS. (Not that my ex called them, I'm pretty sure it was the Tooth Fairy, because two of the kids lost teeth last week, and she was the only other person with access to my house.) Also? Not everyone is as mediocrely sucky as me.
My kids are bummed because they thought they were going to go live in a magical castle where they would never have chores or homework, but instead, they get boring old mom with the chores and homework and everything, but I think they'll be ok. As much as they say they want ice cream every night, they sure weren't very impressed when they saw the curious lady from school at our house. They became ninjas right away and started planning what they would do if someone tried to make them live somewhere else. Their plan involved lots of hair pulling and screaming, which pretty much sounds like the same plan for any time they get in the car, and it sure works on me. About halfway home from school, I want to call DHS on myself, so I'm pretty sure their ninja plan was a great idea, because anyone who tried to take them anywhere would get halfway down our driveway and change their mind. My kids are smart, yo.
All-in-all, this week has SUCKED. I never really get angry, but it's on. Do not mess with my kids.
Showing posts with label government = ice cream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label government = ice cream. Show all posts
Sep 21, 2010
Life Truths, from Me to You
So that the entire world, nay, the entire Interwebz! (Mars is online, right?) can benefit from my experiences of the last two weeks, I will try to narrow it down to
Ten Life Truths:
1. If you wear enough eyeliner, people are afraid of you.
2. Sandwiches are always better if someone else makes them.
...
I meant Two Life Truths. Yeah. Because what else really matters, anyway?
Today was D-day for us...as in DHS day. It went fine, but they showed up right when I was leaving to pick up the kids from school. They looked around the house, and made an appointment to come back tomorrow. That'll be a fun talk. I'm going to love every second of that talk. No, really. Because if you have a bully, but you can't tell their mom, your teacher, your counselor, or the principle, I think you get to tell DHS. And they won't care, either, but it'll feel good to tattle. And I'll be all "nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo! I told on youuuuuu!" And stick my tongue out and stuff. Oh, how I miss kindergarten.
My dog just said that somebody is outside, so if this post ends here, call the police and my mommy, then rush over with cookies, because I kind of deserve cookies after the week I've had, and I don't think it's cool that my mom went out of town and didn't bring me any cookies first. If the post continues, please be informed that my dog is a LIAR, and he tells me that bad guys are outside because he thinks he can convince me that there really was a bad guy before Shucks scared him away with his Death Bark. So when I run to the window to check, he goes like this:
"Didja see the bad guy? Didja, Didja? Of course you didn't, because I skeered him away! Cookie time!"
So he gets a cookie, because I can afford to send him to badass school and cookies for barking is really the best I can do right now. Do you think there is a DHS for dogs? Will they get upset about the cookie thing? Or the badass thing, I wonder? Or maybe his porch isn't clean enough for him...perhaps I don't clean up his poo fast enough? Or maybe he needs better chow....dang it...I'll bet the Human DHS called the Dog DHS on me and now I'm in trouble with every-damn-body. I knew this would happen. I wonder if they interviewed him while I was off doing sinister things like laundry and dishes...oh I'm in trouuuuuuuubllllllle.
Crap! What if there's a DHS for Jason F. Brown...I know I've abused him. All three of him. Poor wittle Jason F. Brown...if there's a DHS for you, please don't call them on me, because I'm seriously booked till Christmas. Wait a minute....Is there a DHS for Christmas? Oh, man, because I know I am guilty of over-decorating at best, and could possibly be charged with bad karaoke on Christmas night. Actually, bad karaoke quite often...
...uh....
....there's not a DHS for karaoke, is there?
Aw, crap.
Ten Life Truths:
1. If you wear enough eyeliner, people are afraid of you.
2. Sandwiches are always better if someone else makes them.
...
I meant Two Life Truths. Yeah. Because what else really matters, anyway?
Today was D-day for us...as in DHS day. It went fine, but they showed up right when I was leaving to pick up the kids from school. They looked around the house, and made an appointment to come back tomorrow. That'll be a fun talk. I'm going to love every second of that talk. No, really. Because if you have a bully, but you can't tell their mom, your teacher, your counselor, or the principle, I think you get to tell DHS. And they won't care, either, but it'll feel good to tattle. And I'll be all "nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo! I told on youuuuuu!" And stick my tongue out and stuff. Oh, how I miss kindergarten.
My dog just said that somebody is outside, so if this post ends here, call the police and my mommy, then rush over with cookies, because I kind of deserve cookies after the week I've had, and I don't think it's cool that my mom went out of town and didn't bring me any cookies first. If the post continues, please be informed that my dog is a LIAR, and he tells me that bad guys are outside because he thinks he can convince me that there really was a bad guy before Shucks scared him away with his Death Bark. So when I run to the window to check, he goes like this:
"Didja see the bad guy? Didja, Didja? Of course you didn't, because I skeered him away! Cookie time!"
So he gets a cookie, because I can afford to send him to badass school and cookies for barking is really the best I can do right now. Do you think there is a DHS for dogs? Will they get upset about the cookie thing? Or the badass thing, I wonder? Or maybe his porch isn't clean enough for him...perhaps I don't clean up his poo fast enough? Or maybe he needs better chow....dang it...I'll bet the Human DHS called the Dog DHS on me and now I'm in trouble with every-damn-body. I knew this would happen. I wonder if they interviewed him while I was off doing sinister things like laundry and dishes...oh I'm in trouuuuuuuubllllllle.
Crap! What if there's a DHS for Jason F. Brown...I know I've abused him. All three of him. Poor wittle Jason F. Brown...if there's a DHS for you, please don't call them on me, because I'm seriously booked till Christmas. Wait a minute....Is there a DHS for Christmas? Oh, man, because I know I am guilty of over-decorating at best, and could possibly be charged with bad karaoke on Christmas night. Actually, bad karaoke quite often...
...uh....
....there's not a DHS for karaoke, is there?
Aw, crap.
I'm too classy for DHS...so classssssy
Dear People Who Won't STOP SCREWING WITH ME,
I have had six sick children this week. I have missed one day less than the maximum of school days in order to be with these sick children. I am one absence away from academic probation, not based on my grades, but on the fact that my kids come first, and I needed to take care of them.
So today, after I got home from picking up the non-sick children from school, it was just Totally Awesome when they found the note on my door from DHS. That was fan-freakin-tastic. What made it even better was that, in spite of my terrible mothering, they somehow know how to read.
As many times as I have used this blog to brag about the funny things my kids say, I never thought I would hear "Mommy, does this mean we have to go live with someone else?" Lovely, really. Because, for all of you who are "only thinking of the children"...I'm sure that makes your day. It's very good for kids to not ever feel secure and to wonder if today is the day they get to go live with strangers...I'm sure they're all very excited at the prospect. I just hope you don't feel bad that when it doesn't happen and you got their hopes up for nothing. I really. do. hope. you. don't. feel. bad. Because I'm sure that would suck for you.
It's also cool that people get to leave notes on my door, completely screw with my head, ask me to call them as soon as possible and then not return my phone calls. Thanks, yo. I hope you're having a nice relaxing evening at home with your family. I really do. Honestly. Because, ya' know, I am sure that would be nice after a stressful workday. Not that I know that first hand, but I'm sure it's nice for you.
Also, I am just loving the idea that I, as a parent, am expected to entrust my children to total strangers at the public school, yet the strangers cannot entrust my children to me, their mother, but felt the need to interview my kids behind my back, without my consent, without even telling me afterward. That's just amazing of you guys, really. Don't send them home with their mother until we lock them alone in a room with a complete stranger. Totally appropriate, really.
Also? Really a good day to send home yet another request for my kids to bring more shit up to the school. It really was. Because I'm all about supporting our schools, yo...because ya know, they're so awesome and everything. What with the learning, the interfering and all of the physical exams behind closed doors. Where do I send my check???????????
Is this because of the bruises? Probably not, because there was one scraped knee on a FOUR-year-old. Maybe because of the obvious malnutrition? Nope, nothing I can see...they're all a normal weight. Oh, I know, it's because of the fruit loop on the floor of the car! I knew that teacher was judging me for that.
Maybe because they were five minutes late to class? Because if anyone has a problem with that, they are welcome to come get all six of my kids out the door in the morning for me. Really, go ahead and do that for a week. Then multiply that by fifty-two, then again by ten, and maybe you'll know what I deal with here. Except you won't, unless you add in the rest of the day. Also, add in PEOPLE WHO SCREW WITH YOU. And you may want to add in the fact that you even have stresses that don't involve your children. But maybe not, because those things barely even register when compared with your kids. So try it out and get back with me. If you kick my ass at it, that's just awesome, but you won't. (By the way, the house needs to be clean, dinner needs to be made after you take the kids grocery shopping, five of them have homework that requires your help, they all need bathed, and the toilet is flooding....have fun! :D )
And lastly, to The Caller. Bravo. You've actually outdone yourself this time. I didn't know it could be done, but congratulations. I'm sure the kids would like to thank you, but I'm going to be a Super Bitch and not tell them who is responsible for this.
But here's the thing: I know who you are. And you have my sincere gratitude. Really. No, really. And let me tell you, my thanks is something you're just gonna' be so glad you have! LOL! No, really. Because I'm a Very Nice Girl, and I do things like make cookies and stuff, so I'm sure you'll have a gift basket or some other lovely thing coming your way, just as soon as I get done with all these pesky meetings and stuff.
Until then, my sincerest regards, and also some other feelings,
Me.
Ps: The Rednecks send their love.
I have had six sick children this week. I have missed one day less than the maximum of school days in order to be with these sick children. I am one absence away from academic probation, not based on my grades, but on the fact that my kids come first, and I needed to take care of them.
So today, after I got home from picking up the non-sick children from school, it was just Totally Awesome when they found the note on my door from DHS. That was fan-freakin-tastic. What made it even better was that, in spite of my terrible mothering, they somehow know how to read.
As many times as I have used this blog to brag about the funny things my kids say, I never thought I would hear "Mommy, does this mean we have to go live with someone else?" Lovely, really. Because, for all of you who are "only thinking of the children"...I'm sure that makes your day. It's very good for kids to not ever feel secure and to wonder if today is the day they get to go live with strangers...I'm sure they're all very excited at the prospect. I just hope you don't feel bad that when it doesn't happen and you got their hopes up for nothing. I really. do. hope. you. don't. feel. bad. Because I'm sure that would suck for you.
It's also cool that people get to leave notes on my door, completely screw with my head, ask me to call them as soon as possible and then not return my phone calls. Thanks, yo. I hope you're having a nice relaxing evening at home with your family. I really do. Honestly. Because, ya' know, I am sure that would be nice after a stressful workday. Not that I know that first hand, but I'm sure it's nice for you.
Also, I am just loving the idea that I, as a parent, am expected to entrust my children to total strangers at the public school, yet the strangers cannot entrust my children to me, their mother, but felt the need to interview my kids behind my back, without my consent, without even telling me afterward. That's just amazing of you guys, really. Don't send them home with their mother until we lock them alone in a room with a complete stranger. Totally appropriate, really.
Also? Really a good day to send home yet another request for my kids to bring more shit up to the school. It really was. Because I'm all about supporting our schools, yo...because ya know, they're so awesome and everything. What with the learning, the interfering and all of the physical exams behind closed doors. Where do I send my check???????????
Is this because of the bruises? Probably not, because there was one scraped knee on a FOUR-year-old. Maybe because of the obvious malnutrition? Nope, nothing I can see...they're all a normal weight. Oh, I know, it's because of the fruit loop on the floor of the car! I knew that teacher was judging me for that.
Maybe because they were five minutes late to class? Because if anyone has a problem with that, they are welcome to come get all six of my kids out the door in the morning for me. Really, go ahead and do that for a week. Then multiply that by fifty-two, then again by ten, and maybe you'll know what I deal with here. Except you won't, unless you add in the rest of the day. Also, add in PEOPLE WHO SCREW WITH YOU. And you may want to add in the fact that you even have stresses that don't involve your children. But maybe not, because those things barely even register when compared with your kids. So try it out and get back with me. If you kick my ass at it, that's just awesome, but you won't. (By the way, the house needs to be clean, dinner needs to be made after you take the kids grocery shopping, five of them have homework that requires your help, they all need bathed, and the toilet is flooding....have fun! :D )
And lastly, to The Caller. Bravo. You've actually outdone yourself this time. I didn't know it could be done, but congratulations. I'm sure the kids would like to thank you, but I'm going to be a Super Bitch and not tell them who is responsible for this.
But here's the thing: I know who you are. And you have my sincere gratitude. Really. No, really. And let me tell you, my thanks is something you're just gonna' be so glad you have! LOL! No, really. Because I'm a Very Nice Girl, and I do things like make cookies and stuff, so I'm sure you'll have a gift basket or some other lovely thing coming your way, just as soon as I get done with all these pesky meetings and stuff.
Until then, my sincerest regards, and also some other feelings,
Me.
Ps: The Rednecks send their love.
Sep 6, 2010
Why my kids want to go live somewhere else...
Today, I had the pleasure of being told by my children that they want to move away. Well, five of them do, the other one happens to not be ungrateful...or he knows how to play the game. Either way, props to him. On the other hand, I can hardly blame them. Here are their reasons:
1. They want to go to a different school. Absolutely, the school they attend is one of the best in the nation. Best = hard, yo. I have actually complained about this school in a previous post, so I don't have much ground on which to stand here. However, I'm pretty sure that "school is hard" is a common childhood complaint no matter what school you attend, so they probably won't get many supporters based on that one.
2. They want to see their old friends more often. Never mind the fact that they never saw them when we lived there, and half of them have moved away. We also won't mention the fact that they just totally said that they would rather see their friends than their own mother...like I said, ungrateful...Also? Not Cool, because I am a cool mom, and all kids should want to spend time with me. Mine are obviously crazy, because what kid in their right mind would choose friends over Mom???)
3. Work. Because I have my kids Monday through Friday, and those are school/homework/housework days. On the weekends, it's all fun and games, and guess what? That's not at my house. They would like to see less work and more video games, please. A valid argument, your honor.
4. This one is truly the most important, and also the reason I may go ahead and let them go: Ice Cream. If they lived elsewhere, there would be ice cream every day. So, psh, yeah. I wanna' go live there, too. I didn't realize about the free ice cream. I wonder if it's Ben and Jerry's...I should ask, because that would definitely be a convincing point.
1. They want to go to a different school. Absolutely, the school they attend is one of the best in the nation. Best = hard, yo. I have actually complained about this school in a previous post, so I don't have much ground on which to stand here. However, I'm pretty sure that "school is hard" is a common childhood complaint no matter what school you attend, so they probably won't get many supporters based on that one.
2. They want to see their old friends more often. Never mind the fact that they never saw them when we lived there, and half of them have moved away. We also won't mention the fact that they just totally said that they would rather see their friends than their own mother...like I said, ungrateful...Also? Not Cool, because I am a cool mom, and all kids should want to spend time with me. Mine are obviously crazy, because what kid in their right mind would choose friends over Mom???)
3. Work. Because I have my kids Monday through Friday, and those are school/homework/housework days. On the weekends, it's all fun and games, and guess what? That's not at my house. They would like to see less work and more video games, please. A valid argument, your honor.
4. This one is truly the most important, and also the reason I may go ahead and let them go: Ice Cream. If they lived elsewhere, there would be ice cream every day. So, psh, yeah. I wanna' go live there, too. I didn't realize about the free ice cream. I wonder if it's Ben and Jerry's...I should ask, because that would definitely be a convincing point.
Aug 27, 2010
Police, Field Trips, and Why Emma gets Left at School from Now On...
I took the kids to the police station today on the way home from school. I thought this would be a great way to break up the screaming/fighting/murdering that goes on in the back seat all the way home, and also be a chance for the kids to learn something. We all piled out of the car, went inside and sat in the lobby.
Officer: Ma'am, can I help you with something?
Me: :::looks closely at the officer::: Prolly not...got any big scary officers back there we can talk to?
Officer: Is there something you need help with?
Me: Yes, but I just don't think you're quite the right public servant...I need someone scary.
Officer: Ma'am, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but if you are here for a reason, you can tell me about it and I will direct you to the right person.
Me: Well, my kids were trying to kill each other on the way home from school. After my ears started bleeding and I was tempted to just get out and let my fourth grader take the wheel, I decided to bring them here.
Officer: We don't arrest children.
Me: :::puppy face::: pwwweeeease????
Officer: :::sighs::: I think you need to leave.
Me: Wait! I've seen those talk shows where you guys get a big scary officer and have him yell at the bad kids until they cry and then they change their ways and their moms are so happy and relaxed after that...can I get some of that?
Officer: This isn't a drive-through.
Me: Aren't you a public servant? Well....I'm part of the public, right? So fix my kid, I order thee!
Officer: Ma'am, if I have to go get a big scary officer, he will be coming after you, not the kids.
Me: Oh. :::sad face:::
Officer: :::taps foot:::
Me: Ok, wait, I have one more question...
Officer: ...
Me: Oh, well, uh, see, my daughter Emma? She screams all the way home, and she's like, unnaturally loud. I thought maybe you could give her a job? Help her work out some of her frustrations? She's four, but she's very precocious.
Officer: A job?
Me: ....yes?
Officer: Are you serious?
Me: yes?
Officer: You want your four year old little girl to be a police officer? I'm calling CPS...
Me: No! :::grabs the phone from him and hangs it up::: :::chuckles::: Of course not! I thought she could be a siren.
Officer: A...siren?
Me: Yeah, like the thing that makes all the noise when you need people to get out of the way? She's good at that. When we left the school today, we didn't have to worry about traffic because she was pulling people over all the way here.
Officer: Are you talking about (my kids' school) right when it got out? Because we did have an emergency in that area, and there was a minivan that would not get out of the officer's way. Would that have been you?
Me: No, I saw that van, it wasn't me. I was in the van who pulled that officer over because even he thought I was an emergency vehicle.
Officer: You need to go. Now.
Me: So, we'll just get back to you on the job...? No?
Officer: Ma'am, can I help you with something?
Me: :::looks closely at the officer::: Prolly not...got any big scary officers back there we can talk to?
Officer: Is there something you need help with?
Me: Yes, but I just don't think you're quite the right public servant...I need someone scary.
Officer: Ma'am, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but if you are here for a reason, you can tell me about it and I will direct you to the right person.
Me: Well, my kids were trying to kill each other on the way home from school. After my ears started bleeding and I was tempted to just get out and let my fourth grader take the wheel, I decided to bring them here.
Officer: We don't arrest children.
Me: :::puppy face::: pwwweeeease????
Officer: :::sighs::: I think you need to leave.
Me: Wait! I've seen those talk shows where you guys get a big scary officer and have him yell at the bad kids until they cry and then they change their ways and their moms are so happy and relaxed after that...can I get some of that?
Officer: This isn't a drive-through.
Me: Aren't you a public servant? Well....I'm part of the public, right? So fix my kid, I order thee!
Officer: Ma'am, if I have to go get a big scary officer, he will be coming after you, not the kids.
Me: Oh. :::sad face:::
Officer: :::taps foot:::
Me: Ok, wait, I have one more question...
Officer: ...
Me: Oh, well, uh, see, my daughter Emma? She screams all the way home, and she's like, unnaturally loud. I thought maybe you could give her a job? Help her work out some of her frustrations? She's four, but she's very precocious.
Officer: A job?
Me: ....yes?
Officer: Are you serious?
Me: yes?
Officer: You want your four year old little girl to be a police officer? I'm calling CPS...
Me: No! :::grabs the phone from him and hangs it up::: :::chuckles::: Of course not! I thought she could be a siren.
Officer: A...siren?
Me: Yeah, like the thing that makes all the noise when you need people to get out of the way? She's good at that. When we left the school today, we didn't have to worry about traffic because she was pulling people over all the way here.
Officer: Are you talking about (my kids' school) right when it got out? Because we did have an emergency in that area, and there was a minivan that would not get out of the officer's way. Would that have been you?
Me: No, I saw that van, it wasn't me. I was in the van who pulled that officer over because even he thought I was an emergency vehicle.
Officer: You need to go. Now.
Me: So, we'll just get back to you on the job...? No?
Aug 16, 2010
The Interwebz as Revenge
Today, I took my children on an educational visit to a government office. This way, they would know what they want to be when they grow up, because these jobs rock, yo.
I should share this information, so, for you, Internet, a list of awesome government jobs:
Ground Trash Job Description:
While the pay is very low, you have little recognition, and virtually no upward mobility, this is a great job for those who really wish to make a difference. In the office we visited today, Ground Trash served as entertainment for the children, and also something for me to glare at and step on, thus avoiding possible homicidal tendencies toward the other employees. As you will see, Ground Trash is certainly the most useful and under-appreciated of government employees. Other careers in this field include toilet paper, wall hangings, and hand sanitizer dispensers.
Realistic-Looking Receptionist Job Description:
Most offices have a person who sits near the main entrance behind a desk. In most cases, this person is there to tell you where you need to go, or to call the person you are there to see. In the government office, her chief duties include: noticing, then pointedly ignoring anyone who seems to need any sort of help (including if they need directions, if they have questions or if they are on fire), shuffling five pieces of paper over and over in an attempt to appear busy, and cleaning the glass window that separates her from the regular people. This window is very important, as it keeps the RLR from being strangled at least thirty times a day.
The Breather Job Description:
Every good RLR needs a back-up breather. The breather sits directly behind the realistic looking receptionist and her chief duty is to breathe. She may also be called upon to answer text messages or chat with the RLR. Under no circumstances is she to do any actual work, lest the RLR have need of conversation, or the oxygen in the air ever become too concentrated. Her goal is to be sure that any and all plants are meticulously cared for and provided with carbon dioxide.
What I Learned Today:
I should share this information, so, for you, Internet, a list of awesome government jobs:
 |
| Voted Busiest Employee: Ground Trash |
While the pay is very low, you have little recognition, and virtually no upward mobility, this is a great job for those who really wish to make a difference. In the office we visited today, Ground Trash served as entertainment for the children, and also something for me to glare at and step on, thus avoiding possible homicidal tendencies toward the other employees. As you will see, Ground Trash is certainly the most useful and under-appreciated of government employees. Other careers in this field include toilet paper, wall hangings, and hand sanitizer dispensers.
 |
| Voted Least Trained Employee: Realistic Looking Receptionist |
Most offices have a person who sits near the main entrance behind a desk. In most cases, this person is there to tell you where you need to go, or to call the person you are there to see. In the government office, her chief duties include: noticing, then pointedly ignoring anyone who seems to need any sort of help (including if they need directions, if they have questions or if they are on fire), shuffling five pieces of paper over and over in an attempt to appear busy, and cleaning the glass window that separates her from the regular people. This window is very important, as it keeps the RLR from being strangled at least thirty times a day.
 |
| Voted Most Useless Employee: The Breather |
Every good RLR needs a back-up breather. The breather sits directly behind the realistic looking receptionist and her chief duty is to breathe. She may also be called upon to answer text messages or chat with the RLR. Under no circumstances is she to do any actual work, lest the RLR have need of conversation, or the oxygen in the air ever become too concentrated. Her goal is to be sure that any and all plants are meticulously cared for and provided with carbon dioxide.
 |
| My Children are Overwhelmed with the Desire to Do Something Awesome in the Government when they Grow Up! Mission Accomplished, yo. (PS "stealy face" is the face she makes right before she grabs that brochure from her brother) |
- This is the worst field trip idea ever.
- Never ever go back here (except for tomorrow, cause they told me to)
- Never ever bring the kids back here
- It is NOT OK to grab some other woman's baby, even if said baby has been screaming for three hours, and the mother seems to be unable to hear it. Even if the baby asks you to. Not Ok.
- When you are on your second hour of waiting, and feeling a little murdery, it is actually a lot of fun to take very obvious pictures of the employees with your cell phone, then furiously type randomness to make them think you are a) trying to email their boss (even though their boss won't care, because he's head Ground Trash in Charge); b) texting their pictures to your friends (they start checking their hair and stuff); or c) putting their pictures on the Interwebz as revenge for their incompetence (but who would ever do anything like that? That's completely nuts.)
- If you ever see this woman:
...leave...apparently, this man was sitting there minding his own broken-legged business, when this woman sat down and started picking at his face, licking his ears and flicking things out of his hair. Seriously. I can't make this stuff up. I risked the picture for you, Internet, because I love you and I thought you should be warned about Crazy Public Grooming of Others Lady.
Nov 18, 2009
Rules
I'd like to take a moment to fix the problems in today's world. You may either read this and pass it along until everyone reads and follows them, or elect me president. Either way is fine with me, however, if I were president, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have to do laundry anymore, so that may be the best solution...
1. Bring back manners.
2. Never vote in favor of death, bigger government or higher income taxes.
3. We could cut taxes tremendously if we quit paying the politicians. If they were volunteers, maybe we would start getting people who actually care about the betterment of our country.
4. Anyone who drinks and drives should have something cut off of their person. Maybe their right foot.
5. Anyone who hurts children should have something cut off of their person. No need to give a suggestion as to which part.
6. Stop suing doctors. Money isn't going to fix it, and all you do is raise the cost of healthcare.
7. Men should be men, and teach their sons to be men. Quit being gigantic wusses.
8. Women should be women, and teach their daughters to be women. Quit letting the men be wusses.
9. School should start at ten and give me a chance to drink some coffee before I have to drive near a high concentration of children.
10. Raise your children. Don't let everyone else do it, because they're doing a horrible job.
11. Americans should use only British swear words. They are funnier.
This is part one. I have things to do. Bergershnerger.
1. Bring back manners.
2. Never vote in favor of death, bigger government or higher income taxes.
3. We could cut taxes tremendously if we quit paying the politicians. If they were volunteers, maybe we would start getting people who actually care about the betterment of our country.
4. Anyone who drinks and drives should have something cut off of their person. Maybe their right foot.
5. Anyone who hurts children should have something cut off of their person. No need to give a suggestion as to which part.
6. Stop suing doctors. Money isn't going to fix it, and all you do is raise the cost of healthcare.
7. Men should be men, and teach their sons to be men. Quit being gigantic wusses.
8. Women should be women, and teach their daughters to be women. Quit letting the men be wusses.
9. School should start at ten and give me a chance to drink some coffee before I have to drive near a high concentration of children.
10. Raise your children. Don't let everyone else do it, because they're doing a horrible job.
11. Americans should use only British swear words. They are funnier.
This is part one. I have things to do. Bergershnerger.
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