Big Words and Teachers

If I hear the word "amortization" one more time this week, my brain will explode.

I hate that word. It just sounds mean and mathly and sucky, doesn't it?

Also, "depreciation" and "depletion" and "intangible assets". I don't like those, either.

I want to do real work with tangible assets. As a writer, I can appreciate the value of some intangible assets, like copyrights. But seriously? The only thing I like about accounting is how things just work and there isn't any guessing and things fall into place and there is no chaos. But once you throw in "intangibles"....isn't that chaos? I know it is in real life.

And you'd think that I would be really good at chaos, but I have a letter from Warrick's teacher that claims otherwise. She wants to know "what can we do to help Warrick get to school on time?"

I made her a list:

1. Come over in the evening and find clothes and shoes for everyone.
2. Then put them to bed at a decent hour.
3. AFTER they've done six hours of homework, needed chores (skip making the bed, go look for firewood because it's cold in here), and whatever they have time for as far as eating, bathing and spending time with their family.
4. Come back in the morning and tell them to get out of bed.
5. Tell them again.
6. And again.
7. One more time, only really loud.
8. Smack them until they actually get out of bed.
9. Find their clothes and shoes because a ghost took them after you found them last night.
10. Find and sign the homework that their little brother scattered.
11. Physically carry the younger kids to the car one at a time, because I know you didn't find those shoes. Make sure you keep the gate shut or you'll have to chase the dog out of the neighbor's chicken coop.
12. Put seat belts on everyone.
13. Do it again about every half mile.
14. Make the line at the school go faster, because if you don't let the kids in until 8:30, and they are late at 9:00, it shouldn't take 45 minutes to get through the line. I'm no math teacher or anything, but that doesn't add up. (I can tell you all about amortization, though.)
15. If all else fails, you could talk the bus driver into not skipping our stop.

Thanks so much! :D

It Started out to be Completely inoffensive, but then got boring

Well, after yesterday, there is no way that I'm going to post anything about Facebook, rude people, people who aren't rude, cigarettes, beer, inappropriate behavior, skin color, babies, religion, or anything else.

This blog is HappyLand, and we don't try to piss anyone off upset anyone. 

So,

...


...
Crap.  I don't have anything to say.

Let's just take this in another direction, shall we?

I LOVE the word "shall".  We shall begin using it quite often, shall we not?  I think we shall.  I shall say it until it shall not make sense anymore.

Now I'm too scared to write.  Did the word "shall" offend you, make you angry, make you feel like you aren't part of the crowd or anything?  I hope not.  I won't write it anymore, ok?  It probably means something bad now, anyway.  Like I'll bet it means the eff word and every time I say "Shall we go?" all my friends are all "OMG!"  And they literally say it like that, too.  They're all "OMG" with just the letters, even when they aren't on the Interwebz.  Then, instead of laughing behind my back, they just sign the letters LOL to each other, but they aren't fooling me there, because I know sign language.  Honestly, friends, save the acronyms for the net, ok?  They're just rude, IMHO (which stands for I May Have Onion-breath) (which, honestly?  doesn't really mean anything, but people say it nonetheless).

My kids cuss ALL the time, which, when I am having one of those days when I decide to parent, I'm all "KIDS!  SHUT THE CRAP UP!" And they get all scared because I said the "S" word and the "C" word, and that means business, I May Have Onion-breath.  Also?  I May Have Onion-breath, it's pretty awesome that I'm such a bad mom, but my kids think that the "S" word is shut up and the "C" word is crap.  Because I have it on good authority (like, first-hand witnessing) that their mother has taught them worse words than that. But if luck holds out, they think that those other words mean either "I stubbed my toe" or "That car almost hit us", and will use them well and accordingly.

So, my dear, most loving and accepting Interwebz, I shall say goodnight.  Unfortunately, the Funny gets stuck in the Filter, and when the Filter is on, the Funny is all "Crap!  Lemme out!  I want out!  Shall." 

Maybe tomorrow, Funny.  Maybe tomorrow.

Another Conversation with my Other Niece

Me:  Why are you being bad for your mommy?

Boo:  Because I'm not watching a movie.  (She was supposed to be watching a movie)

Me:  Can you do me a favor?

Boo:  Mm-hmm

Me:  When I can't think of anything to write, can I just blog our little conversations?

Boo:  Mm-hmm

Me:  Can I write the funny things you say?

Boo:  Mm-hmm

Me:  Ok...say something funny.

Boo: ....

Boo:  Mm-hmm?

Me:  Boo, I don't have anything to say.  Can you say something funny?

Boo:  Mm-hmm

Me:  That's not funny enough for my blog.

Boo:  ...  :::staring at me with a look that clearly says she knows I've lost my mind:::  Mm-hmm

Me:  Boo, you talk more than any two year old I have ever known...you haven't stopped talking for at least a year.  Don't you have anything you want to say?

Boo:  Mm-hmm

Me:  :::looks around to make sure her mom isn't watching:::  BOO!  SAY SOMETHING FUNNY!!!  NOW, DAMMIT!

Boo:  ...Mm-hmm?

:::five minutes later:::

Boo:  :::to her mom:::  Aunt Mandy was saying dammit, and that is a very bad sin!

Favorite Quotes From the Weekend

"I just wanna'...put you on my spaghetti!" -- the woman in the bathroom who tried to make out with everyone

A conversation with my (other) niece:

Me:  Why were you being bad at church?

Boo:  Because my daddy put me with the spiders.

Me:  You're daddy put you with the spiders???

Boo:  Yes.  :::serious nodding and finger wagging::: That is a sin.

Everyone within earshot:  :::rofl:::

Me:  Yes, I think it is.  :::scandalized glance at her daddy:::

Boo:  :::pointing to crucifix:::  What is that on Jesus?

Me:  Those are nails.  Do you know why He died on the cross?

Boo:  Yes, we saved Him and He went to Heaven.

Me:  Well, He saved us so we could go to Heaven.  Do you think he loves you very much to do that for you?

Boo:  Yes.

Me:  So maybe if you're good in church that would be a good way to say you love Him?

Boo: ...

Me:  You think?

Boo:  Yes, but...Aunt Manny?

Me:  Yes :::feeling all smug and good-auntish:::

Boo:  Is Jesus wearing panties?

Luckily, when I have writer's block, I always have kids around me.

Scary Dog Book

I'm working on my novel, the one every writer writes, the Great American Novel -- guaranteed to make me a millionaire and allow me to spend the rest of my life smoking ciggies in front of a typewriter, posing for black and white authorly photos, and attending lavish Hollywood parties.

So, I'm working on the book, and the title is "Scary Dog Book" right now, because it's like a baby, you can decide before what you want to name your child, but you have to see their face before you know it fits.  My book has only four chapters, because the main character is stuck in the hospital and I can't seem to get him out.  He's kind of a jerky smart-ass, too, and every time I try to ask him when he's leaving, he throws coffee at me and tells me to bug off.  What a jerk...he doesn't realize I have the power to erase him.  I think he's just enjoying all the attention from pretty nurses and nobody expects him to do anything, so he likes it there.  If he doesn't get out soon, I'm going to start breaking bones, one a day, just to give him a reason to stay and incentive to get out.  That'll show him. 

Here's the thing, if he would get out of the hospital, I could move forward with my life.  For instance, I need a job right now.  But if he had left the hospital when I asked the first time (seven months ago), I could have sold him by now and been rich and famous and not sitting here writing this blog when I should be fabricating a resume. 

If he remains in bed, I'll have to write about his best friend, who is, frankly, a much nicer person anyway, funny and charismatic.  Maybe everyone would rather the jerky guy stay in bed while the funny side-kick saves the world. 

I am reading those last two paragraphs and realizing how much that may parallel with reality for me.  Hmmm...I was told by an author to blog every day, I ignored that advice, because I don't really like the guy that much, but maybe he was right. I hate that.

So, I have to text Tracy about this.  :)  When I'm famous (sometime before Christmas, I think), I'll buy all my blog followers a car.  I plan on dropping the first million bucks on plastic surgery, though, so you may have to wait.  Sorry.