My house is in total chaos as I try to complete my classes early, make some career decisions, and get ready for Christmas. Since I work from home and know nobody, I have been looking forward to meeting many of my coworkers at the Christmas party. It occurred to me this morning that I have never been to a company Christmas party in my life, so I went all WHATDOIWEAR because I don't really dress up much and I also hate to be cold. The articles I found stressed modesty, so I have decided on blankets. Lots and lots of blankets. I'll be warm, modest, and within my budget. Also some jazzy earrings to add festivity.
I didn't actually find as many articles on how to dress as I did on how to act. This is why I've made for you, Interwebz, a list.
The 15 Tips for Your Office Christmas Party
(according to the Internet):
1. Under no circumstances are you to drink anything that is offered to you. Beer is too informal and anything else is too intoxicating. Water will insult your host. Instead, keep a flask (of WATER) to sip from when nobody is looking to prevent dehydration.
2. Dress as you would for work, but exchange one accessory for something glittery. So go ahead and wear your power suit, but add a sequined blouse. For men, apparently belts are a big deal. I've never noticed a belt on a man in my life, but according to the internet, it's ok for your belt to be a just a leetle extra shiny for a holiday party. Rock on, dudes.
3. "Don't act like a slut." This seemed to be a pretty big deal on the internet, so I have to assume that people acting slutty is fairly common at office parties, even as its frowned upon by higher ups. Most of the articles seemed to place all the work in this department on the women, as "men are pigs" (not my words -- the Internet told me) and there is clearly nothing we can do about that.
4. While slutty behavior is a no-no, it seems that the office party is THE ONLY chance you'll ever have to find out if your office crush is crushing back. The only solid advice I could find on this one was "try to stick with singles to avoid that 'deer-in-the-headlights' look come Monday morning." Ya think, Internet?
5. I did read one article that allowed drinking, but only after every other coworker is completely wasted. In this way, you will avoid any recollection of your bad behavior and from my understanding, the boss is supposed to show up in your office the next day to promote you directly after he's done firing everybody else.
6. Your shoes must contain glitter. This HAS to happen or you'll have to give up all tax exemptions in the new year. (Women only on this one, fellas...but don't forget your festive belt!)
7. You are not allowed to talk about work, religion, politics, or anything too personal, but somehow karaoke has been deemed acceptable. This means that the only time your mouth is moving is when it's embarrassing you into a microphone. I can't tell you how much I love this.
8. Every article I read warned not to forget your dance moves. This, along with karaoke, makes me question the maker of The Rules. I know I am new to this, but does a world really exist where one cannot imbibe of drinks in the presence of one's coworkers, but is allowed -- nay, expected -- to dance? Also, in my case, if there is public dancing involved people are pretty much going to assume I've been drinking no matter how well I followed the rules.
9. Do not either lavish praise on or complain about your boss. These areas of conversation are to be confined to the workplace.
10. Bring your spouse, but only if they also follow the rules on drinking and not speaking.
11. Don't do anything that anybody will remember. We have social media now. Not only will you go down in office gossip history, but you'll most likely go viral as well.
12. Your entire outfit should fit into a briefcase to eliminate crowding the bathroom. I don't know why, yo. I guess if the party is directly after work, people are all in there trying to glitter up their wardrobe so it's best to keep you glitter at your desk. Or something. It definitely involved glitter, though. And briefcases. I don't have a briefcase, but I also have my own bathroom so I think I can skip this one.
13. You are supposed to make conversation with your boss's wife. I am not sure how you are to do that what with all the rules about what not to talk about. Maybe you could do some kind of karaoke duet with her. I don't know. I didn't make the rules, guys.
14. If your boss gets drunk and falls off the table he's dancing on, you are NEVER allowed to speak of it. This is kind of a bummer, but don't do it. Career suicide, that one. Seriously. Don't talk about it. Also, check to see if you've friended him on Facebook before posting the pictures.
15. This one was a shocker to me, but apparently, you are NOT to sneak leftovers into your pockets to take home for later. I thought this was the traditional means of asking for a raise, but it is apparently a pretty big item on the Do Not list. Who knew?
