I had to run to the store today to buy another million loaves of bread so my kids would be able to eat sandwiches for the next three days. I wanted to grab a six pack of Diet Coke, because my diet is coffee for breakfast, Diet Coke for lunch, and whatever I can convince the kids to eat for dinner.
So, I only had three of the kids, and they happened to be all boys. Boys are so easy to embarrass when you are their mother.
The Coke vendor happened to be standing there, very much in my way. He was already kind of laughing at me, but I don't know exactly why. The Diet Coke was on the bottom shelf, and the plastic bits holding it together were super floppy. I was leaning over them, trying to pick them up without catching them on the ones underneath. The tattooed giant of a soda vendor was watching me because I guess he thinks it's awesome how they always stock the soda so it's hardest to pick up.
One of the cans, hot and freshly shaken from being on the back of a truck, slipped out of the rings and slammed into the ground, exploding all over me. It wasn't like it got a crack and sprayed a little. It exploded. I was still leaning over it, so I just knelt there, eyes closed, waiting for the last drops of Diet Coke to fall from the sky into my hair.
I knew it was funny at the time, I was already laughing. But I couldn't judge the reactions of my sons or the Coke vendor because my glasses had drops of soda all over them. I was trying to clean the lenses, but my clothes were dripping.
When I was able to see again, the Coke vendor had his mouth covered laughing at me, which kind of made me mad because he should have been laughing with me. But I felt better when I saw that he had not escaped the fallout. His shorts were dripping Diet Coke into his combat boots. I said, "I'm sorry, dude." He said, "Happens all the time in this job," and went back to strategically placing Coke cans in such a way as to ensure nobody could pick them up.
My boys were struggling really hard, deciding between being mad at the guy for laughing at me or running away. They settled for staying ten feet behind me and pretending that they were only standing there to watch the show, not because the person standing in the middle of a 15 foot spray of soda was their ride home.
I picked up the 5 pack and began the long walk to the cash register. It was rush hour, all manner of people in the store picking up last-minute items for dinner. You guys, I had Coke dripping off of me - it was very noticeable. Luckily, it was also frightening, because people were staring until they saw me watching, then they would skedaddle into another aisle. They didn't see what happened, they just knew they didn't want any part of whatever I had been involved in.
I found the manager and told her I had exploded Diet Coke, and she asked if the Coke vendor was still there. I told her he was, and she was like, "Well what did HE do about it?" And I was all, "Well, he laughed..." and she left me standing there and went to yell at him. He blamed it on ME, you guys! She asked him what happened and he said, "She just dropped it!"
I didn't DROP IT. It flew out of the rings that were supposed to hold it, most likely the result of some shaking and stocking scheme he came up with while he was driving around today. He probably never dreamed he'd be lucky enough to witness the results of his evil plan. (Oh, I'm onto you, Coke vendor!)
So I was still holding a wet 5 pack, and I took it to the next employee. I held it up and said excuse me, and she looked up and said, "Oh hey!" like she knew me, then she walked away. Lady, I wasn't chatting with you. So I caught up with her and explained. She was no help.
I took the million loaves of bread to check out, along with a new 6 pack of Diet Coke, and the checker, who never once looked up at me, told me the cans were open. They're open? "Well, they're all wet," she said. Really? They're wet because of the GIANT EXPLOSION! That's why my dollars are all soaked in Coke, lady! And also why I look like I entered the wet t-shirt contest for People of Walmart! Wow.
The good news is that I am beyond embarrassment over spilling sodas after that one time when I spilled one right in front of my crush when I was 16, in the middle of the sermon I was giving him about how I never get embarrassed about things. But my boys are still not ready to laugh at this.
