I'm Not Even Sure What I'm Saying Here

Today I learned that there is a good reason for the "delete" button.

Also, I can still be upset by things that happened five years ago.

Also? I can't wait to see my babies again and make them clean their rooms. There is nothing better than an afternoon spent telling people to clean their rooms to make you feel more in touch with reality.

It rained last night, so I went for a walk. It was lovely...it was totally dark outside and the air had that awesome scent. I took Shucks and a flashlight and my phone (in case I got attacked by cows or something). The thing with walking in the dark in the country with a flashlight is that you get mauled by giant bugs that you really can't see coming until they smack you in the face. They liked the flashlight, so I turned it off. It was really dark and scary, so I turned it back on.

I had taken Shucks so I wouldn't be scared, but he was on a mission to pee on every blade of grass and didn't really care that I was being eaten alive by pterodactyl sized bugs. Even after I said "fweep." Eventually, the bugs went home because of the rain, but the cows started following me. They are bigger than bugs, so I went home.

Here's the thing about dirt roads: If you own a 4WD, 7.3l Powerstroke and can't go more than 10mph because you're worried about a rock hitting your paint, please trade me cars because you aren't using your truck correctly and I can absolutely find something to do with it. Or let me pass. Because WOW, annoying. If you don't have a cloud of dust in your rear view or mud splattering your truck bed, you aren't doing the dirt road thing right.

Ooooo, baby!

So yeah.

Most romantic date EVER.

Anyway, speed up or hand over the truck -- redneck law.

Yesterday, I forgot to hit "Publish"

Tomorrow is my night to host Bunco.


If you have never played Bunco, you are missing something. Basically, you put twelve women in a room with three tables. You feed them something. They walk around awkwardly carrying plates of food and drinks because either the table where they want to sit is full, or there is one empty opening but they are feeling obligated to sit by the person who is still alone. They eat some dinner. They talk for about an hour.


Finally, the person who actually has to pay for a sitter or who has already had twenty angry texts from her husband yells, "Can we play, please? I have to go home." Everyone rolls dice and switches chairs and yells and screams and rings a bell, then people win prizes. Then you eat dessert and go home.

It's lots of fun.

My mom watched the kids for me so I could go shopping, because the hostess is responsible for cooking dinner and stuff. I was wandering through the store and kept seeing this very tall man everywhere I went. Since I didn't have the kids and therefore had nothing to think about, I naturally made up a story about Tall Dude.

He's a fireman. And also some sort of lumberjack or something. Because he had this coat and it looked like a lumberjack coat. He lives in the woods and is a vegetarian, because everything in his cart was green. He saves children. I'm not sure from what, but he saves them all the time. He's like a super hero only not the fake kind. So I sorta had a crush on him by aisle three.

I had to go back a few aisles because I forgot something, and I saw him again. This was weird...did he forget something, too? He left his cart at the end of the aisle and followed right behind me.

I ignored him because I was pretty sure that if I looked at him, he would see I was in love with him and that would be embarrassing. So I pushed my cart allllllllll the way down to the other end. Only he was right behind me. Like, six inches away from me. And he didn't stop to grab any bread or anything, he just kept following me all close, whistling a tune. About halfway down, I started to get a little paranoid. Maybe he knew I had made up a story about him. Maybe he guessed that I had been crushing on him since the produce department.

But after halfway, he really should have found what he wanted or brought his cart with him. That's when I realized that he wasn't a super hero at all, and was in fact a serial killer, preying on women who were obviously mothers daring to run around Walmart late at night without their children. So I walked faster.

He followed faster, still whistling.

I still refused to look at him, and pushed my cart as fast as I could out of that aisle and to the checkout lanes.

He followed me.

O.M.G. I thought I was gonna die in Walmart. Not like I didn't know that was where I was going to die...I mean, if Walmart doesn't kill me, nothing will. But I just thought it would be from natural Walmart causes, not from being serially murdered by Tall Lumberjack Dude.

So I decided to face him and just see what happened. I turned around, and he stopped and stared at the coffee real hard. I said "Oh, right. Some hero you are, pretending like I'm not even here after everything we've been through. Jackass."

He grabbed a pound of coffee and left for his secret hideaway in the woods, and I left the store unmurdered.

The End.

Nazi Truck Lady

I went to look at Ninja Truck today. It is being sold by a man who lives far away and has his parents showing it for him. I talked to his mother to make arrangements and I'm pretty sure she is a Nazi.

Is that wrong?

She yelled at me on the phone because I said that I could come any time this afternoon.

Nazi Truck Lady: What time?

Me: Any time after one.

NTL: It's Saturday! What time?

Me: As long as its after one, I can come any time that is good for you.

NTL: Well, you know, it's Saturday, we are very busy and HOW CAN I TELL YOU YES IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME AN EXACT TIME?????

Me: Ok, ummm...two?

NTL: No.

Me: Three?

NTL: No. Two thirty.

Me: Ok, I'll be there at two thirty.

NTL: NO, I CAN'T BE HERE AT TWO THIRTY! HOLD ON!

Me: ....

NTL: My husband will be here, come at two thirty.

Me: Ok, thanks! I'll see you then.

NTL: :::click:::

So I was very glad that I would be dealing with the husband and not the Nazi Lady, and I took my brother with me because I didn't want to be serially murdered by the husband, either.

The husband started to get in the back seat of the car to let us drive around a bit, and Nazi Lady came running outside. He rolled down the window and told her what he was doing and she just glared at him from the front porch. Maybe she thought we were the serial killers, but I think she was planning up a delicious MannyRee and Brother soup.

We rode around the block, and then did all that car-looking stuff like kick the tires, stare intently at the engine as if it will explode in a minute as a warning not to buy the car, and chat with the guy about mechanics and blah, blah, blah...

I told my brother I wanted the truck, but he told me it was leaking oil.

Here's the math. Say I have one hundred dollars to spend on a car, and I was willing to buy this car for that amount with only a couple needed repairs. Then I find out that it's leaking oil, which the owner failed to tell me about when he listed the other problems. So I offer seventy five dollars on the car, and plan to spend the other twenty five on repairing the car.

I called the Nazi Lady this evening...

Me: Hi, this is MannyRee, the one who looked at the car today.

NTL: Um, you looked at a car? So what?

Me: Well, I wanted to make an offer.

NTL: What? What do you....hold on. :::yells things at her husband:::

Me: ...

Then the husband gets on the phone.

Me: Hi. Ok, here's what I got for ya. There were a few things wrong with the truck that your son told me about, and also an oil leak that he didn't. I am not trying to low-ball you, but do you think he would take seventy-five dollars for the truck, because all I own in the world is one hundred, and if I spend all of it on the truck, I can't pay for repairs.

Nazi Husband: (he's not a Nazi, though, just married one) Oh, seventy-five?...

:::NTL screaming in the background:::: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Those are NEW TIRES!!!!!

Husband: ...um..yeah, it's new tires..

NTL: NOOOOO!!!! VERY LOW! I'LL KILL YOU! HANG UP

Husband: Yes, well, you see, my son has put ...hold on

NTL: TELL HER NO! TELL HER NO! TELL HER NO!!!!! ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HER??? SHE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU!!!! HANG UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!

Husband: ...um, yes, as I was saying...new tires.

NTL: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WORK HE'S PUT INTO THAT??? HANG UP! THAT'S VERY LOW! HE'S NOT TAKING SEVENTY FIVE!!!

Husband: ...yes, he's put a lot of work into that. How bout I give him a call and ask him, since it's his car (I think he was looking at his wife at this point, because he said it very pointedly and I was too busy Googling "how to not become Nazi Soup" to say anything).

NTL: NO! I SAID NO! YOU WON'T CALL...TELL HER NO.

Me: Ok, just let me know. Thanks so much and please don't let your wife kill me.

NTL: NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Husband: :::click:::

I'm pretty sure that the husband is soup now, and nobody is going to be calling the son with my offer.