Orange Cones Rule the World

Today was Get Ready For Blizzardage, Round Two. Half of North America was at my Walmart, so we went to Target. The other half was at Target, so I don't know who all the people were blocking all the streets and buying all the firewood. I remember the millennium, and it wasn't as bad as OMGIt'sGonnaSnowTWICE day.

I started the new job today, and it's a little sad, because I think I would really enjoy it, but I am so overwhelmed by what it took out of my family to get there.

This morning, Madi had to dress up like she was 100 years old for school. So we got up super early, we dressed Madi like a weirdo, and then the rest of us wore normal stuff. Then we left. Then we were thirty minutes behind. I don't know how, other than that's just how we roll.

My mom watched the girls, and Donovan's daycare agreed to take him early. I dropped the other boys at school and waited in line for fifteen minutes because all those people who were at Walmart after school were also in line at my kids' school this morning.

I was finally on my way, and I got pulled over. For speeding. Like a kid. Only I checked my speed and I wasn't speeding. There did happen to be two orange cones near the side of the road, which apparently designates a construction zone during for the times when there is no actual construction but they still want people to think things are getting done. So the speed limit was lowered 15mph, and I got my first speeding ticket.

I got lucky, though, because Ninja Truck is legally challenged, and so am I, but I didn't know that. I didn't get a ticket for that, and I didn't even have to cry. All in all, I call it a win.

Officer: I pulled you over for speeding.
Me: I was speeding?
Officer: See that cone? That means construction, little lady.
Me: That cone means "construction"?
Officer: Well, it's orange.
Me: Ohhh...so, orange cone equals construction? As opposed to actual men standing around literally constructing things?
Officer: Yip.
Me: I didn't know.
Officer: Yip.
Me: I thought it was a Christmas tree.
Officer: Construction
Me: I'ma get me some cones to put around my house.
Officer: Driver's license?
Me: Oh sure! Absolutely.
Officer: This is expired.
Me: Wha...?
Officer: Yip. Last week.
Me: Here, lemme see it.... :::draws a cone shape with orange sharpie on the license::: See? I'm working on it.
Officer: Are you a government employee?
Me: No
Officer: Cones don't count for you.
Me: Damn.
Officer: Did you steal this truck?
Me: Only if you ask the Nazi Truck Lady.
Officer: Ma'am, you realize how many tickets I can give you? You are in violation of Regulation No.874: Smartassery in the first degree.
Me: :::pause::: I didn't know that was a thing.
Officer: See that orange cone on this ticket? I'm working on making it a thing.
Me: Damn.
Officer: I'm going to let you off with one ticket for ten over so it won't affect your :::ahem::: insurance (which you'll note I didn't ask you to show me).
Me: Um....thank you?
Officer: But only if you get that license taken care of tomorrow.
Me: Ok, but there's a OMGBlizzard tomorrow.
Officer: Yip.
Me: Ok... :(
Officer: Lates, yo.

Chats with Shucks 5, Nazi vs. Ninja

I have done everything I can to make sure that Ninja Truck wasn't stolen, but there is something fishy about it for sure. I got calls from both the man selling the truck (who is out of town) and his step-dad wondering if I was going to show up (an hour before I was supposed to be there) and making sure I had cash. Then another call ten minutes before I was supposed to be there wondering the same thing. So I purposely went to Starbucks and made myself ten minutes late just to make them sweat. I did that knowing they probably had some drug deal going down and that's why they needed the cash so fast, but I didn't care because I was annoyed.


Then Nazi Truck Lady yelled out the window at her husband the entire time I was there signing papers and letting her husband count the cash. She wanted to make sure he remembered how much I owed. And what person would remember to actually count the money if their wife wasn't screaming it at them? Because obviously not this guy! So she was just taking care of him, I guess. And she also wanted him to tell me one more time that I ought to pay the full amount her son asked for in the first place. I give this guy credit, I would have jumped off the nearest cliff if I lived with that woman, but apparently they have access to really good weed. Or at least he does and maybe he needs to share with her. And he didn't feel the need to remind me that I was taking advantage of his son, but that was probably more because I could plainly hear her saying it and it didn't need repeating.

So I finally got the title and hopefully everything else I need, and I made sure again that the truck wasn't stolen (but I'm still a little afraid that I'm going to find out differently when I try to tag it). I halfway wished I had gone for faster rather than bigger because I just wanted to get as far away from that place as I could. But luckily, I am still not soup, and neither is Brother, who was kind enough to go with me and make sure nobody got me.

All that being said, I came home to discover that I probably didn't need Ninja Truck after all, because Shucks was on the job...

Shucks: Look! Lookie Lookie Lookie!

Me: What, Shucks?

Shucks: Look what I got you!

Me: Um...that's Dustin's truck. It's been here for two weeks.

Shucks: I know! But I bought it! For you!

Me: You bought it?

Shucks: Yup, it's mine. But I want you to have it.

Me: Shucks, that isn't your truck. It's Dustin's.

Shucks: Nope, look... :::lifts leg...pees on truck::: See? Mine.

Me: Dude, that doesn't make it yours.

Shucks: :::melts to the ground and watches his entire belief system crumble around him::: Not mine...? But...I peed on it. How can this be?

Me: Ok, Shucks, I was kidding. Thank you for the truck, you're the best doggie in the whole world.

Sorry, Dustin, my dog marked your truck. I'm not sure on the legalities here, but I'm pretty sure you just got PWNED by my dog. Or your truck did. Whatevs.

Ninja Truck and Turkey, sans Nazi

I bought Ninja Truck. And I didn't get made into soup, but almost. I am very glad that the Nazi Truck Lady doesn't know where I live.

I'm going to have to have a little work done on it, so if anyone knows a good mechanic who charges about fifteen cents an hour and gets free parts, hook me up, yo. I'm pretty sure I got a good deal, because it wasn't until later that I realized the guy was actually asking $150, and he gave me the price of 100, then I tried to get him down to 75, and we settled on 90. Then he called me specifically to tell me a got a good deal (and why would he lie?) and also said that he was only doing it because I have kids. I knew those little short people would come in handy some time.

So, I am hoping I don't have to cram them into Dustin's truck anymore, and can cram them into my own truck which has more seating and enough space in the back for groceries and a baby elephant all at once.

And it gets great gas mileage, too.

Ok, that's a lie. But still...for seventy five dollars, who can complain?

Tomorrow is Monday, Interwebz. Can you do something about that, please? I get five days off for Thanksgiving (including the weekend), and yet I'm not satisfied...I want the entire week. Or maybe at least skip Monday.

I honestly have nothing to say today. Nobody made me mad all day. I got a truck but the Nazi didn't even come out to say hi or try to stab me or anything. I went to church but I didn't cry or inhale my gum. So I'm just not really all that funny.

Oh, and the ex isn't taking the kids over Thanksgiving break, but I'm glad because I know he can't. Unfortunately, Huston intercepted the text he sent me, so that's how they found out. Ex said he still felt "institutionalized", so the kids were all asking me where and why their daddy is "entrenched" because "institutionalized" is the one word Huston can't read, it seems. So, that was a fun explanation. They were disappointed, but I think it has more to do with the fact that they know I'll make them perform all the turkey songs they know if they have to spend it with me. Mwuahahahaha

The end.

Nazi Truck Lady

I went to look at Ninja Truck today. It is being sold by a man who lives far away and has his parents showing it for him. I talked to his mother to make arrangements and I'm pretty sure she is a Nazi.

Is that wrong?

She yelled at me on the phone because I said that I could come any time this afternoon.

Nazi Truck Lady: What time?

Me: Any time after one.

NTL: It's Saturday! What time?

Me: As long as its after one, I can come any time that is good for you.

NTL: Well, you know, it's Saturday, we are very busy and HOW CAN I TELL YOU YES IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME AN EXACT TIME?????

Me: Ok, ummm...two?

NTL: No.

Me: Three?

NTL: No. Two thirty.

Me: Ok, I'll be there at two thirty.

NTL: NO, I CAN'T BE HERE AT TWO THIRTY! HOLD ON!

Me: ....

NTL: My husband will be here, come at two thirty.

Me: Ok, thanks! I'll see you then.

NTL: :::click:::

So I was very glad that I would be dealing with the husband and not the Nazi Lady, and I took my brother with me because I didn't want to be serially murdered by the husband, either.

The husband started to get in the back seat of the car to let us drive around a bit, and Nazi Lady came running outside. He rolled down the window and told her what he was doing and she just glared at him from the front porch. Maybe she thought we were the serial killers, but I think she was planning up a delicious MannyRee and Brother soup.

We rode around the block, and then did all that car-looking stuff like kick the tires, stare intently at the engine as if it will explode in a minute as a warning not to buy the car, and chat with the guy about mechanics and blah, blah, blah...

I told my brother I wanted the truck, but he told me it was leaking oil.

Here's the math. Say I have one hundred dollars to spend on a car, and I was willing to buy this car for that amount with only a couple needed repairs. Then I find out that it's leaking oil, which the owner failed to tell me about when he listed the other problems. So I offer seventy five dollars on the car, and plan to spend the other twenty five on repairing the car.

I called the Nazi Lady this evening...

Me: Hi, this is MannyRee, the one who looked at the car today.

NTL: Um, you looked at a car? So what?

Me: Well, I wanted to make an offer.

NTL: What? What do you....hold on. :::yells things at her husband:::

Me: ...

Then the husband gets on the phone.

Me: Hi. Ok, here's what I got for ya. There were a few things wrong with the truck that your son told me about, and also an oil leak that he didn't. I am not trying to low-ball you, but do you think he would take seventy-five dollars for the truck, because all I own in the world is one hundred, and if I spend all of it on the truck, I can't pay for repairs.

Nazi Husband: (he's not a Nazi, though, just married one) Oh, seventy-five?...

:::NTL screaming in the background:::: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Those are NEW TIRES!!!!!

Husband: ...um..yeah, it's new tires..

NTL: NOOOOO!!!! VERY LOW! I'LL KILL YOU! HANG UP

Husband: Yes, well, you see, my son has put ...hold on

NTL: TELL HER NO! TELL HER NO! TELL HER NO!!!!! ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HER??? SHE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU!!!! HANG UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!

Husband: ...um, yes, as I was saying...new tires.

NTL: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WORK HE'S PUT INTO THAT??? HANG UP! THAT'S VERY LOW! HE'S NOT TAKING SEVENTY FIVE!!!

Husband: ...yes, he's put a lot of work into that. How bout I give him a call and ask him, since it's his car (I think he was looking at his wife at this point, because he said it very pointedly and I was too busy Googling "how to not become Nazi Soup" to say anything).

NTL: NO! I SAID NO! YOU WON'T CALL...TELL HER NO.

Me: Ok, just let me know. Thanks so much and please don't let your wife kill me.

NTL: NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Husband: :::click:::

I'm pretty sure that the husband is soup now, and nobody is going to be calling the son with my offer.