Party at My House

Saturday nights are wilder than ever now that I'm single again.

At the moment, I am drinking heavily trying to get enough of a buzz to get through the rest of the night. The coffee was a must, because it's cold in here and I was falling asleep at 6:30.

There are six people running the halls in various states of undress, hair all wet and piles of clothing scattered around the living room. Bath time at its finest, church clothes all set out and ready to be misplaced sometime between falling asleep and waking up. I am pretty sure there is a sleepwalking clothing-loser living in this house.

I told the kids to go to bed. Hijinks ensued. They are still ensuing. I am giving up.

Another thing I noticed today about being single is how bad headaches suck. When you're a single mom, you don't get to just have a headache. You say "I have a headache" and six thousand people scream at you. Or maybe six. Either way, though, really. And nobody tells them to stop except you, and they can't hear you because it hurts to be heard over them. And you don't get a nap or even to sit down for five minutes, because if you do, people are spilling orange slushie all over the floor you just mopped and pulling all the clean clothes out of the closet.

Also, when you're single, you don't get to be in a bad mood because you are in charge of the mood for your entire house. This applies even if you don't have kids. I hate when the house is in a bad mood, but sometimes, I just want to be bitchy and I can't. Hence the hateful post this evening...if I can't bitch up the house, I'll have to settle for bitching up the internet. Sorry, Interwebz, but something has to give here.

I am going to go to bed and hope they don't burn the house down before I wake up.

Something has gone terribly wrong here

I am not a morning person. I like the night time. I like it when everyone else is asleep and there isn't traffic or waking up or Things Needing Doing or whatever.

It's not that I don't like mornings. I do. I just despise doing things during them. Unless those things are drinking coffee and wearing giant pajamas and watching the sun rise through the window.

I can't stand rushing and fighting over the bathroom and waking up children who are perfectly asleep and going anywhere at all.

Before Noon:

You see? This should never happen to anybody. At first glance, it looks like my glasses are crooked here, but that is not the case. It's my eyes. My eyes are crooked, and that's what mornings do. This is bad, people, it's really bad. We need to do something. (Also, pay no attention to the misleading smile. When this was taken, I hadn't completely woken from a dream in which our pediatrician had prescribed Ambien and no homework to all the kids.)

I say we find all the morning people in the world (there can only be like ten of them, anyway), and their new job is to make the coffee. The rest of us can start everything at noon. The morning people are only allowed to talk to each other, because pep before noon is honestly too much, yo.

The rest of us should resume avoiding eye contact and develop a system of communication using only grunts and flipping the bird. Any speaking beyond that can begin at sunset, when the day gets fun and people aren't all down about having to go to work or making sure their cell phone is charged or whatever is bothering everyone during the day. Then it can be happy and there will be merriment and laughter throughout the land until we all go back to sleep around 6am.