Merry Christmas!...wait...what?

I have written some pretty incredible blog posts over the last few weeks, only none of them ever managed to find their way out of my head and through my fingers and make their way to the Internet.

A quick summary for you then, of what I would have written, in a truly awesome way, had I actually done it:

1. After two years of grueling labor (in the form of talking to shiny-haired lawyer on the phone), I am legally single. Legal has nothing on reality, but whatever, it's a step.

2. In about two weeks, I will be finished with school. I will also turn 32. If you are younger than thirty, you may think these two cancel each other out. In fact, they do, but only because I'd like to celebrate both things by way of a very long nap.

3. Obligatory New Year's Post: Things I want to do in 2012.
                                                 Start my own company
                                                 Clean my house
                                                 Rent a party bus every Monday, so that Monday can be cool
                                                 Start planning for Christmas in July instead of on Christmas Eve
                                                 Organize All the Things
                                                 Find the floor of the laundry room
                                                 Spend more time in the kitchen doing something other than cleaning it
                                                 Obtain fabulous hair
                                                 Avoid grocery shopping at all times
                                                
      Other than the cleaning thing, I think these are all fairly obtainable.
3. I may need you guys to help me with my company. Social Media Marketing and this blog go hand in hand, because I successfully Google pranked Jason F. Brown. Remember? Which means I win at this, and it's really the only thing on my resume at this point. So you all may be getting some calls for references, is my point, because you are the only people I know and also because you have witnessed my brilliance first-hand. Right? ....Right?


4. This is a run-down of what happened over the last 24 hours, which may explain somewhat why I don't have time to write my own blog anymore:

9pm last night - I'm putting together a very important photo blog for my company, which is at the CES in Vegas this week. Very important, and also not part of my regular schedule, so I was freaking out trying to make the time to do it.

10:00 - Madi threw up, with no regard to proper puke etiquette. I cleaned everything while she cried. (I may have cried a little.)

10:30 - upload one more photo to the blog

11pm - She got mad at me and threw up again - at me this time, because I made her take a bath.

11:30 - redo all the captions on the blog, because WordPress decided they should all go on one photo and the other photos should just go away.

12:00am - Again with the puking. This time, we both held it together and nobody cried.

12:30 - Check the blog to make sure it's ready to publish first thing in the morning. Go to bed.

1:00 - Finally drift off to sleep

1:01 - Yip, more throwing up

1:30 - back to sleep

3:00 - Small child covered in puke climbs into my bed. Deal with this.

6:30 - Wake up and the coffee pot is broken. No amount of threats or tears would convince it to brew.

7:00 - consider going back to bed because this is going to be One of Those Days. Decide to FACE THE DAY, with a Good Attitude, no less.

8:00 - Begin upload of children into truck for school.

9:00 - Finish upload and drop the well children off ten minutes late. Sickies are staying home, which means mama is staying home, too. Call my mommy so that she does not have to be deprived of the knowledge of my misery.

10-noon - Tinker with the blog and publish, tweet, and Facebook it.

1:00 - phone call from the CEO's wife from Vegas. Mad panic finding the info she needs as I rush to drop the younger kids at school ten minutes late.

1:30 - come home and finish finding info, which includes the discovery that I'll need to sit and watch for an important link to pop up from one of our VIP contacts. Meanwhile, the North Pole moves into town and I rush outside to find enough sticks in the yard to get a fire going.

2:00 - fire goes out, emails and texts are flying, it's very cold in my house, and I have to make a dental appointment for one of the kids

3:00 - I'm watching for the link to come up, Tweeting about the Hangout of Awesomeness our CEO was getting ready to do, and spraining my thumbs texting his wife about where to find the link.

3:15 - I decide to get the kids early, since the Hangout started at 4, and I really needed to be back before it happened to tell Twitter about it. I'm telling you guys, Twitter is at a complete LOSS if I'm not around to tell it what's going on.

3:30 - ten minutes early to get the kids at school, but I can't find them.

3:40 - Fight my way through the sea of small children leaving the school to the teacher in charge of my kids.

3:45 - Said teacher finally finishes yelling at me about my lack of a yellow piece of paper, I grab the kids and run through the parking lot to get to the truck. It's freakin' cold, yo.

4:00 - Hangout of Awesomeness is about to start, I tell the kids to get their own snacks and start their homework and rush to my computer to find the link. The link is still not there, but I tell Twitter about it anyway.

4:10 - Hangout of Awesomeness starts a little late with no audio, which doesn't matter much to me because my computer has decided it hates playing video. I watched what I could, and saw the Big Boss on the Interwebz, and it was pretty cool. My kids thought he was Darth Vader, but don't tell him that. He didn't look like Vader or anything, my sound was just messed up. Either way, a family affair.

5:30 - Restart the fire, start dinner, homework, phone call, and 48 emails to answer.

6:00 - Dinner. Chill.

7:00 - Back to answering the emails

8:00 - Put the kids to bed, not for the first time tonight, and back to the emails.

9:00 - Tell you, Interwebz, what my days are like so that you don't think I have left you by choice.

                                                

Something has gone terribly wrong here

I am not a morning person. I like the night time. I like it when everyone else is asleep and there isn't traffic or waking up or Things Needing Doing or whatever.

It's not that I don't like mornings. I do. I just despise doing things during them. Unless those things are drinking coffee and wearing giant pajamas and watching the sun rise through the window.

I can't stand rushing and fighting over the bathroom and waking up children who are perfectly asleep and going anywhere at all.

Before Noon:

You see? This should never happen to anybody. At first glance, it looks like my glasses are crooked here, but that is not the case. It's my eyes. My eyes are crooked, and that's what mornings do. This is bad, people, it's really bad. We need to do something. (Also, pay no attention to the misleading smile. When this was taken, I hadn't completely woken from a dream in which our pediatrician had prescribed Ambien and no homework to all the kids.)

I say we find all the morning people in the world (there can only be like ten of them, anyway), and their new job is to make the coffee. The rest of us can start everything at noon. The morning people are only allowed to talk to each other, because pep before noon is honestly too much, yo.

The rest of us should resume avoiding eye contact and develop a system of communication using only grunts and flipping the bird. Any speaking beyond that can begin at sunset, when the day gets fun and people aren't all down about having to go to work or making sure their cell phone is charged or whatever is bothering everyone during the day. Then it can be happy and there will be merriment and laughter throughout the land until we all go back to sleep around 6am.

Today Happened

So, if you read this, you know I'm not exactly "with" my husband anymore.  That's because I just don't have a high tolerance.  At least, that's what he tells me.  As of last week, we have to mess with the ugly "D" word.  It's kind of a bummer.

Here are some things I miss:

I used to be able to sit cross-legged in my computer chair while I wrote this pointless blog.  Now, I can't, because my awesome computer chair has been replaced with a tiny one.  I don't know where the awesome one went, but it's gone, and I miss it dreadfully.

I miss having boots.  I used to work in a western-wear store 14 years ago, and I had lots of boots.  Now, I don't, and I kind of want some.

I miss last Saturday night.  I had peace for one whole night.  Peace, I miss you, dude.

Wow, listing my feelings like that was very therapeutic.  I'm glad I got it out.  I feel much better now.

Here are some things I still have, and I'm very grateful for them:

Kids
Dog
Family
Friends
Computer
Coffee
Bad attitude (my own, I don't like yours)
A LOVE for diesel engines that surpasses any mortal understanding
ALL the power tools, yo
This amazing blog
The ability to sleep and drive (no, I'm really good at it)
Smart alec skilz
My low-skilled but high-paying and excessively dishonorable job (it's pretend, though)

So, I guess things aren't too bad after all.

A Night in the Life....

Because, I wouldn't be for realz if I didn't post something like this at some point...

5:30pm - Power goes out due to...well, I'm assuming the storm, even though it had passed hours earlier.  I was halfway through cooking dinner, so nothing was really quite hot or cooked so much.  We ate salmonella and e.coli in the dark.  Tasty.

6:00pm - Take the kids to my favorite coffee shop to do homework in the light.

6:10pm - Turn around and come back home because I left the stove on when the power went out, and I didn't want to come home to being homeless.  Again.

6:20 - Head back to the coffee shop and unload kids and homework.

6:30 - Have the following conversation:

Coffee Shop Dude:  Are these all your kids?

Me:  Yes

Coffee Shop Dude:  Really?  ALL of them?

Me:  Yes

Coffee Shop Dude:  Wow...so...five of them?

Me:  Uh...six, dude, there are six.

Coffee Shop Dude:  oh...one, two, three, four, five....um?

Me:  Oh S***!  Where's Emma?  (As a matter of fact, yes, losing one kid then cussing in front of the other five did win me Mommy of the Year.  How did you know?)

Coffee Shop Dude:  Are you serious?

Me:  uhhh....I'll be right back.  :::Finds Emma asleep in the back corner of the van:::

6:45 - Everyone does homework and plays with their Mimi who lives around the corner from our coffee shop.

8:00 - Heading home, trying to avoid police dudes, because I'm pretty sure my car isn't completely legal.  Yet.  Again.  But, whatever, yo.  There are lots of polices on our way home, but they aren't too worried about the legality of the mom-van, so whew!

8:30 - Everyone is tucked away in bed.  For the first time.

11:00 - Everyone is tucked away in bed.  For the last time.
           I get ready for bed.  See a mouse.  Scream. 
           I decide it couldn't have been a mouse, and go to bed.  Again.
           I look again, and there is so something moving around by the far wall.  YUK!!!
           I get real brave and turn on the light.
           It's a freakin' frog.
           In my bedroom. 
           Why?
           Ignore the frog and go to sleep.

12, 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5:00 - I'm awake, wondering if the stupid frog is ever going to stop hopping around in circles.  He doesn't. 

6:00 - Get out of bed to deal with the frog.  Can't find him.  Wake the kids up out of revenge for staying up so late.

Favorito Amigo

Te amo, mi solamente,
You are the sunlight in my day.

You cause me to write corny things that rhyme,
I think of you every moment in time.

I love waking up to see you there,
You're beautiful dressed up and when you are bare.

I want you to always be here with me,
mi amor, my one, my only...coffee.