Quote of the Day

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings. ~Dave Barry

Aug 26, 2013

Diet Cokes of Mass Destruction

I had to run to the store today to buy another million loaves of bread so my kids would be able to eat sandwiches for the next three days. I wanted to grab a six pack of Diet Coke, because my diet is coffee for breakfast, Diet Coke for lunch, and whatever I can convince the kids to eat for dinner.

So, I only had three of the kids, and they happened to be all boys. Boys are so easy to embarrass when you are their mother.

The Coke vendor happened to be standing there, very much in my way. He was already kind of laughing at me, but I don't know exactly why. The Diet Coke was on the bottom shelf, and the plastic bits holding it together were super floppy. I was leaning over them, trying to pick them up without catching them on the ones underneath. The tattooed giant of a soda vendor was watching me because I guess he thinks it's awesome how they always stock the soda so it's hardest to pick up.

One of the cans, hot and freshly shaken from being on the back of a truck, slipped out of the rings and slammed into the ground, exploding all over me. It wasn't like it got a crack and sprayed a little. It exploded. I was still leaning over it, so I just knelt there, eyes closed, waiting for the last drops of Diet Coke to fall from the sky into my hair.

I knew it was funny at the time, I was already laughing. But I couldn't judge the reactions of my sons or the Coke vendor because my glasses had drops of soda all over them. I was trying to clean the lenses, but my clothes were dripping.

When I was able to see again, the Coke vendor had his mouth covered laughing at me, which kind of made me mad because he should have been laughing with me. But I felt better when I saw that he had not escaped the fallout. His shorts were dripping Diet Coke into his combat boots. I said, "I'm sorry, dude." He said, "Happens all the time in this job," and went back to strategically placing Coke cans in such a way as to ensure nobody could pick them up.

My boys were struggling really hard, deciding between being mad at the guy for laughing at me or running away. They settled for staying ten feet behind me and pretending that they were only standing there to watch the show, not because the person standing in the middle of a 15 foot spray of soda was their ride home.

I picked up the 5 pack and began the long walk to the cash register. It was rush hour, all manner of people in the store picking up last-minute items for dinner. You guys, I had Coke dripping off of me - it was very noticeable. Luckily, it was also frightening, because people were staring until they saw me watching, then they would skedaddle into another aisle. They didn't see what happened, they just knew they didn't want any part of whatever I had been involved in.

I found the manager and told her I had exploded Diet Coke, and she asked if the Coke vendor was still there. I told her he was, and she was like, "Well what did HE do about it?" And I was all, "Well, he laughed..." and she left me standing there and went to yell at him. He blamed it on ME, you guys! She asked him what happened and he said, "She just dropped it!"

I didn't DROP IT. It flew out of the rings that were supposed to hold it, most likely the result of some shaking and stocking scheme he came up with while he was driving around today. He probably never dreamed he'd be lucky enough to witness the results of his evil plan. (Oh, I'm onto you, Coke vendor!)

So I was still holding a wet 5 pack, and I took it to the next employee. I held it up and said excuse me, and she looked up and said, "Oh hey!" like she knew me, then she walked away. Lady, I wasn't chatting with you. So I caught up with her and explained. She was no help.

I took the million loaves of bread to check out, along with a new 6 pack of Diet Coke, and the checker, who never once looked up at me, told me the cans were open. They're open? "Well, they're all wet," she said. Really? They're wet because of the GIANT EXPLOSION! That's why my dollars are all soaked in Coke, lady! And also why I look like I entered the wet t-shirt contest for People of Walmart! Wow.

The good news is that I am beyond embarrassment over spilling sodas after that one time when I spilled one right in front of my crush when I was 16, in the middle of the sermon I was giving him about how I never get embarrassed about things. But my boys are still not ready to laugh at this.

Aug 17, 2013

14 Moms Who Cannot Even Believe You Right Now

Because yesterday I pretty much gave dads all over the world permission to break out the Super Glue and permanently affix themselves to a sofa cushion, I feel a tad indebted to the moms today.

I don't have time to look over every post I've written to see if I have done the obligatory Mommy Blogger Ode to Moms post in the past. I probably have, and it was probably crazy enough to be somewhat reflective of what kind of mom I was at that point in my life. Now, who knows what I do?

But either way, writing about motherhood is much more difficult for me. Dads are easy because you can distract them with beer and then they forget what you said about them. Moms are only distracted by naptimes and I just don't have a lot of those laying around to show off to you guys.

So, I present to you:

14 Moms Who Cannot Even Believe You Right Now 

With a hat tip to BuzzFeed...I'm not sure if they own Internet lists, but it's safe to assume they corner the market.

 

1. This mom, who cannot even believe that she is still trying to explain algebra to you. 

2. This mom who is pulling this plant out of her house AGAIN cannot even believe that you haven't learned to use a toilet.

3. This mom who is so totally shocked that you would even think to do what you did that she is leaving you in the park and taking this cow-shaped plant home in your place.

4. This mom, who knew she shouldn't have worn the skirt without pockets, cannot believe you locked her out of the house.

5. This mom cannot even believe your obsession with her glasses. Cannot. Believe. It. Stahp.

6. This mom who cannot believe that you are still walking in the same direction, even though she's been making the "turn around and RUN" face at you for two minutes.

7. This mom can't even look at you right now. She cannot. She cannot believe you would wear that to the beach. She just can't. 

8. This mom, who is in so much disbelief over your Facebook profile she is actually going to copy it. DO YOU GET IT NOW, KID? DO YOU? Please.

9. This mom...just...no. Just get. out. She just can't.

10. This mom who cannot believe that you still think she is gone when you're playing peek-a-boo. Get it together, baby! She's always there!!!

11. This mom, who has actually lost her mind at this point, cannot believe that you would eat her face cream again. Let her show you, child. Look. LOOK AT THE FACE CREAM GOING ON HER FACE! 

 12. This mom cannot believe that you were so bad in the store that she had to put herself in a time out.

13. This mom who, if she wasn't so tired, would not even believe that you stayed up all night and now she's falling asleep on her first night out in three and half years. 

14. This mom just cannot believe that you didn't help with the groceries. She hopes you're not hungry this week, boy.

You'll notice that my own mother is not on this list, because she is the most amazing mom in the world. She can ALWAYS believe what I did! (Not really, but I know her "I cannot even believe you right now" face, and trust me, Internet, we'd all be so full of shame we wouldn't come out of our rooms for a week!)

I love you to the best mama in the whole wide world and even in the entire Internet!

Aug 16, 2013

Someone Dropped Their Feelers on My Blog

This little blog has gone through a transformation. First, I eliminated (most of) the sometimes words (aka: "grownup words"), then I tried to cut out some of the snark from my dark years. Finally, I started in with the talk of Heaven and babies and all sorts of holy and feely things that weren't part of my Personal Brand. In reality, they were...and they are. So naturally, they came spilling forth in a torrent of half-done thoughts and Big Words I Don't Really Use in Conversation.

You're welcome.

But today happened, y'all. It happened, and it happened after the last week, which was full of disappointment and discouragement and all sorts of chaos. So what is a snarky blogger from way back to do without her snark?

I'm going to try on "Encouraging and Positive" and see how it fits. (Spoiler Alert: It doesn't.)

A letter, for the dads...

Dear Dads of the World (and I know you're all reading this...),

To the dads who cast aside fears and doubts when that little line turns into two (or a plus sign, or a blinking neon sign screaming that your life is about to change forever), thank you for that infinitely precious look on your face the first time you hold your child.

For every dad who spends hours every day away from his family to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, thank you is not even enough. The perseverance it takes to go on, day by day, to maintain the status quo is nothing short of heroic.

To every dad who "makes it" in the business world and knows his true value rests in those precious bundles of potential he's brought into the world, the rest of the world thanks you for your contribution to society.

And for the dad who isn't bringing home enough gold coins to make a diving pool, and still knows he is the richest of all, let me tell you that your children stand to gain ever so much more from life than from lifestyle.

If you have ever come home, exhausted from a day's work, and spent an hour playing catch, or having a tea party, or listening to the never ending saga of the Mario Bros., you are The Man.

For any father whose child is not sitting on a curb, waiting for him to show up but knowing that he will not, you are making a difference. If you come home from work, sit on the couch, turn on the TV and generally make an ass of yourself, you're making a difference. I don't recommend doing it that way (don't throw things at me, moms!), but let me buy you a beer sometime and tell you about how much your mere presence is changing the world.

For the daddy who is reading bedtime stories tonight, tucking freshly bathed kids in, or waking up to chase another monster out from under the bed - you matter, dude. You matter a LOT.

To the dads who are able to watch proudly as their little boy or girl graduates, when they look out through the lights in their faces on stage and see you sitting there, wow. Always be the face they find when they are blinded by the world around them. Always.

To the daddy walking his little girl down the aisle, she is so proud to dance with you tonight! Your example is what led her to choose this man to partner with for the rest of her life. And all the dad dancing you've embarrassed her with through her whole life...well that just gives her more to remember.

For every dad whose children believe in him enough that they are ready to believe in bigger things, well done. If your kid knows fatherly love well enough to have an understanding of his Father, you have given him the most priceless gift.

To the dads who hold a grandchild in their arms, seasoned from the experiences of fatherhood into a man who knows exactly how precious this little child is, enjoy this time. You have earned it.

For the daddies holding the hands of their crying children in the last moments of life...


 And my own dad, I may not claim to know you half the time, but that's what makes you Dad. And for the record, I'd trade a thousand "fathers" for my very own Daddy. I love you.

~MannyRee




Aug 10, 2013

End of Summer Blues

I know that a lot of parents are happy about school starting again. Back to the eight, blessed hours a day that the kids have somebody else to fill up all of their "bored" time. I have never been one of those parents. I like it when my kids are home.

But the last few days have been something new. Approaching our very first school year starting out with all six at home, the only thing the school year is bringing is more to add to our schedule, with a side of even more time together.

Now keep in mind, I'm the mom who loves when we have blizzards because we are stuck in the house and nobody can go anywhere and I get to live out all of my Laura Ingalls fantasies. But this summer, the kids haven't seen their dad in over a month, which means they have been with me 24-7 for weeks, except two nights they spent with their aunts. No problem - I got this.

The major problem is that they have been with each other that much.This results in a lot of down time spent plotting new ways to launch hangers and shoes at one another, and the only people who are safe from such assaults are the ones nearest mom.

That means that, for about three weeks now, I have had at least one person glued to me for 16 hours of the day.

A normal day in my house looks like this:
Please be kind to my child with the Hershey Kiss head. Also the one with the short leg, as he makes up for it with his giant face.

And during the summer, most of the days look like this:


But the last few weeks have more like:
 

So as you can see, we could use a little break. Next week, they will be going to see a grandmother. If all goes well, the hanger launching will be forgotten by the time we start school.