Quote of the Day

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings. ~Dave Barry

Jul 30, 2011

When I Have a Life, I'll Quit Talking About my Truck

Ninja Truck has disgraced the family. He went to a shop. This is uncool.

Even less cool is the series of phone calls I received from the mechanic over the next two days.

Him: MannyRee? Hi, uh...it looks like you'll need about $4000 to fix your truck.

Me: Uh...I could buy three of my trucks with that much money. What's going on? I just needed an alignment.

Him: Well....you have a tail light out.

Me: No I don't.

Him: Yes, it doesn't work...we can replace the bulb for you.

Me: Have fun with that, because you have to take the door off and use four different screwdrivers and then once you get the bulbs in, you realize that there is a wiring problem.

Him: Oh. That sucks. I don't do wiring. But you also have a power steering leak.

Me: Ok. But what about an alignment?

Him: You need new tie rods.

Me: Those are  new tie rods. Alignment?

Him: You need new ball joints.

Me: Those are new ball joints.

Him: Well, they don't fit the control arm. You need a new control arm.

Me: Can you tell if the control arm is forged or stamped?

Him: ...

Me: If it's forged, maybe we could tack weld the ball joints. The stamped control arms are more uniform.

Him: MY computer didn't tell me that.

Me: Put my truck back together, I'm coming to get him.


I don't know an awful lot about cars, but when the shop mechanic argues with me based on what his shop computer told him -- it's time to find a garage mechanic. Like my brother. Yay, for brother! He gets to spend more time under Ninja Truck, which is basically his birthday and Christmas all rolled into one. (Don't tell him, though, I want to see the look of excitement on his face when I surprise him.)

I went to the shop to surprise the mechanic yesterday, and boy was he happy about it. I made him show me everything he was talking about and he was so glad for that opportunity. I'm sure he appreciates the more "hands-on" customers. When I called later, the guy on the phone told me I was close to winning the Most Annoying Customer Ever Award. They are scoring big points up there, let me tell ya. I think they quoted the $4000 just to get rid of me. I don't understand why it's such a big deal that I want to understand exactly why they want to charge me more than my truck is worth to fix it. If this isn't a time to ask questions, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Ninja Truck is on his way home, and I have about two weeks to fix him before school starts again. And he can forget about a new air conditioner, because he is being all high maintenance and I'm feeling used. When school starts, we get to start the whole other type of stress, so the truck is going to have to suck it up until next summer.

Jul 25, 2011

I'm Not Even Sure What I'm Saying Here

Today I learned that there is a good reason for the "delete" button.

Also, I can still be upset by things that happened five years ago.

Also? I can't wait to see my babies again and make them clean their rooms. There is nothing better than an afternoon spent telling people to clean their rooms to make you feel more in touch with reality.

It rained last night, so I went for a walk. It was lovely...it was totally dark outside and the air had that awesome scent. I took Shucks and a flashlight and my phone (in case I got attacked by cows or something). The thing with walking in the dark in the country with a flashlight is that you get mauled by giant bugs that you really can't see coming until they smack you in the face. They liked the flashlight, so I turned it off. It was really dark and scary, so I turned it back on.

I had taken Shucks so I wouldn't be scared, but he was on a mission to pee on every blade of grass and didn't really care that I was being eaten alive by pterodactyl sized bugs. Even after I said "fweep." Eventually, the bugs went home because of the rain, but the cows started following me. They are bigger than bugs, so I went home.

Here's the thing about dirt roads: If you own a 4WD, 7.3l Powerstroke and can't go more than 10mph because you're worried about a rock hitting your paint, please trade me cars because you aren't using your truck correctly and I can absolutely find something to do with it. Or let me pass. Because WOW, annoying. If you don't have a cloud of dust in your rear view or mud splattering your truck bed, you aren't doing the dirt road thing right.

Ooooo, baby!
So yeah.
Most romantic date EVER.
Anyway, speed up or hand over the truck -- redneck law.

Jul 23, 2011

Laundry and Wasp Armies

I was multitasking like a boss  today, trying to fix my broken washer and dryer (while also doing laundry) and cooking dinner and trying to find something to wear. I innocently reached for the bottle of fabric softener when I looked right above it and saw this:
 It's hard to tell from this picture, but that is a group of GIANT KILLER WASPS that are covering the wall. I said "FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!" (because I'm ninja like that) and the wasps weren't scared of me at all. Instead, they simultaneously turned to stare at me and decided to eat me.
 To give you an idea of how GIANT and KILLER these wasps are, I also snapped a picture of the one that ate Ninja Truck. It's a sad day -- due to the no wheels, Ninja Truck was defenseless and there was no hope for him.
After I said "FWEEP", the wasps brought their leader out.
"Leave the fabric softener and we won't eat you."

Me: But I'm washing sheets.
"Leave it or DIIIIIIIIE!"
 Me: But I said "Fweep."
"Yeah, what was THAT, anyway?"
Me: That means I'm the boss and you guys don't live in the house.
"Fweep? Look, lady...we live here. What are you gonna do about it?"
Me: Fweep?
"Still not working. I suggest you pack your bags, hun. Leave the fabric softener and the dinner, and just pretend we never met."
Me: *sigh* ok...

Jul 22, 2011

Papaw

This week has been a whirlwind of truck fixing and hanging with friends and hospital visits. It's already been documented that my family has a crazy gene that only shows up in the dark quiet halls of hospitals late at night. My grandfather's move to ICU a couple of days ago has given us all lots of time to be roaming and driving nurses up the wall.

I think my grandpa is getting tired of our antics, too, and tried this morning to trick the hospital staff into taking him back for surgery (any old surgery he could get, I think) early in order to get out and go home sooner. I can't blame him, either. They should totally allow the barter system when it comes to surgery. "I'll take your amputation today if you take my gall bladder surgery tomorrow. I go home sooner and you get free meals for an extra day -- win/win, right?"

The thing about my Papaw is that he's very funny, but he's usually very serious, so not everyone gets to see that side. It's what made us grandkids love him growing up, though. Here is my Papaw Triolet, from a family assignment a few years back.

Oogly Googly Goo!
Hey, Hey, good lookin'.
I am speaking the language of you-know-who.
Oogly Googly Goo!
Keep your belly in, or he'll get you!
Good chili cookin'.
Oogly Googly Goo!
Hey, Hey, good lookin'.

Only our family would understand this, but it sums things up pretty well. Please, my friends, say an extra prayer for him tomorrow!

Jul 18, 2011

The Good Doctor/Dealer

Ninja Truck is still feeling down, and my neighbors have got to be wondering how long they get to enjoy the epic reneckiness of this:
This is some BS right here -- I don't know who put all that mess there and left that Chevy on blocks, but it's lowering property values. Also? What's up with the vacuum leaning against the house? PSHHH...some people.

I had to go visit the doctor today, and he didn't tell me to quit smoking once. It was a WIN for me. He also gave me one single pill that is supposed to help with bronchitis, the TUMOROFDEATH on my ribs, and the broken leg from the Fourth of July....anyone else think he's lying to me and trying to placebo me out of his office. He needs to recognize that it literally costs three dollars per second to have a conversation with him and that placebo pats-on-the-back should get a serious discount. That was some BS, too.

He did assure me that the magic pills would work, just so long as I took SIX of them at once. Dude, anytime someone tells you to take six pills at once and you'll feel better all over your whole entire self? That means DRUGS, yo. Not the doctor/pharmacy kind, either. The kind that you learn to say no to in second grade. Too bad second grade was a loooong time ago for me, because I put all six of those pills in my hand, looked at them and said "REALLY? Six of them? At once?" Then swallowed them anyway because I'm not going to pay three dollars a second and not do what the man says.

On a completely unrelated note, my walls were purple and melty when I got home tonight, so guess who's getting a phone call from their favorite tenant tomorrow! Landlord these days...I may have to get a pill to help me deal with the purple melty walls, and also the roof keeps telling me what kind of dog food to buy. But on the bright side, my leg doesn't hurt AT ALL.

Jul 15, 2011

Bits and Pieces and No Parts

Tomorrow, my kids leave for twelve entire days. I am predicting a major freak-out on about day four. Me, not them. But my house will be so clean! But I'm probably going to throw laundry and goldfish crackers all over the place just so it feels like home. But my truck will be clean! But it is currently sans wheels in the driveway. But WHATEVER.

I plan to clean and buy groceries in peace. I also plan to sit in the driveway and supervise the dudes of fame while they fix Ninja Truck. Not that they need the supervision, but I figure I should watch anyway, because how many other times in my life do twelve guys show up in my driveway with coolers full of beer? Never.  That's how many times.

They took the truck apart tonight, but due to my failure to obtain the parts (which was due to the fifteenth time Donovan pooped his pants in one day), they couldn't really fix it all the way. I assume, anyway. I'm pretty sure driving without ball joints is exactly what the original problem was in the first place. (That's what all the scraping sounds were and also why the driver's seat was sitting directly on top of the parking lot.) Get some ball joints, is my point -- they're necessary.

After my truck is fixed, I need to get the AC fixed also because 110 degrees means that I can't show up anywhere before 10pm without being half melted. Half melted is better than all the way melted, but still not as good as not melted in any way whatsoever. Trust me on this...it's not good for you. Or anyone who has to be around you. You get all your melty pieces on them and they get all pissy about it and it just turns into a big disaster.

I watched my baby cousin today and only hurt her face one time. She's still mad at me for it, and when her mom got here she went all "AAAAH! MOM! Guess what they DID!!!!" And I was all "She totally started it!" And since the baby can't make sentences yet, her mom totally believed me over her so I won that one. Except now she knows where I sleep so you can bet I'll be keeping one eye open for the next few nights.

Jul 12, 2011

Simultaneous Surprise Low-Rider Ninja






As I was innocently driving the kids to bible school this evening, Ninja Truck decided he was done with the whole "being on wheels" nonsense and just jumped off of them.

I heard this horrible scraping and managed to turn into the parking lot before he gave up and quit going. I got out, fearing for a tire, and discovered this:
It's hard to tell, but trucks don't belong at that angle. There was no tire involved...but the frame was on the ground. I don't know an awful lot about cars, but I think the framework pretty much belongs somewhere higher than the tires.

I had to call my brother Anthony who kindly left a bucket of beer in the presence of some friends and called AAA for me. My coffee date with Tracy was doomed, as we waited two hours for the tow truck to show up. Tracy drove me to get coffee at the gas station and we hung out in her car, smoking ciggies and waving at Baptists.



AAA has a truck that WALKS (which apparently is Ninja Truck's plan, what with the forgoing of wheels and such). It walked under my truck and picked him up. In the shot above, you could hear Ninja Truck screaming, "OW!!! My bumper! My FACE!!!" I told him he deserved it. He said it was a lifestyle choice and there was nothing he could do about it...he was born to not be on wheels and he wasn't going to continue the farce of driving around on those horrid things anymore.

I'm all for diversity and everything, but no truck of mine is going to be running around on its framework. We argued and fought for the rest of the evening. For now, Ninja Truck is grounded.



Literally.

People are Friends, Not Food

Yesterday Dalton and the neighbor boy had an Epic Spider Hunt in the house. They spent the entire afternoon tracking a wolf spider they found in the bedroom. This was literally hours of entertainment for them. Every time they found the spider, they would call me in to kill it. I told them no, I like wolf spiders and he was more than welcome in the house as far as I was concerned. I like spiders unless they are inebriated.

A couple houses ago, there was a giant wolf spider who lived in my kitchen. The first time I saw him, I tried to sweep him up and he ended up losing a leg in the Battle of the Broom. I can't remember where I put him, but he showed back up the next day -- seven legs and a sign saying "MannyRee's Kitchen or Bust." I had to let him stay after that, because there are laws about squatters and stuff; and rather than go through all the legal channels and possibly lose the house to a spider, I let him have the kitchen and named him Pete.

Pete was an awesome pet. I didn't have to feed or water him, and he made sure we didn't have flies. It was a pretty good arrangement, but he freaked everyone else out with his crazy spiderness paired with the horror-movie gait he acquired with the loss of his leg.

Pete lived in my kitchen for a very long time, and was the only thing left in the house when we moved. I like to think the new occupants have let him hang around. 

My boys didn't think it was ok to let Pete Number Two live in their bedroom, so they tracked him down, jumped on the top bunk and screamed for me every hour for about four hours. They tried to Febreeze him, but Pete Number Two said "Not today, yo." Pete Number Two is my new best friend because anyone who can keep those two eight-year-old boys occupied inside the house for that long is pretty cool. Basically, Shucks is a crappy baby-sitter and just got replaced with a spider. Shucks is ashamed and moved under the house.

I'm looking to hire a squirrel to keep the girls occupied, and I'm working on training the killer dust bunnies to keep track of Donovan.

Jul 11, 2011

I Have No Feelings. And I Can Talk. Shut Up.

When it's 110 degrees outside and your air conditioner doesn't work, you shouldn't try to get groceries. I dropped the kid off at bible school this afternoon and went to the store planning to have enough groceries in the house until their next visit with their dad. I bought twelve different kinds of fruit, twenty gallons of things to drink, and some ice cream. Nothing else. I think fruit will work for breakfast and lunch, but I'm not sure how many nights I can get away with ice cream for dinner. I'm not going back, though, because I'll just stock up on lemonade, which was gone before I even got home to unload the groceries.

We stopped to put gas in Ninja Truck tonight and Donovan's window was rolled down and he was yelling at everyone in the parking lot. "HEEEYYY! WHAS YO NAME?????" This guy walking out beside me was cracking up and Donovan was telling me to move the truck so he could see better. It was attracting quite a bit of attention, to the embarrassment of his older siblings.

As we pulled out, Madilynn was lecturing him on talking to strangers. She said, "I didn't tell him not to talk to the guy for two reasons. One was because mommy was right there, and also because I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Donovan had an inexplicably adverse reaction to her statement.

Donovan: I don't have FEELINGS!!!!  I'll talk a BUNCH! YOU STOP IT, MADILYNN! AAAAHHH!!!!!" :::spits on Madilynn:::

He earned a couple swats or a grounding for that, but I couldn't do anything because I was laughing so hard. Don't tell him he has feelings. That boy will talk a bunch...whenever he WANTS.  Dammit, yo! Why do people gotta mess with him anyway?

BTW, Ninja Truck is grounded for using enough gas for Donovan to make forty friends in a parking lot while we fill the truck up halfway.