This last week has been absolutely crazy and I'm sure everyone is waiting on the tell-all expose...
First of all, there was Monday. The day of the crazy texts and kids throwing up. Also? Monday.
Then on Tuesday, Donovan had a fever and it broke his whine filter.
On Wednesday, we stayed home from school one last day to make sure nobody was sick, and Donovan's whine filter repaired around midnight. And I need a word for those text messages you just don't know what to do with...the crazy ones. Crexts? Tazies? ... Psycotixts?
Thursday, we stayed home from school even though nobody in my house was sick. This had mostly to do with who else may be sick, and how badly we didn't want to get involved in it.
On Friday, I finally got brave enough for class and sent the boys on their way. I spent the morning sorting paperwork at yet another government office, and answered phone calls including one from the long-lost shiny-haired lawyer, whom I had presumed dead since November. Apparently, he lives, and was full of advice that involved a cooperative ex. Meanwhile, Mr. Cooperative Himself was battling many illnesses in the ICU, but I didn't know that yet. This is one of those cases where you wish you had just answered your mother-in-law's calls before you found your lawyer's, ya know? Right? Anyone? .... Oh.
Saturday was full of medical updates and text messages. It was not a particularly enjoyable day. My aunt told me that sending mass texts while someone was in the hospital was like being a pitcher in a baseball game, only when you throw one pitch, everyone in the stands throws a ball at you....and she was right. I broke my thumbs trying to relay texts to my family, and glean information from his.
One problem with inlaws is that, when someone is in the hospital, it's already stressful enough; then it's also the time you find out how vastly different two families can be. I imagine that being an ex-inlaw isn't the best thing to be, either, but I'll give it to both our families, they have all been very kind to me, to him, and to each other.
Sunday, we got word that he was suddenly doing much better, and was expected to make a full recovery. We celebrated by tailgating in our driveway while we watched the sun set, and I may or may not have had a couple beers and they may or may not have made my nervous tummy ache finally go away...
And then, Interwebz, it was Monday again. We all went back to our normal routine, only I called a ban on homework until we can sort out our life a little bit. Then I recalled the ban, because honestly....then I called it back on again because if the kids don't go to bed at some point in the next month, I'm not going to make it.
So that is the story of our week, most of it is true, some of it is tabloidesque in it's embellishments. I was told once that a writer never reveals which is which. I also plan on breaking that rule but only when I totally sell out...then, Interwebz, I will have to change my name and run away somewhere warm and ocean-y where nobody will ever find me. Darn.
Feb 26, 2011
It started out as a post, then turned into I can't think straight
Our family has had a rough couple of days. I have spent quite a few hours trying to write about it, but Interwebz, I just can't do it! Instead, I'll throw it in my book, and you can read this....
Police, Field Trips, and Why Emma gets Left at School from Now On...
I took the kids to the police station today on the way home from school. I thought this would be a great way to break up the screaming/fighting/murdering that goes on in the back seat all the way home, and also be a chance for the kids to learn something. We all piled out of the car, went inside and sat in the lobby.
Officer: Ma'am, can I help you with something?
Me: :::looks closely at the officer::: Prolly not...got any big scary officers back there we can talk to?
Officer: Is there something you need help with?
Me: Yes, but I just don't think you're quite the right public servant...I need someone scary.
Officer: Ma'am, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but if you are here for a reason, you can tell me about it and I will direct you to the right person.
Me: Well, my kids were trying to kill each other on the way home from school. After my ears started bleeding and I was tempted to just get out and let my fourth grader take the wheel, I decided to bring them here.
Officer: We don't arrest children.
Me: :::puppy face::: pwwweeeease????
Officer: :::sighs::: I think you need to leave.
Me: Wait! I've seen those talk shows where you guys get a big scary officer and have him yell at the bad kids until they cry and then they change their ways and their moms are so happy and relaxed after that...can I get some of that?
Officer: This isn't a drive-through.
Me: Aren't you a public servant? Well....I'm part of the public, right? So fix my kid, I order thee!
Officer: Ma'am, if I have to go get a big scary officer, he will be coming after you, not the kids.
Me: Oh. :::sad face:::
Officer: :::taps foot:::
Me: Ok, wait, I have one more question...
Officer: ...
Me: Oh, well, uh, see, my daughter Emma? She screams all the way home, and she's like, unnaturally loud. I thought maybe you could give her a job? Help her work out some of her frustrations? She's four, but she's very precocious.
Officer: A job?
Me: ....yes?
Officer: Are you serious?
Me: yes?
Officer: You want your four year old little girl to be a police officer? I'm calling CPS...
Me: No! :::grabs the phone from him and hangs it up::: :::chuckles::: Of course not! I thought she could be a siren.
Officer: A...siren?
Me: Yeah, like the thing that makes all the noise when you need people to get out of the way? She's good at that. When we left the school today, we didn't have to worry about traffic because she was pulling people over all the way here.
Officer: Are you talking about (my kids' school) right when it got out? Because we did have an emergency in that area, and there was a minivan that would not get out of the officer's way. Would that have been you?
Me: No, I saw that van, it wasn't me. I was in the van who pulled that officer over because even he thought I was an emergency vehicle.
Officer: You need to go. Now.
Me: So, we'll just get back to you on the job...? No?
Police, Field Trips, and Why Emma gets Left at School from Now On...
I took the kids to the police station today on the way home from school. I thought this would be a great way to break up the screaming/fighting/murdering that goes on in the back seat all the way home, and also be a chance for the kids to learn something. We all piled out of the car, went inside and sat in the lobby.
Officer: Ma'am, can I help you with something?
Me: :::looks closely at the officer::: Prolly not...got any big scary officers back there we can talk to?
Officer: Is there something you need help with?
Me: Yes, but I just don't think you're quite the right public servant...I need someone scary.
Officer: Ma'am, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but if you are here for a reason, you can tell me about it and I will direct you to the right person.
Me: Well, my kids were trying to kill each other on the way home from school. After my ears started bleeding and I was tempted to just get out and let my fourth grader take the wheel, I decided to bring them here.
Officer: We don't arrest children.
Me: :::puppy face::: pwwweeeease????
Officer: :::sighs::: I think you need to leave.
Me: Wait! I've seen those talk shows where you guys get a big scary officer and have him yell at the bad kids until they cry and then they change their ways and their moms are so happy and relaxed after that...can I get some of that?
Officer: This isn't a drive-through.
Me: Aren't you a public servant? Well....I'm part of the public, right? So fix my kid, I order thee!
Officer: Ma'am, if I have to go get a big scary officer, he will be coming after you, not the kids.
Me: Oh. :::sad face:::
Officer: :::taps foot:::
Me: Ok, wait, I have one more question...
Officer: ...
Me: Oh, well, uh, see, my daughter Emma? She screams all the way home, and she's like, unnaturally loud. I thought maybe you could give her a job? Help her work out some of her frustrations? She's four, but she's very precocious.
Officer: A job?
Me: ....yes?
Officer: Are you serious?
Me: yes?
Officer: You want your four year old little girl to be a police officer? I'm calling CPS...
Me: No! :::grabs the phone from him and hangs it up::: :::chuckles::: Of course not! I thought she could be a siren.
Officer: A...siren?
Me: Yeah, like the thing that makes all the noise when you need people to get out of the way? She's good at that. When we left the school today, we didn't have to worry about traffic because she was pulling people over all the way here.
Officer: Are you talking about (my kids' school) right when it got out? Because we did have an emergency in that area, and there was a minivan that would not get out of the officer's way. Would that have been you?
Me: No, I saw that van, it wasn't me. I was in the van who pulled that officer over because even he thought I was an emergency vehicle.
Officer: You need to go. Now.
Me: So, we'll just get back to you on the job...? No?
Feb 24, 2011
Open House
Kindergarten and Pre-K had an open house at school this evening. I seriously considered skipping it, but my girls had been so excited about it, and have missed so much fun at school this week, I decided we should go.
Because of my late decision making, we weren't really prepared for an evening in public of Hoity Toity Town. I left the house thinking "at least we're all dressed". Emma was wearing all black, including a little skirt that kept falling off of her, because she wanted to "match" and "be fancy". She also had on purple snow boots. Madi's outfit was more pulled together, except her pants didn't exactly fit and I forgot to pull her hair back. I didn't even want to notice what the boys were wearing. Didn't matter, anyway, because I pulled a tight jacket over a giant t-shirt and stuck my hair in a baseball cap.
When we got there, I thought maybe they had sent home a "black tie" notice on one of our sick days. All the dads were in their work clothes, which, you would think I could identify with, but I didn't see one blue collar type dad there. The scrubbiest-dressed dads were literally wearing surgeon's scrubs.
I overheard a few conversations between the men who were just meeting, talking about flying to so-and-so and trying to get back in time to catch a plane to somewhere-else. If one guy had more places to go, the other guy would go all "Well, nice to meet ya, man" all loud, because it doesn't matter where you're going if you're louder than the other guy.
It reminded me of a scene I witnessed yesterday when a strange dog was barking at Shucks through the fence. They barked for awhile, then Shucks chased him about halfway along the fence line. The strange dog stopped to pee on a fence post. As soon as he turned away, Shucks went and peed on the same post. The other dog, not to be outdone, came back to pee in the same spot. Shucks said, "You can pee all you want, but it's still my fence. Nice to meet ya, man!" and walked away with his head held high.
There was one mom dressed like me tonight, meaning, she hadn't had time for makeup and curling irons or even a brush, and her jacket may not have been smaller than her t-shirt, but her sweatpants were. I couldn't stop to make friends, though, because she was also surrounded by a ten-foot circle of kids...we just gave each other a nod from across our sea of children and went on our way.
I did try to talk to a few of the elite crowd, but Donovan had an unfortunate case of the gassies, and because he insisted I carry him the entire time, there weren't many people who wanted to get close enough to us to chat.
The girls had a great time showing off their classrooms, which made the evening worth it. Who needs Hoity Toity when we can be country together? Or whatever you call little black dress with purple snow boots.
Because of my late decision making, we weren't really prepared for an evening in public of Hoity Toity Town. I left the house thinking "at least we're all dressed". Emma was wearing all black, including a little skirt that kept falling off of her, because she wanted to "match" and "be fancy". She also had on purple snow boots. Madi's outfit was more pulled together, except her pants didn't exactly fit and I forgot to pull her hair back. I didn't even want to notice what the boys were wearing. Didn't matter, anyway, because I pulled a tight jacket over a giant t-shirt and stuck my hair in a baseball cap.
When we got there, I thought maybe they had sent home a "black tie" notice on one of our sick days. All the dads were in their work clothes, which, you would think I could identify with, but I didn't see one blue collar type dad there. The scrubbiest-dressed dads were literally wearing surgeon's scrubs.
I overheard a few conversations between the men who were just meeting, talking about flying to so-and-so and trying to get back in time to catch a plane to somewhere-else. If one guy had more places to go, the other guy would go all "Well, nice to meet ya, man" all loud, because it doesn't matter where you're going if you're louder than the other guy.
It reminded me of a scene I witnessed yesterday when a strange dog was barking at Shucks through the fence. They barked for awhile, then Shucks chased him about halfway along the fence line. The strange dog stopped to pee on a fence post. As soon as he turned away, Shucks went and peed on the same post. The other dog, not to be outdone, came back to pee in the same spot. Shucks said, "You can pee all you want, but it's still my fence. Nice to meet ya, man!" and walked away with his head held high.
There was one mom dressed like me tonight, meaning, she hadn't had time for makeup and curling irons or even a brush, and her jacket may not have been smaller than her t-shirt, but her sweatpants were. I couldn't stop to make friends, though, because she was also surrounded by a ten-foot circle of kids...we just gave each other a nod from across our sea of children and went on our way.
I did try to talk to a few of the elite crowd, but Donovan had an unfortunate case of the gassies, and because he insisted I carry him the entire time, there weren't many people who wanted to get close enough to us to chat.
The girls had a great time showing off their classrooms, which made the evening worth it. Who needs Hoity Toity when we can be country together? Or whatever you call little black dress with purple snow boots.
Feb 22, 2011
Disclaimer: This is About Puke
Right in the middle of last night's drama text war, Donovan threw up. No warning or anything, just puked all over the place and sat in it and cried. This is a first for him. My kids don't get the "urps" because I got it enough as a kid for all of us. I said "Did you throw up?" even though he doesn't even know what that means. Donovan, not knowing how or why any of this was happening, was completely offended and in the most appalled voice a three year old boy can muster said "Yes??!?!"
I cannot stress enough how little I deal with these situations. I had no clue what to do about it. I couldn't decide if I cleaned up the bed or him first, or even how to clean those things, or whether I should just run up and down the road screaming for help.
I said "Hold on, baby, I'm going to get some paper towels."
Donovan screamed, "NOooooo..........I throw uuuuuuuuup..."
I ran to the kitchen, then couldn't quite figure out what I was going to do with the paper towels, anyway, so I put them back. I went to check on Donovan -- still screaming, still sitting in puke.
I said "Hang on, you wanna take a bath?"
He continued screaming. I took it as a yes.
I left to run the bath.
Then I came back and patted him on the back. It takes awhile for the bath to be ready, so I left again to find towels and new pajamas and new bedding, in what resulted in my running back and forth about twenty times from his room to every other room in the house, basically accomplishing nothing. He screamed some more.
When the bath was ready, I picked him up strategically so that he wouldn't get any disgustingness on me. He was offended by that, as well. I washed him, and then he was freezing.
After I got him dressed again and covered up, I laid him on the couch so I could go clean up his room. He immediately puked again, all over the couch and his new cleanliness.
:::sigh:::
I said, "Ok, don't move."
He got up and started running in circles, screaming about something he needed but he doesn't really speak very well, and I didn't know what he wanted. I finally figured out he wanted paper towels, so I handed some over to him while I did the rest.
I had given him a bucket...he is now convinced that the bucket is the evil device that caused all of this, and that his bed is also in on the scheme. He wants nothing to do with either of those things that make him throw up.
I stayed up most of the night, cleaning and making sure he was all settled in before I went to bed. When I climbed into my own bed in the wee hours of the morning, I heard him running down the hall. He wanted to sleep in my bed. Awwwwwwwww....the little puke machine wants mommy! Dang it! I said "Honey, maybe your bed is better...you still sleep on things that are covered in plastic. Mommy's bed is permanent." He didn't agree, so I let him in. Poor kid. He spent the rest of the night chasing my face around in his sleep so he could cough directly on it.
Fantastic.
I cannot stress enough how little I deal with these situations. I had no clue what to do about it. I couldn't decide if I cleaned up the bed or him first, or even how to clean those things, or whether I should just run up and down the road screaming for help.
I said "Hold on, baby, I'm going to get some paper towels."
Donovan screamed, "NOooooo..........I throw uuuuuuuuup..."
I ran to the kitchen, then couldn't quite figure out what I was going to do with the paper towels, anyway, so I put them back. I went to check on Donovan -- still screaming, still sitting in puke.
I said "Hang on, you wanna take a bath?"
He continued screaming. I took it as a yes.
I left to run the bath.
Then I came back and patted him on the back. It takes awhile for the bath to be ready, so I left again to find towels and new pajamas and new bedding, in what resulted in my running back and forth about twenty times from his room to every other room in the house, basically accomplishing nothing. He screamed some more.
When the bath was ready, I picked him up strategically so that he wouldn't get any disgustingness on me. He was offended by that, as well. I washed him, and then he was freezing.
After I got him dressed again and covered up, I laid him on the couch so I could go clean up his room. He immediately puked again, all over the couch and his new cleanliness.
:::sigh:::
I said, "Ok, don't move."
He got up and started running in circles, screaming about something he needed but he doesn't really speak very well, and I didn't know what he wanted. I finally figured out he wanted paper towels, so I handed some over to him while I did the rest.
I had given him a bucket...he is now convinced that the bucket is the evil device that caused all of this, and that his bed is also in on the scheme. He wants nothing to do with either of those things that make him throw up.
I stayed up most of the night, cleaning and making sure he was all settled in before I went to bed. When I climbed into my own bed in the wee hours of the morning, I heard him running down the hall. He wanted to sleep in my bed. Awwwwwwwww....the little puke machine wants mommy! Dang it! I said "Honey, maybe your bed is better...you still sleep on things that are covered in plastic. Mommy's bed is permanent." He didn't agree, so I let him in. Poor kid. He spent the rest of the night chasing my face around in his sleep so he could cough directly on it.
Fantastic.
Feb 21, 2011
Bipolar Shoes
In the wake of OMGSIXSNOWDAYS, the kids' school has decided to extend the length of the school year over most of the rest of the year. Because they missed six days....like, couldn't they just write it up as all the kids were sick or something?
I live in a town of double income, career driven families. This is my first school fight with other-parent backup. Exciting, no? I wish they would get on board about the family projects and stuff.
I had an entire hour to myself today, so I filed my taxes. I got a congratulations for my awesome tax planning because I didn't owe anything nor did they owe me. I was all "yeah, I'm an awesome tax planner. My whole plan is called 'Make 1000 dollars for the Whole Year'...pretty sweet, yo."
So now, I'm relaxing and enjoying drama-through-text because who wants to just sit and relax on Monday evening when they can be called exciting names every few minutes by someone who is too scared to call because they know I can out-smartassery them? The answer to the question is most definitely "me".
I just have some scheduling issues, because if school starts earlier, then I really can't do psychotic texts at midnight...I could possibly squeeze them in while I am waiting in line to pick up the kids. That is pretty much my down time.
I now understand those people who throw parties for their divorce. Which is another life lesson: Don't judge someone until you've walked ten years in their shoes, and then spent another two years trying to take off their shoes while their shoes call you a bitch and stalk you and mess up your kids.
I live in a town of double income, career driven families. This is my first school fight with other-parent backup. Exciting, no? I wish they would get on board about the family projects and stuff.
I had an entire hour to myself today, so I filed my taxes. I got a congratulations for my awesome tax planning because I didn't owe anything nor did they owe me. I was all "yeah, I'm an awesome tax planner. My whole plan is called 'Make 1000 dollars for the Whole Year'...pretty sweet, yo."
So now, I'm relaxing and enjoying drama-through-text because who wants to just sit and relax on Monday evening when they can be called exciting names every few minutes by someone who is too scared to call because they know I can out-smartassery them? The answer to the question is most definitely "me".
I just have some scheduling issues, because if school starts earlier, then I really can't do psychotic texts at midnight...I could possibly squeeze them in while I am waiting in line to pick up the kids. That is pretty much my down time.
I now understand those people who throw parties for their divorce. Which is another life lesson: Don't judge someone until you've walked ten years in their shoes, and then spent another two years trying to take off their shoes while their shoes call you a bitch and stalk you and mess up your kids.
Feb 20, 2011
In Hindsight, Maybe I Do Look a Little Pregnant
I had a call from the mother of Warrick's best friend at school. We haven't met in person yet, but our sons have been wanting us to talk so they can try to score some sleepovers. She told me that she had expressed concern to the teacher over allowing her son to visit my house, but the teacher said, "If I had kids, I would absolutely allow them to stay with Mandy." I was all what?!?! Because of all five teachers, she is the one who I know I drive up the wall with my inability to be a parent of a public school child. But I guess, when it doesn't come to school, she thinks I'm all right, and probably because she shares my awesome coffee shop and knows I have good judgement even though I can't get to school on time or do enough homework for a fourth grader.
That made me feel a lot better about myself, until I became all scandalous today with my secret baby.
I figured that being a single mother of six children would have garnered all the judgemental looks one person could possibly receive in today's society. The fact that I can have no more children, while not obvious to anyone who doesn't know me, is well known by my circle of friends. So today, when I showed up at church with my friends' new baby, I did not expect any more looks than I normally get just from the attention Donovan draws with his normal insanity during mass.
It seems that some people may have missed the news about the no-more-kids thing, completely ignored the single thing, and obviously never noticed before that I am NOT the kind of girl who can hide a pregnancy. On the contrary, I would start showing about three minutes after conception, and by week three, people were asking if I was having twins.
I had a few people ask me where I got the baby, but a couple more just gaped at me in shock. I couldn't figure out what the problem was so I figured my shirt was too low or something, until I realized they were looking at the baby.
It was a little awkward because they didn't actually say anything to me, and I didn't want to just randomly walk up to people and say "Oh, this isn't my kid, you know." I thought maybe I should put a sign on the baby that said "No, this isn't my mom", but then I didn't want anyone to think I kidnapped her, either, because my friend wouldn't be too impressed with my babysitting skills if I got arrested while I was watching her daughter. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me on that.
I have to wonder what they're going to think next week when I show up without her.
That made me feel a lot better about myself, until I became all scandalous today with my secret baby.
I figured that being a single mother of six children would have garnered all the judgemental looks one person could possibly receive in today's society. The fact that I can have no more children, while not obvious to anyone who doesn't know me, is well known by my circle of friends. So today, when I showed up at church with my friends' new baby, I did not expect any more looks than I normally get just from the attention Donovan draws with his normal insanity during mass.
It seems that some people may have missed the news about the no-more-kids thing, completely ignored the single thing, and obviously never noticed before that I am NOT the kind of girl who can hide a pregnancy. On the contrary, I would start showing about three minutes after conception, and by week three, people were asking if I was having twins.
I had a few people ask me where I got the baby, but a couple more just gaped at me in shock. I couldn't figure out what the problem was so I figured my shirt was too low or something, until I realized they were looking at the baby.
It was a little awkward because they didn't actually say anything to me, and I didn't want to just randomly walk up to people and say "Oh, this isn't my kid, you know." I thought maybe I should put a sign on the baby that said "No, this isn't my mom", but then I didn't want anyone to think I kidnapped her, either, because my friend wouldn't be too impressed with my babysitting skills if I got arrested while I was watching her daughter. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me on that.
I have to wonder what they're going to think next week when I show up without her.
Feb 19, 2011
:::yawn:::
The kids got to go to their dad's last night, and I took advantage of it by not sleeping at all. Which, by the way, is the perfect way to get ready for a weekend with a new baby.
In the interest of getting a little sleep while the baby is napping, a repost:
What I Learned from Hip-Hop
Well, it seems that sitting in the house for ten years eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is not the best thing for your waistline, especially if you have been pregnant eight times within nine years. Pregnancy teaches your tummy how to grow so that your body knows exactly what to do with any extra calories you may consume. If it weren't for this phenomenon, mothers would never have the joy of being asked "When are you due" when they are not, in fact, pregnant. This is something about which I hope to one day discuss with Eve during our conversation on "Why did you eat the damn apple?".
I have noticed that I only enjoy one type of physical activity, and that is dance. I am not a dancer, and have restraining orders against my ever trying to dance again, so I try to only do it at home with the blinds shut because I don't like jail.
Diets make me angry. Not the lack of food, but diets in general. If I hear someone say "diet" I have an immediate attack of rage, so I thought maybe some new dance work-outs would be the best way for me to get back into shape. (Notice the use of the word "back", as if "shape" was a place I have ever been -- the only shape I know is circle.) I have a salsa DVD, which I love, but I am bored with it, so yesterday I was in the store trying to decide between swing and hip-hop. The logical choice would be swing -- I love swing, it's somewhat applicable to real life, and it's easier on my poor old back than jumping around punching at air. So, after thinking it through, I chose to buy hip-hop so that I could come back and get swing when I realize how old I am.
This morning, after a healthy breakfast, I was feeling really on track. I warmed up by kicking everything on the living room floor into one corner. There were a lot of things on the floor, so this was a great warm up. I put in the DVD and banished my oldest two children from the living room. The boys have a history of giggling at my dancing, saying things like, "Mommy, show Daddy that dance you were doing -- it was FUNNY!" or "heeheehee -- look at Mommy! Is she trying to do the same thing that girl on TV is doing???". Knowing that I shouldn't be attempting hip-hop, I knew that I had no choice but to banish the boys.
So, at the start of the video, all you have to do is take steps side-to-side, and I'm thinking "I so got this". That lasts about two and a half seconds until the girl starts kicking and doing these things with her feet that make no sense whatsoever. She's saying "up, up, down-down-down, crazy march and back-of-the-room and punch it!", and it seems that someone has led her to believe that these words somehow correspond with what she's doing with her feet. After a couple minutes of that, she says "Now for the arms!" I hurt my foot somewhere between the second "up" and "back-of-the-room", so I was excited about arms. At least until I realized that "arms" go with "feet", and as I was trying to do a "cross-over-pull-it-up" at the same time as a "jiggy-jump", I fell over. Since my foot was really hurting and I could hear my boys giggling from their spying spot in the hallway, I figured that it would be best to stay on the floor and just watch the rest so that I would know what is coming tomorrow and be awesome at it. If I can be perfectly honest here, I didn't even have the energy to watch it, so instead I wrote a list of things I had learned. Here ya' go...
What I Learned From Hip-Hop
1. Half of making the dance look good is the clothes -- the hillbilly look I currently sport doesn't fly.
2. I need better shoes.
3. Jumping and punching is a good way to learn the areas which need toning.
4. People who can dance like this and rap at the same time are true athletes.
5. I don't have cute, bouncy, dancer hair, nor do I know how to acquire it.
6. "Jiggy-jump" and "jiggy-kick" go together only if you can "pull-it-up" with your arms.
7. "Pull-it-up" does NOT apply to the baggy pants as I had previously thought.
8. Barring a desperate need to embarrass my children, there will never be an occasion for me to use the steps I learned today.
9. "Bootie" is required, not for looks, but for balance. (Looks like I have one thing going for me.)
10. I do have the ability to go "up, up, down-down-down", but just because you can do something does not mean you should.
In the interest of getting a little sleep while the baby is napping, a repost:
What I Learned from Hip-Hop
Well, it seems that sitting in the house for ten years eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is not the best thing for your waistline, especially if you have been pregnant eight times within nine years. Pregnancy teaches your tummy how to grow so that your body knows exactly what to do with any extra calories you may consume. If it weren't for this phenomenon, mothers would never have the joy of being asked "When are you due" when they are not, in fact, pregnant. This is something about which I hope to one day discuss with Eve during our conversation on "Why did you eat the damn apple?".
I have noticed that I only enjoy one type of physical activity, and that is dance. I am not a dancer, and have restraining orders against my ever trying to dance again, so I try to only do it at home with the blinds shut because I don't like jail.
Diets make me angry. Not the lack of food, but diets in general. If I hear someone say "diet" I have an immediate attack of rage, so I thought maybe some new dance work-outs would be the best way for me to get back into shape. (Notice the use of the word "back", as if "shape" was a place I have ever been -- the only shape I know is circle.) I have a salsa DVD, which I love, but I am bored with it, so yesterday I was in the store trying to decide between swing and hip-hop. The logical choice would be swing -- I love swing, it's somewhat applicable to real life, and it's easier on my poor old back than jumping around punching at air. So, after thinking it through, I chose to buy hip-hop so that I could come back and get swing when I realize how old I am.
This morning, after a healthy breakfast, I was feeling really on track. I warmed up by kicking everything on the living room floor into one corner. There were a lot of things on the floor, so this was a great warm up. I put in the DVD and banished my oldest two children from the living room. The boys have a history of giggling at my dancing, saying things like, "Mommy, show Daddy that dance you were doing -- it was FUNNY!" or "heeheehee -- look at Mommy! Is she trying to do the same thing that girl on TV is doing???". Knowing that I shouldn't be attempting hip-hop, I knew that I had no choice but to banish the boys.
So, at the start of the video, all you have to do is take steps side-to-side, and I'm thinking "I so got this". That lasts about two and a half seconds until the girl starts kicking and doing these things with her feet that make no sense whatsoever. She's saying "up, up, down-down-down, crazy march and back-of-the-room and punch it!", and it seems that someone has led her to believe that these words somehow correspond with what she's doing with her feet. After a couple minutes of that, she says "Now for the arms!" I hurt my foot somewhere between the second "up" and "back-of-the-room", so I was excited about arms. At least until I realized that "arms" go with "feet", and as I was trying to do a "cross-over-pull-it-up" at the same time as a "jiggy-jump", I fell over. Since my foot was really hurting and I could hear my boys giggling from their spying spot in the hallway, I figured that it would be best to stay on the floor and just watch the rest so that I would know what is coming tomorrow and be awesome at it. If I can be perfectly honest here, I didn't even have the energy to watch it, so instead I wrote a list of things I had learned. Here ya' go...
What I Learned From Hip-Hop
1. Half of making the dance look good is the clothes -- the hillbilly look I currently sport doesn't fly.
2. I need better shoes.
3. Jumping and punching is a good way to learn the areas which need toning.
4. People who can dance like this and rap at the same time are true athletes.
5. I don't have cute, bouncy, dancer hair, nor do I know how to acquire it.
6. "Jiggy-jump" and "jiggy-kick" go together only if you can "pull-it-up" with your arms.
7. "Pull-it-up" does NOT apply to the baggy pants as I had previously thought.
8. Barring a desperate need to embarrass my children, there will never be an occasion for me to use the steps I learned today.
9. "Bootie" is required, not for looks, but for balance. (Looks like I have one thing going for me.)
10. I do have the ability to go "up, up, down-down-down", but just because you can do something does not mean you should.
Feb 17, 2011
Random Bits and Pieces, Because I Have Nothing to Say
The kids are finally going to see their dad tomorrow, which they are thrilled about. Also, I am even more thrilled because I'm 'bout to go NUTS.
I have plans to see my long-lost cousin and his wife, who is my long-lost roommate. They better wanna party even if they did just have a baby like ten minutes ago, because I am not even going to sleep until ... well, probably till Monday.
I am babysitting my other long-lost roommates little (like, really little) girl for the weekend, too. I don't remember a lot about infants, but I seem to recall there was very little sleeping involved.
My kids are all freaked out excited that we get to borrow a baby for the weekend, and I have to admit that I'm a little happy about it, too. I kinda like babies, and I haven't had one for a long time...like, long enough that I am not allowed to claim "baby weight" anymore.
I am a little nervous, because my house is pretty chaotic already, but when my kids were little, things were more calm. I am hoping that the baby brings enough calm for us all to share. Babies come with their own calm, right? And I hope she can clean a living room, because Madilynn has that chore this week, and girl is laaaazyyyy. She wouldn't pick something up off the floor if it was diamonds dipped in chocolate. She will, however, kick things under the couch.
Anyway, back to the weekend...I'ma party. With my old friends (these are The Gate friends, yo). Then, I'm going to sleeeeep. As long as I want. Then I am getting coffee at my favorite place for which my mother in law gave me a $50 gift card and that's a lot of coffee. Then I get the baby and my own kids for Saturday night. Then, I'm off Monday, but my kids got their day off taken away because of snow days, which means I get to be one of those people who stays home while their kids are at school for one afternoon. Also, it means that Monday will hardly exist this week, which pretty much makes it a perfect week.
What? Random blathering, you say? Yes, but would you rather I write some more poems? Pshhh.
Good night!
I have plans to see my long-lost cousin and his wife, who is my long-lost roommate. They better wanna party even if they did just have a baby like ten minutes ago, because I am not even going to sleep until ... well, probably till Monday.
I am babysitting my other long-lost roommates little (like, really little) girl for the weekend, too. I don't remember a lot about infants, but I seem to recall there was very little sleeping involved.
My kids are all freaked out excited that we get to borrow a baby for the weekend, and I have to admit that I'm a little happy about it, too. I kinda like babies, and I haven't had one for a long time...like, long enough that I am not allowed to claim "baby weight" anymore.
I am a little nervous, because my house is pretty chaotic already, but when my kids were little, things were more calm. I am hoping that the baby brings enough calm for us all to share. Babies come with their own calm, right? And I hope she can clean a living room, because Madilynn has that chore this week, and girl is laaaazyyyy. She wouldn't pick something up off the floor if it was diamonds dipped in chocolate. She will, however, kick things under the couch.
Anyway, back to the weekend...I'ma party. With my old friends (these are The Gate friends, yo). Then, I'm going to sleeeeep. As long as I want. Then I am getting coffee at my favorite place for which my mother in law gave me a $50 gift card and that's a lot of coffee. Then I get the baby and my own kids for Saturday night. Then, I'm off Monday, but my kids got their day off taken away because of snow days, which means I get to be one of those people who stays home while their kids are at school for one afternoon. Also, it means that Monday will hardly exist this week, which pretty much makes it a perfect week.
What? Random blathering, you say? Yes, but would you rather I write some more poems? Pshhh.
Good night!
Feb 16, 2011
Ode 2
My house may be drafty and messy and old,
And the squirrels in the attic have gotten quite bold.
One leak in the roof when it rains really hard,
And the dog may have dug up some holes in the yard.
The garden grows mud and the roses are dead,
And half of our stuff is boxed up in the shed.
There's a puddle of mud at the end of the drive,
And just under the rafters is where the wasps thrive.
The kitchen is country and not quite my style,
The bathroom desperately needs some new tile.
The blinds are all torn from the kids looking out,
And the bathtub could really use a new spout.
The windows need caulked and the siding replaced,
And the kids' bedroom walls have all been defaced.
But one thing I've learned is it's all relative,
Last year at this time, I had no place to live.
I stayed with my family and they were so kind,
But I wanted a place that I could call mine.
To have my own kitchen with all my own dishes,
The decor all done to my exact wishes.
My own comfy bed and six little ones, too,
Places for their clothes and their coats and their shoes.
I love the front porch and the old wooden floors,
I live in the country, no need to lock doors.
I love our big yard and the okie red dirt road,
I even learned to fix toilets when they all overflowed!
This last year was tough but I loved every minute,
Our house is the best house to all who live in it.
PS: I DO lock my doors, so don't come get me...and someone please piss me off and save me from corny poems! I need some material...fast!
And the squirrels in the attic have gotten quite bold.
One leak in the roof when it rains really hard,
And the dog may have dug up some holes in the yard.
The garden grows mud and the roses are dead,
And half of our stuff is boxed up in the shed.
There's a puddle of mud at the end of the drive,
And just under the rafters is where the wasps thrive.
The kitchen is country and not quite my style,
The bathroom desperately needs some new tile.
The blinds are all torn from the kids looking out,
And the bathtub could really use a new spout.
The windows need caulked and the siding replaced,
And the kids' bedroom walls have all been defaced.
But one thing I've learned is it's all relative,
Last year at this time, I had no place to live.
I stayed with my family and they were so kind,
But I wanted a place that I could call mine.
To have my own kitchen with all my own dishes,
The decor all done to my exact wishes.
My own comfy bed and six little ones, too,
Places for their clothes and their coats and their shoes.
I love the front porch and the old wooden floors,
I live in the country, no need to lock doors.
I love our big yard and the okie red dirt road,
I even learned to fix toilets when they all overflowed!
This last year was tough but I loved every minute,
Our house is the best house to all who live in it.
PS: I DO lock my doors, so don't come get me...and someone please piss me off and save me from corny poems! I need some material...fast!
Feb 15, 2011
Ode
For fifteen years we've stayed the course,
You've seen high school breakups and one divorce.
You've been through the wringer a few million times,
And been my companion as I wrote silly rhymes.
We've been fishing and camping and worked on our truck,
And when I had a test, you were there for good luck.
You were there the first time that I saw those two lines,
And when they showed up the other five times.
You rocked every baby and never complained,
And you were my comfort when I had a migraine.
You have spent many nights curled up in my bed,
And I hope to be buried with you when I'm dead.
You were there for every gained and lost pound,
And when I asked if my butt looked big, you didn't make a sound.
You're falling apart now, and covered in dirt,
But I'll always love you, my favorite T-shirt.
You've seen high school breakups and one divorce.
You've been through the wringer a few million times,
And been my companion as I wrote silly rhymes.
We've been fishing and camping and worked on our truck,
And when I had a test, you were there for good luck.
You were there the first time that I saw those two lines,
And when they showed up the other five times.
You rocked every baby and never complained,
And you were my comfort when I had a migraine.
You have spent many nights curled up in my bed,
And I hope to be buried with you when I'm dead.
You were there for every gained and lost pound,
And when I asked if my butt looked big, you didn't make a sound.
You're falling apart now, and covered in dirt,
But I'll always love you, my favorite T-shirt.
Feb 14, 2011
In Honor of St. Valentine's Day
It is NOT sucky to be single on Valentine's Day. I got a call today that was dripping with pity for me, because I don't have a Valentine.
Here's the thing...
I haven't met many people who know what to do with this day. There is all this stress over what you are supposed to get the person, and both people are saying they don't really want anything, and both people are upset when they get nothing, and you can't get into a restaurant to save your life....It's exhausting.
So I haven't ever really done much to celebrate this day. There was a time a couple years ago that I got to spend the whole evening listening to my husband snore, because he felt it would be more romantic if he slept on the couch while I watched TV, rather than going to bed right after work. So that was something.
This year was great. Donovan and my mom gave me chocolate. I had a burger. I went to Walmart OMGalone. Best. Valentine's Day. Ever.
Sometimes, it's hard to be single, but I save those days for when I have to carry all the groceries in by myself or if I really want to take a nap and nobody can watch the kids. Valentine's Day? Nah.
Weddings...those I understand, because you need someone to gossip with afterward. But there isn't much V-Day gossip except what's already all over Facebook. And you don't need to come home to gossip about Facebook, that's the beauty of it, you just splat whatever you want on someone's status and you're done. No gossip needed.
So, to my single friends (who are few), I'm not even talking to you today, because I don't feel sorry for you at all. Unless you had to put my kids to bed after...then I feel bad for you, and also apologize. That is a sad situation.
Here's the thing...
I haven't met many people who know what to do with this day. There is all this stress over what you are supposed to get the person, and both people are saying they don't really want anything, and both people are upset when they get nothing, and you can't get into a restaurant to save your life....It's exhausting.
So I haven't ever really done much to celebrate this day. There was a time a couple years ago that I got to spend the whole evening listening to my husband snore, because he felt it would be more romantic if he slept on the couch while I watched TV, rather than going to bed right after work. So that was something.
This year was great. Donovan and my mom gave me chocolate. I had a burger. I went to Walmart OMGalone. Best. Valentine's Day. Ever.
Sometimes, it's hard to be single, but I save those days for when I have to carry all the groceries in by myself or if I really want to take a nap and nobody can watch the kids. Valentine's Day? Nah.
Weddings...those I understand, because you need someone to gossip with afterward. But there isn't much V-Day gossip except what's already all over Facebook. And you don't need to come home to gossip about Facebook, that's the beauty of it, you just splat whatever you want on someone's status and you're done. No gossip needed.
So, to my single friends (who are few), I'm not even talking to you today, because I don't feel sorry for you at all. Unless you had to put my kids to bed after...then I feel bad for you, and also apologize. That is a sad situation.
Feb 13, 2011
Donovan at Church
So...today at church went like this...
Donovan: :::acts like a terror just like every week::: :::tries to bite my hand:::
Me: Don't you dare. I will bite you back, son.
Donovan: NOOOOOOOO Mommy! Don't bite me! Mooooommmmyyyyy......
Me: :::holds his mouth closed and runs outside::: (I didn't even do it!)
Guy Behind Me: :::wonders how I can abuse my child so badly but can't tell exactly what I did:::
Me: Donovan, you can't act like that. That was very bad.
Donovan: Ohhhhhh
I took him back inside. We sit down. He runs away.
I catch him.
Donovan: No...Mama!!! I have to poooooooop!!!!
Guy Behind Me: :::rolls his eyes::: (this poor guy always ends up next to us, and is always completely unimpressed with how cute my kids are and seems to think I should find a better place to put them during mass)
Me: Donovan, don't say poop at mass.
Donovan: :::whispering::: but I have to poop.
Ten minutes later, Donovan is making all kinds of noise and pulling his sisters' hair.
I put my jacket on him backwards with his arms trapped in it, button it behind him and pull the hoodie over his face.
Guy Behind Me is wondering what in the world I am doing to this kid. Other guy behind me (who has a kid) is smirking. Everyone else just thinks I have a large, weird-shaped jacket.
Donovan: :::from behind the hood::: I don't want this onnnnn
Me: Will you be quiet?
Hood of my Jacket: seems to be nodding
So I take off the hood. After a few minutes, I let him out of the jacket. He quickly pulled a page out of a hymnal, yelled that he had to poop, and dropped the kneeler on Madilynn's foot before booking it to the back door.
And so it goes...
Donovan: :::acts like a terror just like every week::: :::tries to bite my hand:::
Me: Don't you dare. I will bite you back, son.
Donovan: NOOOOOOOO Mommy! Don't bite me! Mooooommmmyyyyy......
Me: :::holds his mouth closed and runs outside::: (I didn't even do it!)
Guy Behind Me: :::wonders how I can abuse my child so badly but can't tell exactly what I did:::
Me: Donovan, you can't act like that. That was very bad.
Donovan: Ohhhhhh
I took him back inside. We sit down. He runs away.
I catch him.
Donovan: No...Mama!!! I have to poooooooop!!!!
Guy Behind Me: :::rolls his eyes::: (this poor guy always ends up next to us, and is always completely unimpressed with how cute my kids are and seems to think I should find a better place to put them during mass)
Me: Donovan, don't say poop at mass.
Donovan: :::whispering::: but I have to poop.
Ten minutes later, Donovan is making all kinds of noise and pulling his sisters' hair.
I put my jacket on him backwards with his arms trapped in it, button it behind him and pull the hoodie over his face.
Guy Behind Me is wondering what in the world I am doing to this kid. Other guy behind me (who has a kid) is smirking. Everyone else just thinks I have a large, weird-shaped jacket.
Donovan: :::from behind the hood::: I don't want this onnnnn
Me: Will you be quiet?
Hood of my Jacket: seems to be nodding
So I take off the hood. After a few minutes, I let him out of the jacket. He quickly pulled a page out of a hymnal, yelled that he had to poop, and dropped the kneeler on Madilynn's foot before booking it to the back door.
And so it goes...
Feb 12, 2011
To Mardi Gras or Not To Mardi Gras?
We are trying to figure out if we can go to Louisiana for Mardi Gras this year.
Last year was so much fun. This year, I have a bigger truck, and my kids are one year older and easier to keep an eye on; but we also have school that week and if Ninja Truck breaks, we are in deep trouble.
Last year, we spent twelve hours driving. I had my friend Q with me, so that made it easier. This year, Q doesn't live here anymore, and I will be all aloooone.
Last year, we were following one of my sisters who was driving my mom's car. I was on the phone with her figuring out dinner plans. This is our conversation:
Sis: Oooooooooooooooo
Me: What?
Sis: :::sounds terrified::: Oooooooooooo
Me: Are you ok?
Sis: ....peanut
Me: Peanut? Is James in the car? (My nephew is allergic to peanuts, but wasn't in that car...that was the only reason I could think of to be scared of a peanut)
Sis: I found a .... PEANUT. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Me: What's wrong???
Sis: :::heavy breathing::: PEANUT
Me: :::starts laughing uncontrollably because what else could I do?:::
Sis: oooooooooooooo
My friend Q: :::cracking up just because I am::::
Sis: Oh, ok, so where do you want to eat?
Me: Wait...what's up with the peanut?
Sis: Oh, I'm scared of driving on bridges.
Me: And the peanut?
Sis: I was singing that song....you know..."found a peanut, found a peanut"...
So really, could this year top last year? Probably not.
Last year was so much fun. This year, I have a bigger truck, and my kids are one year older and easier to keep an eye on; but we also have school that week and if Ninja Truck breaks, we are in deep trouble.
Last year, we spent twelve hours driving. I had my friend Q with me, so that made it easier. This year, Q doesn't live here anymore, and I will be all aloooone.
Last year, we were following one of my sisters who was driving my mom's car. I was on the phone with her figuring out dinner plans. This is our conversation:
Sis: Oooooooooooooooo
Me: What?
Sis: :::sounds terrified::: Oooooooooooo
Me: Are you ok?
Sis: ....peanut
Me: Peanut? Is James in the car? (My nephew is allergic to peanuts, but wasn't in that car...that was the only reason I could think of to be scared of a peanut)
Sis: I found a .... PEANUT. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Me: What's wrong???
Sis: :::heavy breathing::: PEANUT
Me: :::starts laughing uncontrollably because what else could I do?:::
Sis: oooooooooooooo
My friend Q: :::cracking up just because I am::::
Sis: Oh, ok, so where do you want to eat?
Me: Wait...what's up with the peanut?
Sis: Oh, I'm scared of driving on bridges.
Me: And the peanut?
Sis: I was singing that song....you know..."found a peanut, found a peanut"...
So really, could this year top last year? Probably not.
Feb 10, 2011
For Kids: The Step-by-Step Guide to Cleaning Your Room
Step One: Mom says "go clean your room", ignore that until it turns into "GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM", or she invokes the middle name usage, whichever comes first.
Step Two: Gather all siblings who share the room with you, and jump on the bed.
Step Three: Go tell mom it's done.
Step Four: Mom says you're not coming out until it's really done.
Step Five: Get angry at the sibling who shares your room. It's all their stuff, and if you had the room to yourself, it would never be messy.
Step Six: Throw the things that belong to aforementioned sibling at their head.
Step Seven: Go tell Mom your sibling's head is bleeding.
Step Eight: Convince sibling that they can't clean the room since their head hurts. And that they need you to take care of them.
Step Nine: Pick up two things off the floor and put them somewhere else.
Step Ten: Find a toy you haven't seen in awhile and play with that for four hours.
Step Eleven: Go tell Mom you're hungry. Cry when she says you can't eat until your room is clean. If this doesn't work, get angry at the roommate again.
Step Twelve: Put everything in the room under the bed or in your closet.
Step Thirteen: Go tell Mom you're done.
Step Fourteen: Scream in agony as she pulls everything back out from under the bed and in the closet.
Step Fifteen: Finally clean the room.
Step Sixteen: Go tell Mom you're done.
Step Seventeen: Tell Mom you have no idea how all those torn up bits of paper get all over your room every day.
Step Eighteen: Fall asleep in your laundry hamper.
Step Nineteen: Put on your Cinderella dress since mom made you clean stuff.
Step Twenty: Stay up until three in the morning because of your laundry hamper nap.
Step Two: Gather all siblings who share the room with you, and jump on the bed.
Step Three: Go tell mom it's done.
Step Four: Mom says you're not coming out until it's really done.
Step Five: Get angry at the sibling who shares your room. It's all their stuff, and if you had the room to yourself, it would never be messy.
Step Six: Throw the things that belong to aforementioned sibling at their head.
Step Seven: Go tell Mom your sibling's head is bleeding.
Step Eight: Convince sibling that they can't clean the room since their head hurts. And that they need you to take care of them.
Step Nine: Pick up two things off the floor and put them somewhere else.
Step Ten: Find a toy you haven't seen in awhile and play with that for four hours.
Step Eleven: Go tell Mom you're hungry. Cry when she says you can't eat until your room is clean. If this doesn't work, get angry at the roommate again.
Step Twelve: Put everything in the room under the bed or in your closet.
Step Thirteen: Go tell Mom you're done.
Step Fourteen: Scream in agony as she pulls everything back out from under the bed and in the closet.
Step Fifteen: Finally clean the room.
Step Sixteen: Go tell Mom you're done.
Step Seventeen: Tell Mom you have no idea how all those torn up bits of paper get all over your room every day.
Step Eighteen: Fall asleep in your laundry hamper.
Step Nineteen: Put on your Cinderella dress since mom made you clean stuff.
Step Twenty: Stay up until three in the morning because of your laundry hamper nap.
Feb 9, 2011
Too Mad for the Interwebz
Dear Interwebz,
I know I am very blessed. I have six sweet children, a huge awesome family, Ninja Truck, amazing friends, and possibly even a job that I like.
But today, I am bitchy.
My kids haven't seen their dad since 2010, they NEVER SLEEP, it's still winter, and I already finished the book I got to keep me occupied this week.
Gr.
So I'm not writing tonight, but not because I don't love you, because I do love you, Interwebz...I'm just not in love with you right now. It's not you, it's me. Maybe tomorrow?
MannyRee
I know I am very blessed. I have six sweet children, a huge awesome family, Ninja Truck, amazing friends, and possibly even a job that I like.
But today, I am bitchy.
My kids haven't seen their dad since 2010, they NEVER SLEEP, it's still winter, and I already finished the book I got to keep me occupied this week.
Gr.
So I'm not writing tonight, but not because I don't love you, because I do love you, Interwebz...I'm just not in love with you right now. It's not you, it's me. Maybe tomorrow?
MannyRee
Feb 8, 2011
Orange Cones Rule the World
Today was Get Ready For Blizzardage, Round Two. Half of North America was at my Walmart, so we went to Target. The other half was at Target, so I don't know who all the people were blocking all the streets and buying all the firewood. I remember the millennium, and it wasn't as bad as OMGIt'sGonnaSnowTWICE day.
I started the new job today, and it's a little sad, because I think I would really enjoy it, but I am so overwhelmed by what it took out of my family to get there.
This morning, Madi had to dress up like she was 100 years old for school. So we got up super early, we dressed Madi like a weirdo, and then the rest of us wore normal stuff. Then we left. Then we were thirty minutes behind. I don't know how, other than that's just how we roll.
My mom watched the girls, and Donovan's daycare agreed to take him early. I dropped the other boys at school and waited in line for fifteen minutes because all those people who were at Walmart after school were also in line at my kids' school this morning.
I was finally on my way, and I got pulled over. For speeding. Like a kid. Only I checked my speed and I wasn't speeding. There did happen to be two orange cones near the side of the road, which apparently designates a construction zone during for the times when there is no actual construction but they still want people to think things are getting done. So the speed limit was lowered 15mph, and I got my first speeding ticket.
I got lucky, though, because Ninja Truck is legally challenged, and so am I, but I didn't know that. I didn't get a ticket for that, and I didn't even have to cry. All in all, I call it a win.
Officer: I pulled you over for speeding.
Me: I was speeding?
Officer: See that cone? That means construction, little lady.
Me: That cone means "construction"?
Officer: Well, it's orange.
Me: Ohhh...so, orange cone equals construction? As opposed to actual men standing around literally constructing things?
Officer: Yip.
Me: I didn't know.
Officer: Yip.
Me: I thought it was a Christmas tree.
Officer: Construction
Me: I'ma get me some cones to put around my house.
Officer: Driver's license?
Me: Oh sure! Absolutely.
Officer: This is expired.
Me: Wha...?
Officer: Yip. Last week.
Me: Here, lemme see it.... :::draws a cone shape with orange sharpie on the license::: See? I'm working on it.
Officer: Are you a government employee?
Me: No
Officer: Cones don't count for you.
Me: Damn.
Officer: Did you steal this truck?
Me: Only if you ask the Nazi Truck Lady.
Officer: Ma'am, you realize how many tickets I can give you? You are in violation of Regulation No.874: Smartassery in the first degree.
Me: :::pause::: I didn't know that was a thing.
Officer: See that orange cone on this ticket? I'm working on making it a thing.
Me: Damn.
Officer: I'm going to let you off with one ticket for ten over so it won't affect your :::ahem::: insurance (which you'll note I didn't ask you to show me).
Me: Um....thank you?
Officer: But only if you get that license taken care of tomorrow.
Me: Ok, but there's a OMGBlizzard tomorrow.
Officer: Yip.
Me: Ok... :(
Officer: Lates, yo.
I started the new job today, and it's a little sad, because I think I would really enjoy it, but I am so overwhelmed by what it took out of my family to get there.
This morning, Madi had to dress up like she was 100 years old for school. So we got up super early, we dressed Madi like a weirdo, and then the rest of us wore normal stuff. Then we left. Then we were thirty minutes behind. I don't know how, other than that's just how we roll.
My mom watched the girls, and Donovan's daycare agreed to take him early. I dropped the other boys at school and waited in line for fifteen minutes because all those people who were at Walmart after school were also in line at my kids' school this morning.
I was finally on my way, and I got pulled over. For speeding. Like a kid. Only I checked my speed and I wasn't speeding. There did happen to be two orange cones near the side of the road, which apparently designates a construction zone during for the times when there is no actual construction but they still want people to think things are getting done. So the speed limit was lowered 15mph, and I got my first speeding ticket.
I got lucky, though, because Ninja Truck is legally challenged, and so am I, but I didn't know that. I didn't get a ticket for that, and I didn't even have to cry. All in all, I call it a win.
Officer: I pulled you over for speeding.
Me: I was speeding?
Officer: See that cone? That means construction, little lady.
Me: That cone means "construction"?
Officer: Well, it's orange.
Me: Ohhh...so, orange cone equals construction? As opposed to actual men standing around literally constructing things?
Officer: Yip.
Me: I didn't know.
Officer: Yip.
Me: I thought it was a Christmas tree.
Officer: Construction
Me: I'ma get me some cones to put around my house.
Officer: Driver's license?
Me: Oh sure! Absolutely.
Officer: This is expired.
Me: Wha...?
Officer: Yip. Last week.
Me: Here, lemme see it.... :::draws a cone shape with orange sharpie on the license::: See? I'm working on it.
Officer: Are you a government employee?
Me: No
Officer: Cones don't count for you.
Me: Damn.
Officer: Did you steal this truck?
Me: Only if you ask the Nazi Truck Lady.
Officer: Ma'am, you realize how many tickets I can give you? You are in violation of Regulation No.874: Smartassery in the first degree.
Me: :::pause::: I didn't know that was a thing.
Officer: See that orange cone on this ticket? I'm working on making it a thing.
Me: Damn.
Officer: I'm going to let you off with one ticket for ten over so it won't affect your :::ahem::: insurance (which you'll note I didn't ask you to show me).
Me: Um....thank you?
Officer: But only if you get that license taken care of tomorrow.
Me: Ok, but there's a OMGBlizzard tomorrow.
Officer: Yip.
Me: Ok... :(
Officer: Lates, yo.
Feb 7, 2011
100%
Right before the snow day(s), I took a test, but I forgot about it. I had to have a "meeting" with my teacher today...I don't know why, really, only we do that on Mondays. Anyway, she gave me a LOOK and asked if I checked my grade on that test. I was like "uhhhh...." So she pointed at it.
That was scary, because she'll usually just holler across the room what grade I got because she knows I hate stopping what I'm doing. But it was a perfect grade...the first perfect grade I have received.
So I strutted back to my desk all "Oh, yeah, I got a hundred...I am the best...the rest of you suck..." until I thought about what it was at which I was so perfect and I couldn't remember. I got a perfect grade on a test I don't remember taking. I don't even remember what the chapter was about. I remember that it was chapter 19, because I remember writing that a few times, but for the life of me, I don't remember what I did in that chapter.
I know it wasn't payroll or inventory. And I know I took the test in about ten minutes because I wanted to get credit for at least one thing before we got blizzardized. I also slightly remember thinking I didn't care what grade I got, because I was going to screw up my week with stupid Excel anyway. And it wasn't on amortization, because that was awful and I wouldn't have played around with anything as serious as amortization.
So do any of you know what Chapter 19 was about? Because I guess I need to get a job doing that.
That was scary, because she'll usually just holler across the room what grade I got because she knows I hate stopping what I'm doing. But it was a perfect grade...the first perfect grade I have received.
So I strutted back to my desk all "Oh, yeah, I got a hundred...I am the best...the rest of you suck..." until I thought about what it was at which I was so perfect and I couldn't remember. I got a perfect grade on a test I don't remember taking. I don't even remember what the chapter was about. I remember that it was chapter 19, because I remember writing that a few times, but for the life of me, I don't remember what I did in that chapter.
I know it wasn't payroll or inventory. And I know I took the test in about ten minutes because I wanted to get credit for at least one thing before we got blizzardized. I also slightly remember thinking I didn't care what grade I got, because I was going to screw up my week with stupid Excel anyway. And it wasn't on amortization, because that was awful and I wouldn't have played around with anything as serious as amortization.
So do any of you know what Chapter 19 was about? Because I guess I need to get a job doing that.
Feb 6, 2011
Snow Days
After nearly a week cooped up in the house with the kids, I have had so many phone calls and texts sympathizing with my plight and telling me I need to get out of the house. I was shocked, because I loved every minute of it. I have always loved snow days, but this year, I love them even more.
There is not a day of the week when I get to be at home. Every weekday is three hours in the car getting everyone where they need to go for school and nine hours away from the house. Saturdays I drive out to the kids' dad's house to pick them up (this is a three hour trip). Sundays are chaotic, with church and two families to visit. I feel like I don't even live at my house most of the time, and no matter how crazy people think I am for it, I love my house.
Snow days are like this:
Sleep in
Drink coffee and read a book
(Did you hear that? I said read a book.)
Make fire
Sit by fire
Cook stuff that tastes good and isn't nuggets
Clean things I haven't had time to clean since last winter
Watch movies with the kids
Read some more
Talk on the phone
Play on the computer
Sit by the fire some more
Play in the snow
Stay up late
New Flash, Interwebz, this is my dream life. I know I am lazy and anti-social and whatever else you want to call that, but snow days are the only days when the world lets me do exactly what I want to do.
There are definite good things about warm weather and I do miss them, but snow days are specifically tailored to my top priorities in life. Coffee and books. Oh, and the kids. I used to be a mom. Here lately, I am a mom for about five minutes a day. It's nice to hang out with my kids. And it's nice to read three novels in a week. And it's nice to hear the fire crackling and blog about nothing because nothing has happened.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I guess now that the snow is gone, we have to go to school again. The teachers will resume telling me how to raise my kids, the kids will resume acting like the little monsters that school turns them into, I will resume kicking butt at adding things, and we will resume eating nuggets for dinner. But it's all coming back on Wednesday, and we get another vacation at home, and I'm going to be ALL OVER IT after a little trip to Barnes and Noble and the firewood place (or wherever it is you get firewood). And if they try to take summer break away because of all the snow days, we are skipping class, because I heart summer even more than snow days. Also because I get to be lazy.
There is not a day of the week when I get to be at home. Every weekday is three hours in the car getting everyone where they need to go for school and nine hours away from the house. Saturdays I drive out to the kids' dad's house to pick them up (this is a three hour trip). Sundays are chaotic, with church and two families to visit. I feel like I don't even live at my house most of the time, and no matter how crazy people think I am for it, I love my house.
Snow days are like this:
Sleep in
Drink coffee and read a book
(Did you hear that? I said read a book.)
Make fire
Sit by fire
Cook stuff that tastes good and isn't nuggets
Clean things I haven't had time to clean since last winter
Watch movies with the kids
Read some more
Talk on the phone
Play on the computer
Sit by the fire some more
Play in the snow
Stay up late
New Flash, Interwebz, this is my dream life. I know I am lazy and anti-social and whatever else you want to call that, but snow days are the only days when the world lets me do exactly what I want to do.
There are definite good things about warm weather and I do miss them, but snow days are specifically tailored to my top priorities in life. Coffee and books. Oh, and the kids. I used to be a mom. Here lately, I am a mom for about five minutes a day. It's nice to hang out with my kids. And it's nice to read three novels in a week. And it's nice to hear the fire crackling and blog about nothing because nothing has happened.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I guess now that the snow is gone, we have to go to school again. The teachers will resume telling me how to raise my kids, the kids will resume acting like the little monsters that school turns them into, I will resume kicking butt at adding things, and we will resume eating nuggets for dinner. But it's all coming back on Wednesday, and we get another vacation at home, and I'm going to be ALL OVER IT after a little trip to Barnes and Noble and the firewood place (or wherever it is you get firewood). And if they try to take summer break away because of all the snow days, we are skipping class, because I heart summer even more than snow days. Also because I get to be lazy.
Feb 5, 2011
Chats with Shucks
Shucks: What the...???
Me: It's just snow...go potty then you can come back in.
Shucks: It coldses my feet!
Me: Just go so I can shut the door.
Shucks: I don't have to go.
Me: :::shuts the door:::
Shucks: Wait. I do have to go.
Me: :::opens the door::: Go.
Shucks: But it's cold.
Me: GO.
Shucks: :::takes one step outside and slips off the porch::: GAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Me: :::slams the door and sits by the fire:::
Shucks: :::buries himself in a snow drift, flings snow everywhere, barks at it::: OK! Ize all done...lemme in lemme in lemme in!!!!
Me: Hurry, it's cold.
Shucks: :::standing in the doorway::: But WAIT! If I stand right here, I can play in the snow and still be warm! AHA!
Me: :::kicks him back outside and shuts the door:::
Shucks: NOOOoooo! Lemme in!
me: In or out, dude, it's 20 below out there, and you're not paying to heat this place.
Shucks: In! I think in...yes, I believe I want to go in...no OUT! That's it, I would like to go out, please. Out it is....except out is cold, so IN...please let me in. But the snow is fun, so out, but it's cold, so in....AW....what do I do????
Me: You stink. You're staying out.
Shucks: Did you feed the kids nuggets? I need to come in.
Me: No.
Shucks: If I don't bark at them all through dinner, they will choke and also eat too much because I won't be there to eat half their dinner.
Me: You stink.
Shucks: Fine. Let me in and I'll stay right here by the window.
Me: Fine.
Shucks: :::pulls the blinds down with his paw so he can see outside.:::
Squirrel: :::hops across the yard:::
Shucks: :::SUPER DEATH BARK:::: ::::tries to jump out the window:::
Me: I don't care about the pupsicle thing, you're going outside.
Shucks::: Hurry, that squirrel is going DOWN.
Me: It's just snow...go potty then you can come back in.
Shucks: It coldses my feet!
Me: Just go so I can shut the door.
Shucks: I don't have to go.
Me: :::shuts the door:::
Shucks: Wait. I do have to go.
Me: :::opens the door::: Go.
Shucks: But it's cold.
Me: GO.
Shucks: :::takes one step outside and slips off the porch::: GAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Me: :::slams the door and sits by the fire:::
Shucks: :::buries himself in a snow drift, flings snow everywhere, barks at it::: OK! Ize all done...lemme in lemme in lemme in!!!!
Me: Hurry, it's cold.
Shucks: :::standing in the doorway::: But WAIT! If I stand right here, I can play in the snow and still be warm! AHA!
Me: :::kicks him back outside and shuts the door:::
Shucks: NOOOoooo! Lemme in!
me: In or out, dude, it's 20 below out there, and you're not paying to heat this place.
Shucks: In! I think in...yes, I believe I want to go in...no OUT! That's it, I would like to go out, please. Out it is....except out is cold, so IN...please let me in. But the snow is fun, so out, but it's cold, so in....AW....what do I do????
Me: You stink. You're staying out.
Shucks: Did you feed the kids nuggets? I need to come in.
Me: No.
Shucks: If I don't bark at them all through dinner, they will choke and also eat too much because I won't be there to eat half their dinner.
Me: You stink.
Shucks: Fine. Let me in and I'll stay right here by the window.
Me: Fine.
Shucks: :::pulls the blinds down with his paw so he can see outside.:::
Squirrel: :::hops across the yard:::
Shucks: :::SUPER DEATH BARK:::: ::::tries to jump out the window:::
Me: I don't care about the pupsicle thing, you're going outside.
Shucks::: Hurry, that squirrel is going DOWN.
Feb 3, 2011
Drama Queens
Being stuck in the house for the last week has reminded me of what drama queens kids can be, and how easily offended they are by absolutely nothing.
Here are some conversations that happened this week:
Donovan: I want some of dat.
Emma: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's THAT, not DAT!!!! :::smack Donovan upside the head:::
Dalton: :::sings::: I been workin on the rail road, allllll the ling long day...
Huston: DALTON! You're doing it wrong.
Dalton: That's just how I sing it.
Huston: Well it's wrong.
Dalton: You're wrong.
Huston: I can't be wrong.
Dalton: JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO READ DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT!
Huston: Yes it does.
Dalton: :::throws Huston's lunch in the trash:::
Huston: I don't need to eat...at least I know how to sing the song.
All Six Kids: :::scream:::
Me: What happened?
Emma: It was a commercial.
Me: A scary one?
Warrick: No, just the show wasn't on for a second.
Me: See this little pile of stuff? I want you all to have that picked up in ten minutes.
Everyone: Ten minutes??? You're so mean! I hate you! That's not even my stuff! I'm moving out.
Needless to say, we are ready to go searching for Ninja Truck tomorrow and see how he drives in the snow.
Here are some conversations that happened this week:
Donovan: I want some of dat.
Emma: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's THAT, not DAT!!!! :::smack Donovan upside the head:::
Dalton: :::sings::: I been workin on the rail road, allllll the ling long day...
Huston: DALTON! You're doing it wrong.
Dalton: That's just how I sing it.
Huston: Well it's wrong.
Dalton: You're wrong.
Huston: I can't be wrong.
Dalton: JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO READ DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT!
Huston: Yes it does.
Dalton: :::throws Huston's lunch in the trash:::
Huston: I don't need to eat...at least I know how to sing the song.
All Six Kids: :::scream:::
Me: What happened?
Emma: It was a commercial.
Me: A scary one?
Warrick: No, just the show wasn't on for a second.
Me: See this little pile of stuff? I want you all to have that picked up in ten minutes.
Everyone: Ten minutes??? You're so mean! I hate you! That's not even my stuff! I'm moving out.
Needless to say, we are ready to go searching for Ninja Truck tomorrow and see how he drives in the snow.
Feb 2, 2011
Who Broke the Interwebz?
So, basically, what happened was it snowed. Apparently, it snowed a LOT, in a LOT of places, only the only place I'm sure about is my particular driveway (and my laundry room) because I can't find Ninja Truck and because I don't watch the news. And I don't really care if that didn't make sense, because IT SNOWED, PEOPLE is my point.
It snowed and the snow broke the Interwebz.
Suddenly, everyone on Facebook is all OMG, SNOW, and all the blogs (including mine own) are all OMG MY SNOW! And we all seemed to forget that it's winter and sometimes snow is something that occurs in the winter and it's just fluffy and white and cold, and as long as we all listen to the news (oops), we won't DIIIIE.
It does seem that the water fairies don't like the snow, so they all flew south for the winter. But the good thing about this is that, if you get some snow in a bucket, and set it by your fireplace for three hours, it will turn into something you can pour into your toilet to make it flush.
Also, if you thaw your pipes, but they are broken, and it's still -1123 degrees, you make a skating rink. Nevermind if it's in your wellhouse or under your floor...fun is fun, right?
And nevermind that I'm an Official Unofficial Plumber now, I am not hogging all that fun to myself, so my besties the plumbers are coming over for skating and pipe repair tomorrow, and to do a snow dance to entice the water fairies back to my house.
I hope the water fairies and the plumbers aren't hungry, because Ninja Truck is either stolen or under that giant drift of snow, and I'm not even going looking for him until at least Friday, which means I am rationing the groceries and can't really share with fairies, which may be why they took off in the first place. Next time, I'm making chili even if my kids don't eat it, because I gosta have those water fairies (do you think they like chili) because seven people in one house means I need some coffee or someone's gonna get hurt. It also means that taking three hours to flush the toilet is asking a little too much of my patience.
I am hoping that the EPIC SNOW OF 2011 or whatever they're calling will go away by the weekend, that the fairies will return, and Ninja Truck will still be running after I flushed the radiator (oh yeah, I FLUSHED THE RADIATOR!!!! Or I watched my brothers do it, or something...but I know my hands were all greasy afterward, so I'm pretty sure I did something with the radiator), and Interwebz will start functioning correctly again. This is my hope for the world, or wherever it is that the SNOW is happening, aside from my laundry room.
It snowed and the snow broke the Interwebz.
Suddenly, everyone on Facebook is all OMG, SNOW, and all the blogs (including mine own) are all OMG MY SNOW! And we all seemed to forget that it's winter and sometimes snow is something that occurs in the winter and it's just fluffy and white and cold, and as long as we all listen to the news (oops), we won't DIIIIE.
It does seem that the water fairies don't like the snow, so they all flew south for the winter. But the good thing about this is that, if you get some snow in a bucket, and set it by your fireplace for three hours, it will turn into something you can pour into your toilet to make it flush.
Also, if you thaw your pipes, but they are broken, and it's still -1123 degrees, you make a skating rink. Nevermind if it's in your wellhouse or under your floor...fun is fun, right?
And nevermind that I'm an Official Unofficial Plumber now, I am not hogging all that fun to myself, so my besties the plumbers are coming over for skating and pipe repair tomorrow, and to do a snow dance to entice the water fairies back to my house.
I hope the water fairies and the plumbers aren't hungry, because Ninja Truck is either stolen or under that giant drift of snow, and I'm not even going looking for him until at least Friday, which means I am rationing the groceries and can't really share with fairies, which may be why they took off in the first place. Next time, I'm making chili even if my kids don't eat it, because I gosta have those water fairies (do you think they like chili) because seven people in one house means I need some coffee or someone's gonna get hurt. It also means that taking three hours to flush the toilet is asking a little too much of my patience.
I am hoping that the EPIC SNOW OF 2011 or whatever they're calling will go away by the weekend, that the fairies will return, and Ninja Truck will still be running after I flushed the radiator (oh yeah, I FLUSHED THE RADIATOR!!!! Or I watched my brothers do it, or something...but I know my hands were all greasy afterward, so I'm pretty sure I did something with the radiator), and Interwebz will start functioning correctly again. This is my hope for the world, or wherever it is that the SNOW is happening, aside from my laundry room.
Feb 1, 2011
It's Cold, yo
There's lots of snow, it's really cold, and the wind is blowing which equals a blizzard. Also? There's a blizzard in my laundry room. I woke up to this:
And now it's 12 hours later and the snow in my house hasn't even started to melt. BTW, the paper towels got there from the blizzard, too, which is another way you know you're in a blizzard...paper towel invasion. Also BTW, paper towels don't keep a blizzard out of your laundry room and neither do all of the kitchen rugs in your house.
There is a huge doorway between my laundry room and kitchen, so I put a big blanket over it to try to keep the blizzard out of the kitchen. All it did was make a blanket balloon, and the blizzard came in anyway.
I put a blanket over the door and some more over the windows, and all that did was to force the blizzard to come in with more force through smaller areas. So I put two mattresses in front of the doorway to the laundry room, thinking I could sacrifice the laundry room if only the kitchen would remain un-blizzarded.
That didn't work, either.
So I put another blanket between the two mattresses, only it wasn't long enough, so the blizzard was still coming through the original blanket balloon, both mattresses and the new blanket balloon.
I put the trashcan in front of that and we ate in the living room. I was able to cook dinner by keeping the oven hot and baking my hands every time they became unable to hold a spoon.
While I was constructing my blizzard trap, I let the fire go out. I'm not very good at making fire, especially when all the little sticks are buried under three feet of snow, and all the paper in the house is already burned up from the fire I started this morning.
So I sat in front of the tiny little pieces of coals, and said "Please, coals, turn back into fire? Please?" And they did.
Then I had to find even more blankets for the kids' beds, because most of the blankets were part of my trap, and then I thought maybe I could use the blankets to tie the kids to the beds so they would....uh...stay warm, you know? But that didn't work, so now I'm hoping that the cold will slow the kids down enough that I can put them back to bed and they will fall asleep before they thaw.
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