Marriage, Pregnancy, and Cadbury Eggs

For the last six or seven years, life has happened so quickly that I haven't really had time to process it. This has caused me to recall strange but recent memories in the same way I remember random things from my childhood. I will be cooking dinner and have a wave of nostalgia, then remember I already cooked dinner two hours ago and now it's time to put the kids to bed.

Last night was the Easter Vigil, and I'm sure I have written (and many others have written) lots of stories about taking small children to midnight mass. Instead, I'll sum up. Taking small children to church for three hours in the middle of the night and expecting them to be still and quiet is like - well, exactly how it sounds. You may as well just lay in the dirt and TELL your kids to kick your butt.

So late last night, driving home with blessedly sleeping kiddos in the back of the truck, I remembered that my sister and I used to go the week before Easter and buy a Cadbury Egg to have when we got home from midnight mass. It was our favorite candy, and we had always given up candy for lent - the perfect way to break the fast was middle of the night chocolate, filled with straight sugar. Yum.

After I dragged the kids to bed, waited for them to fall asleep, and played Easter Bunny, I sat down and reveled in the memory with a Cadbury Egg. Dee-licious.

But it brought back another memory. Twelve Easters ago, I was newly married and pregnant with my first baby. My mom had given me a Cadbury Egg, and I put it away in the freezer to await my late-night Easter tradition. My new husband, claiming starvation, left me to claw my pregnant self out of the car while he ran in the house to make a sandwich. I will never forget the pure hatred I felt when I finally made it into the house and saw him standing with the freezer door open, torn colored foil in one hand, and half a Cadbury Egg in the other.

"What in the HELL do you think you're doing?" Imagine if I'd seen a stranger in there, holding a knife to someone's throat. That is the exact intensity of my question. "You did NOT just eat my Cadbury Egg."

He held the uneaten half toward me. "Want it?"

"Are you KIDDING me? That is disgusting! I will not eat after anyone who is horrid enough to sneak into a pregnant woman's house and eat her Cadbury Egg." And then I started crying.

"I'll get you another one," he offered. Sick, right? I mean, get me another one???

"Just where are you going to go at 2am on Easter morning to find one? NOWHERE, that's where. You ate it, and I HATE YOU."

"What's the big deal? You can get one later. I didn't know..."

"You didn't KNOW? I'm carrying YOUR BABY and you ate. my. egg."

Things continued in this manner for about a week. This was the first of two times I lost my temper during my marriage. I got pretty upset at other times, but there were only two that I can honestly say I lost all control of my behavior. The other one was over tater tots. (You don't eat a pregnant woman's food, is my point.)

A Talk with Myself

Me: :::looks at the messy house::: What do you DO all day?

Myself: Excuse me? I am in school every day.

Me: So? I am working two jobs and getting roughly three hours of sleep per night. I don't think it's a huge expectation for the floor to be mopped once a year.

Myself: What about you? Why don't you ever help out around here?

I: Seriously? Like getting six short people dressed for school, hauling them all over town, waiting in lines for them, emailing teachers, dealing with bullies, brushing hair, feeding everyone, changing poopy pants, washing all the laundry, making the beds,putting everyone to bed, and taking care of the dog and two cats is 'not helping'? School is only three hours a day, what's up with that, Myself?

Myself: Is it only three hours a day? Is it? It adds two hours just for driving, not to mention homework and the utter STRESS that goes into trying to complete all these hours in half the time allotted. If you want me to be finished with school this semester, you're going to have to be more supportive. This should have been a three-year undertaking.

I: Me, you work from home...would it be so hard for you to mop the floor every once in awhile?

Me: Would it be a big deal for you to quit whining? I am going to go get a drink. I can't listen to this anymore.

I: No, I'm getting a drink. Give me the keys. You guys are always going out and leaving me to watch the kids.

Myself: Nobody is going anywhere. Everyone just calm down and get back to work.

I: Let's just all agree that it's a good thing there are three of us. We should all be helping each other and not fighting and threatening to leave all the time. Even "intact" families only have two  adults -- I don't know how they do it!

Me: This is true, I don't know how I'd get through the day if I had to do all the work for Me, Myself, and I. Let's get a sitter this weekend and we can all go relax a little.

Myself: We can't, we have to fix the hole in the wall the kids made and paint over all the crayon. Also, I have to work.

I: Ok, let's just split a couple bottles of wine later.

Me: Awesome.

Myself:  Three. Make it three bottles...one each.