Men and Babies

Ok, not to offend all of you men, but I am sorry, it just has to be said. I am so tired of the playing dumb trick!!! As if we don't catch onto it. As a matter of fact, unbeknown to you men, we women receive a booklet on this trick that is handed down from bride to bride, dating back to the beginning of time. It's called "I Know He's Smart, He Knows He's Smart, So Why Does He Play Dumb?"

There is something about the sight of a baby, a child, a mess, a kitchen, and a few random things (spoons, turkeys, the buttons on the TV -- as opposed to the remote, the handle on the refrigerator door, a washing machine, a hanger...) that turns men into drooling buffoons. They think that we think this is real. But we all know that it is fake. We all know that you guys are just acting like you don't know how so that we will be forced to do it.

I walked in on my dearest the other day "taking care" of the baby, or as he calls it, "really trying". The baby was laying on the couch and my husband was sitting next to him. The baby had his pacifier stuck to his cheek, and he was wailing. My husband had the remote stuck to his hand, and he was watching ESPN. Here is the ensuing conversation...

Me: Did you not hear the baby?
Hubby: Yes, I tried to calm him down, but he just won't.
Me: You tried?
Hubby: Yes, I really tried
Me: What did you do?
Hubby: Everything...I gave him his la (pacifier). I said "Shh". Everything.
Me: Did you pick him up?
Hubby: Yes, but he wouldn't quit, so I set him back down. He just wants to be mad.
Me: Did you stand up with him?
Hubby: (astonished look) Why??????? He just has a bad attitude, so why would I stand up?

Ok, seriously? Everyone in the universe knows that the first thing you do with a crying baby is hold and stand. Everyone. Even my dad, who is the president of the World Association of Pretending Like You Don't Know Stuff, knows this, although he would never admit to it. But somehow, my darling husband, father of six babies, has never even heard of such a thing, and has never thought to even try it, and according to him, the baby was so mean to him that he didn't even deserve to have it tried in the first place!

Playing dumb works on other things, as well. It starts at engagement with wedding planning. You ask him to do one wedding thing, and he says something about how he really wants to, but he just doesn't know...and before you know it, you are so scared that he will ruin the most important day of your life that you don't even talk to him about the wedding until after you have walked down the aisle and you are looking at pictures.

After the wedding, it is a permanent condition. It happens at dinner ("Honey, I don't know how you do it, but I just can't seem to fit these dishes in the dishwasher. If you come do this, I will do flip through the channels until I find a movie for us"). It happens at holidays. ("Sweetheart, you are so good at knowing just the right thing for everyone." ) It happens with your in laws. ("My mom really does like you best, I think you two should talk and make all the plans, and I will just be there.")

And finally, there are babies. Babies take this permanent condition and turn it into something that is degenerative. The first baby, the guys know about 75% of what the women do. Every subsequent baby takes away a big chunk of knowledge. It's weird, because the moms learn more with each child, and the dads forget more. So, this man I married, who could have cared for my oldest son better on his own than I could've, has no ability whatsoever to even place a pacifier in our sixth child's mouth, let alone change a diaper without getting piddled on, feed a toddler without making a clown face, give baths without turning the bathroom floor into a swimming pool, or spend an evening watching the kids for me without them learning at least one naughty word.

So, boys, don't be fooled -- we know that you are just pretending. As if the person who can go to work and keep track of what forty other people are doing is not able to watch a baby who is unable to walk without losing him. Or the man who can take an engine apart and put it back together and have it work better is unable to figure out how to fasten a diaper correctly. We know better. We just let you get away with it because we really are dumb. (Which is why, no, we do not know how to use a plunger or kill wasps!)