Another Actual Letter to Walmart

Don't let your children read this post, because that would completely defy the point and I would be getting angry letters from the internets and I just don't want that.

Dear Walmart,

For years, I have been shopping in your store. It isn't fun, but more of a necessary evil. I faithfully come in and spend hundreds of dollars per week on things my family needs, and occasionally things they want.

Lately, I have considered switching to Target because they have wider aisles and I don't get all stabby trying to find things I need. But I'm a loyal person, so I wouldn't do you that way, Walmart, I wouldn't.

I went back to your store today, and I had to wait in line for a very long time to check out. It was the weekend, I can understand that. I can also understand why you insist on placing candy and crazy-expensive pieces of junk that pass as toys where my children can see and desire them while I wait. Marketing is marketing, right? I get it.

But I have some questions for you, Walmart. Well, in truth, my children have some questions for you. Ok, to be perfectly honest, they had questions for me, but I am passing them along to you to answer, because it seems you were trying to elicit them in the first place.

Here is what they want to know:

What are "positions" and why are they so hot?
Why is that large woman wearing a lace bathing suit and climbing on that surprised looking man?

Can they please have that wildlife book? Ya' know, the one that has "Wild Stories" if you can just get past the boobies on the cover?
What is sex, anyway, Walmart? We want to know.
Why is this a bad time to ask?
What do guys want when the pants hit the floor?
Who is hitting the floor with pants, anyway?
:::read this very loudly Walmart. Seriously, if you think what I'm talking about is not a big deal, stand up in your cubicle and read these questions in the loudest voice possible, because that's how it went down for me::: TELL US, WALMART! WHAT IS WILD SEX??????

And one question from me, Walmart - why are magazines like Good Housekeeping or Hunting up on my eye level, while my kids are reading this:

 Thank you for providing me the opportunity to break my customer loyalty and switch to Target. I do hope you realize that I am famous on the internet (over 20 people know who I am, Walmart. Twenty.)

All my love and affection (which now belongs to Target),
MannyRee