I’m sure this has been written. You’ve all seen the
articles. Have you shied away from them, worried your introverted friends would
know about your curiosity and serially murder you in your sleep, or have you read
them anyway? Did you see yourself in them, or did you secretly believe that
this is just another example of trying to normalize crazy?
Please allow me to explain to you, the extrovert, how to
handle me, the introvert.
The first day you bring your introvert home, please do not
expect a ton of affection. Introverts do not take to new people right away, and
often not at all. Rest assured that when you do see signs that your introvert likes you, this means he likes you
very, very much.
Before introducing your introvert to the public, consider
the following scenario: You have just arrived at the most happening party of
the year. You have been looking forward to it for months, carefully chosen what
you will wear, and have your chosen social target in your sites. Then, without
warning, somebody makes you go home. And sit in mud.
This, you see, is what the same feeling your introvert has
when he is dragged around to various events. He looks forward to his time
alone. He cherishes it. He plans it. He knows exactly what he will do with each
precious moment of it. Then he is rudely ripped away from it into a swirl of
chatter and chaos. It is a sad day for your introvert.
”But you’re wrong,” you protest. “My introvert loves people.”
Let me tell you something, we all love
people. We just don’t like them all at once. Or all the time. Or as a
surprise. Or on a boat or on a train. Well, maybe on a train. But only if we
knew ahead of time we would be on the train, and also that people would be on
it, and also that we would have to talk to them.
Seriously, folks. We like you. That’s not a lie. We care
about you to the point that it is exhausting. And here’s where I explain the
science, so put on your learning hat, yo. Extroverts feed off of the energy of others. They are
energized by a room full of people, by conversation and stories, and by
closeness. Introverts are everything that is the complete opposite of that.
Introverts are drained by that kind of energy. We absorb
everything around us. So if someone is sitting in a corner feeling sad, and
someone is happily chatting to us about something, and someone else is
immensely enjoying the punch, we are feeling all of that. All at the same time. Added to that is the processing
of every sight and sound and smell. And added to all of that is that we care
about it. Deeply. Perhaps too deeply.
So your introvert is going to be very worn out after dealing
with “public.”
Your introvert does not want to be alone because he is
depressed. He needs to be alone to
recharge. In this way, he will be ready to come back later and care some more.
He likes you, and he likes your friends. He is happy for the happy person and
sad for the sad person. But he has had a busy evening of feeding his energy to
the extroverts and he needs a chance to replenish it.
I used to have a person in my life who was quite extroverted. This
person believed that the only cure for anything that ailed me (or my children) was for us to all leave our house and Go Somewhere. Also, Do Something. And it
usually involved crowds and chatter and all sorts of over-stimulation. This
person also hated my house, and did not understand that I would actually marry my house if it meant I could spend
more time there.
On the other hand, I do enjoy spending time with my family – and we are a large
group of people. I still need time to recharge later, but I like that. It’s
worth it. I enjoy it immensely. So rather than use up my carefully stored calm on a restaurant full of all kinds of feels, I chose to use most of it on my family.
I host a Christmas party every year, and cram
about 20 of my favorite people around my kitchen table until all hours of the night. I love
it. Every second of it. And then I stay awake for two hours after they have
gone, putting all the information I have cared about and absorbed into its
proper place in my brain. So basically, too much public could result in serious
– even fatal - sleep-deprivation. If you care about your introvert, you will
respect his need for space. But in moderation, public is awesome.
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| Please pardon this puppy's awful spelling. Him's too cute to have to spellz. |
A word on depression – depression is characterized by a lack
of interest in activities one previously enjoyed. So yes, if you know someone
who previously was all “ZOMG! All the PEOPLE! Bring them all to me and let me
NOM THEM UP!" And then that person gets all “I kinda want to stay home. Forever.”
Then you maybe should worry.
If, however, your person has been known to like quiet
corners and people-watching and smoking angrily on cigarettes while plotting
who-knows-what, and then still likes those things, your person is not
depressed. That person is very very happy – unless you make them go to the
people. (The people who, again, they like very much. I mean it.)
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| When I have strangers working on my house, I do not eat lest I accidentally see them. |
If your introvert happens to escape, do not worry. He will
come home. If your introvert is lost in a crowd, such as at a fair or a concert
or something, it is not the time to freak out. Your introvert is already
freaking out enough for both of you. But he would still enjoy a cotton candy or
something, and would even like to talk about the event at some future (and
quieter) point.
I have a son who tends to be this way. He likes
staying home or, if forced out, he will find one person to engage at a time. What
most tells me he is likely an introvert, though, is how touched he is by
anything that goes on with other people. He stays up nights worrying if someone
is sick, and he is the first of my children to cry if something sad happens,
and he cannot bear to watch the news, and his entire face lights up with joy
for good news. So you see, I am not lying. We like you an awful bunch of lots.
