Official Rules of Social Networking: Part One

Now that I am an expert on all things social media, I have decided to take the time to answer all of the pressing questions I never receive on its use.

You are always so busy - why would you take the time to answer our unasked questions?
You're right. I am really busy. But it throws off my entire focus when I see you making huge mistakes, Internet. Mistakes that could cost you your reputation, your career, even your entire future. Possibly your life. But the life-losing mistakes aren't funny, so we won't discuss those here.

What is the number one social networking mistake?
Angry posts, my friend, angry posts. I guess it's evolution, but there is a new chemical, called psychopostaragenum, that is released in the brain during moments of extreme rage. It causes humans to go straight to their favorite online public forum and say everything they think. The problem here is that humans have never been known for their clear-thinking during moments such as these. Other effects of psychopostaragenum are typing in all caps, atrocious acts of violence against grammar and spelling, and passive-aggressive use of the "like" button.

How do we combat the effects of psychopostaragenum?
It is very difficult for most people to have any control over this. Keep a note on your computer monitor that has this mantra printed on it: Don't whine on Facebook. Don't yell on Twitter. Everyone hates that and I sound like a total jerk. It doesn't matter if I'm right if I look like a moron. Repeat this line over and over to yourself when you begin to feel angry. It probably won't work, but *I* feel better now that you've been called the proper names.

When is it ok to sneakily photograph a stranger for the purpose of laughing over that person with your friends?
I'm so glad this question got asked, Internet. So. Glad. It is always ok to do this - you will not go to jail for it. You will, however, show all of your friends that you are indeed made out of dog-farts. Think about what this says to the general public. You may as well post a status that says "I am so insecure that I am still teasing others to feel better about myself. Not only did I not learn in kindergarten that bullying is wrong, but I feel the need to make it public so that you may all see the exact extent of my dog-fartness."   So go ahead. Do that. Just remember that future employers, your parents and grandparents, your love interest, and possibly even your clergy are watching you, and you've just begged for a karma-kick.

At what point is it acceptable to complain about my job?
At the exact moment that you wish to be unemployed.

Hashtags: Yes or No?
No. Just stop this. Hashtags only work on Twitter. You may use one - two under extreme duress. A funny hashtag on another site is acceptable only if it passes the hilarity test (three likes in three seconds). If it does not, remove that thing. Right now.

Social networking rules are so thorough and changing all the time. Is there anything we ARE allowed to say?
No.

Now shhhh.....

Jail Time

So all three of me have been very lazy about writing these days, mostly because I write for work now. I am trying, though, Interwebz, I really am. Please keep me famous until I get back!

I have a job opportunity to make some normal-people money, but I'm not sure I want to take it because I'm pretty sure there would be a boss involved. It's not that I don't like bosses, it's more the whole people-telling-me-what-to-do that bothers me. But oh well, I guess to make normal-people money, you have to have a normal-people boss. (I also hate business attire and offices and anything that requires me to drive on pavement.)

We shall see.

Things are going much better with the kids' teachers, although we had a little bullying issue that made me go all HULKSMASH on the ten year olds. I am trying to clean up my language on this blog, but let me tell you something: I may be the parent fighting with the teachers, ignoring the PTA, skipping field trips and parties, and NOT caring how many SmartBoards are available to my children, but at least my kid isn't an A-hole.

It's a good thing I couldn't find that little snot, 'cause mama be goin to jail if you start picking on her kids.Can someone tell me what would happen if I skip smashing the fifth grader and just go straight to smashing his parents? That's not as much jail time, is it? Maybe some community service? And does community service involve having a boss?

If all else fails, I'ma teach my kids this move.