Official Rules of Social Networking: Part2

photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

You know what I could write about, Internetz? Well, I could write about all the drama. But I'm not going to today. Know why? Because it's against The Rules. And I always follow the rules while I'm making them up.

The long-anticipated (hush, you know you were anticipating) "Part 2".

I am angry at (insert name), he/she doesn't read my blog, and I'd like to write a tell-all post about them so my followers will write me nice, supportive comments about what a wonderful person I am. Is that allowed?
No, Internetz. Please stop typing while angry. I beg of you, this has to end. Think of the object of your rage, and imagine reading your post to them in a room full of their friends and also the rest of the world. If you wouldn't do that, don't write it. You may think they don't read your blog, and perhaps they don't. But never rule out Kevin Bacon. Sometime, somewhere, somebody will read that post and know who you've scorned. Links are easy to share. The person you've roasted in your blog WILL eventually read it. If you think I'm lying, call the last person you complained about on the Internet. Was that call uncomfortable? They know.


I'd like to tell My Personal Story on my blog. Is that all right?
Of course you can tell your story. That's what blogs are, a one-sided spotlight on YOU and how WONDERFUL you are! (Not this one, though - THIS blog is saving the world.) Just remember the above rule. If you want to lash out at someone in the midst of your personal story, they will see it.

Is it all right to post to all of my social networking accounts at once?
Convenient as this may seem, you really should never do this. Especially if you are on LinkedIn. I have a LinkedIn connection who constantly updates on the #BestCheeseburger and #whateverhe'sdoinginthebathroom. Twitter may care about this. Facebook doesn't. And I'm sure future employers on LinkedIn are running the other direction. (Don't worry, guys, he doesn't read my blog.)

Does Facebook care about my privacy?
No. Nobody in the world but you cares about your privacy. You know those pesky Terms of Use nobody ever reads? Anything you put on a social network is public. Here's what I can see about people I don't know on Facebook:

• where they live
• where they work
• who they're "in a relationship" with and every listed family member
• all friends
• photos
• every group they belong to, who added them (or if they requested to join), and how long they've been a member
• the address to their (gasp!) blog 

I don't say this to frighten you. If you have nothing to hide, you're just fine. If you think you have a little secret on Facebook, you're wrong.

This is all I have left, the rest is common sense. (Grammar, though - for real.) (Also spelling.)

Official Rules of Social Networking: Part One

Now that I am an expert on all things social media, I have decided to take the time to answer all of the pressing questions I never receive on its use.

You are always so busy - why would you take the time to answer our unasked questions?
You're right. I am really busy. But it throws off my entire focus when I see you making huge mistakes, Internet. Mistakes that could cost you your reputation, your career, even your entire future. Possibly your life. But the life-losing mistakes aren't funny, so we won't discuss those here.

What is the number one social networking mistake?
Angry posts, my friend, angry posts. I guess it's evolution, but there is a new chemical, called psychopostaragenum, that is released in the brain during moments of extreme rage. It causes humans to go straight to their favorite online public forum and say everything they think. The problem here is that humans have never been known for their clear-thinking during moments such as these. Other effects of psychopostaragenum are typing in all caps, atrocious acts of violence against grammar and spelling, and passive-aggressive use of the "like" button.

How do we combat the effects of psychopostaragenum?
It is very difficult for most people to have any control over this. Keep a note on your computer monitor that has this mantra printed on it: Don't whine on Facebook. Don't yell on Twitter. Everyone hates that and I sound like a total jerk. It doesn't matter if I'm right if I look like a moron. Repeat this line over and over to yourself when you begin to feel angry. It probably won't work, but *I* feel better now that you've been called the proper names.

When is it ok to sneakily photograph a stranger for the purpose of laughing over that person with your friends?
I'm so glad this question got asked, Internet. So. Glad. It is always ok to do this - you will not go to jail for it. You will, however, show all of your friends that you are indeed made out of dog-farts. Think about what this says to the general public. You may as well post a status that says "I am so insecure that I am still teasing others to feel better about myself. Not only did I not learn in kindergarten that bullying is wrong, but I feel the need to make it public so that you may all see the exact extent of my dog-fartness."   So go ahead. Do that. Just remember that future employers, your parents and grandparents, your love interest, and possibly even your clergy are watching you, and you've just begged for a karma-kick.

At what point is it acceptable to complain about my job?
At the exact moment that you wish to be unemployed.

Hashtags: Yes or No?
No. Just stop this. Hashtags only work on Twitter. You may use one - two under extreme duress. A funny hashtag on another site is acceptable only if it passes the hilarity test (three likes in three seconds). If it does not, remove that thing. Right now.

Social networking rules are so thorough and changing all the time. Is there anything we ARE allowed to say?
No.

Now shhhh.....

Jail Time

So all three of me have been very lazy about writing these days, mostly because I write for work now. I am trying, though, Interwebz, I really am. Please keep me famous until I get back!

I have a job opportunity to make some normal-people money, but I'm not sure I want to take it because I'm pretty sure there would be a boss involved. It's not that I don't like bosses, it's more the whole people-telling-me-what-to-do that bothers me. But oh well, I guess to make normal-people money, you have to have a normal-people boss. (I also hate business attire and offices and anything that requires me to drive on pavement.)

We shall see.

Things are going much better with the kids' teachers, although we had a little bullying issue that made me go all HULKSMASH on the ten year olds. I am trying to clean up my language on this blog, but let me tell you something: I may be the parent fighting with the teachers, ignoring the PTA, skipping field trips and parties, and NOT caring how many SmartBoards are available to my children, but at least my kid isn't an A-hole.

It's a good thing I couldn't find that little snot, 'cause mama be goin to jail if you start picking on her kids.Can someone tell me what would happen if I skip smashing the fifth grader and just go straight to smashing his parents? That's not as much jail time, is it? Maybe some community service? And does community service involve having a boss?

If all else fails, I'ma teach my kids this move.

100%

Right before the snow day(s), I took a test, but I forgot about it. I had to have a "meeting" with my teacher today...I don't know why, really, only we do that on Mondays. Anyway, she gave me a LOOK and asked if I checked my grade on that test. I was like "uhhhh...." So she pointed at it.

That was scary, because she'll usually just holler across the room what grade I got because she knows I hate stopping what I'm doing. But it was a perfect grade...the first perfect grade I have received.

So I strutted back to my desk all "Oh, yeah, I got a hundred...I am the best...the rest of you suck..." until I thought about what it was at which I was so perfect and I couldn't remember. I got a perfect grade on a test I don't remember taking. I don't even remember what the chapter was about. I remember that it was chapter 19, because I remember writing that a few times, but for the life of me, I don't remember what I did in that chapter.

I know it wasn't payroll or inventory. And I know I took the test in about ten minutes because I wanted to get credit for at least one thing before we got blizzardized. I also slightly remember thinking I didn't care what grade I got, because I was going to screw up my week with stupid Excel anyway. And it wasn't on amortization, because that was awful and I wouldn't have played around with anything as serious as amortization.

So do any of you know what Chapter 19 was about? Because I guess I need to get a job doing that.

New Job

I have so many things to complain about today, but none of them are Interwebz friendly, so BOO THAT.
Instead, you get the job post, even though I haven't been paid, and this is the proof of my love for you.


I got a job...it's the perfect kind of job, because it's writing and it's contract, so I am basically employed for about five hours and then I'm done. This is great because I hate being bossed, so after a few hours, I can just quit and it's no big deal at all.

Ok, so I also used the term "writing" a little loosely, because it's re-writing a script for a sales company...I'm really trying to do a good job here, so I hope I can get some feedback here. Let me know what you think I should change.

Hello,

Wait, don't hang up on me! AUGH! Ass.

(Call back)

Hello,

This is (unpronouncable name) from Our Company.

...

No, sir, I didn't call you an ass. There must have been a problem with the phone.



We are holding a flea class in your town to help people with their credit.



...

Free? Sir, I think I said exactly what you think I said. Who would hold a flea class? So I must have said free. Moving right along...we asked over five people and found that 95% of the population has inaccurate information on their credit report, and we can show you how to get that removed.

...

Well, sir, 95% is a lot, so I'm pretty sure that you fit in there, as well. Are you Bill Gates? I thought not, so what I'm trying to say is that you and your family are doomed if you don't let me finish a sentence.


The class is (date), or if you would like us to help you, we can set up an appointment and get started right away.


Which of these would work better for you?
1. If they say the class, take down their information. The class isn't actually real, so if we can get their address, we can stalk them at home until they pay us to go away.



2. If they say they want to get started with our program


• Let me tell you a few things you can change on your credit report with our program:


o We will dispute any inaccurate information on your credit report. No, you cannot write these emails yourself. It's against the law. You must have a trained professional or the IRS will send snipers to your house.
o We work on building the credit you already have. We do this by saying "Keep paying your bills."
o And we work on building new credit, enabling you to get better interest rates, or even purchase a home. We do this by also saying "Keep paying your bills."


• Similar companies just want your money, but not us!


o It is only $100 to get started, and we add an extra zero to the end of that and call our original bid a typo when you're writing your check.
o From there we will work on a payment plan depending on what you can budget and afford. Unless you can't afford us.
o (If, and ONLY if, they ask about specific costs, tell them that the best way we have found to help our customers is by not charging huge upfront fees. We charge $100 to get started, and the usual fee after that is $100 per month. If they continue to ask questions, warn them again about the snipers and tell them you have the IRS on speed dial.)


Thank you for your time. Again, my name is ... and feel free to give us a call at ####### with any questions. (Remember to never give them the entire number...we aren't paying anyone to answer the phones right now.)

Job Interview Advice

1. Go with your gut on what to wear. Never go with mine, because it will tell you that ripped jeans and a giant sweater are awesome, and my gut lies.

2. If the person doing the interview is younger than you, it means that you are officially old. Don't let this get you down. Just remember how dumb you were at that age, and that should lend you enough confidence to get through it. Unless you are still dumb, and then it's best just to try not to talk a lot.

3. Do some research beforehand so you can use Big Words for the Weird Stuff You Know How to Do. I have a ton of experience in lots of things, but when I wrote them all out, they weren't too impressive. Here is a list of real-life skills, transformed into interview-speak:

• Getting out of bed = Scheduling maintenance and enforcement
• Making coffee = Percolation master
• Drinking coffee = Caffeine installer
• Blogging = Typation master, Forum diplomat, Wisdom expeller
• Changing diapers = Shit scooper (trust me, this'll get you any job)
• Getting dressed = Stylist

These are just a few, but you can take any skill and turn it into something professional sounding if you just put "ation" at the end of it (Put on shoesation, Limboation...etc), or if you add the word "specialist" (Texting specialist, sleep specialist...) These are sure-fire.

4. Back in the day, people learned how to meet people. For instance, how to shake hands and look someone in the eye. How to speak clearly and be positive. These things are a lost art, yo. If the person interviewing you is younger, you may scare them off with your fierce handshake and direct eye contact. Try patting them on the head instead. Or just stand awkwardly beside them for a few minutes until they get used to your presence, like you would a strange dog. Or merely ask for their cell number and text them from the next chair.

5. When the interview is over, a handshake depends on how the first one went. If you tried to shake their hand and they looked at you like you were asking for money, perhaps it's best not to try again. If the first handshake went as planned, by all means go for a second one. And try the eye contact thing again. It helps people remember you. Especially if you're super-scary. They'll be like "I don't know why, but that dude with the creepy eye-stare is haunting me...I'll just hire that one because he's the only one I can picture right now, and I already slipped him his first week's pay because of that weird begging thing he did with his hands when he walked in."

If these methods don't get you the job....well, I'm not really that shocked. I never said anything about good advice.

Never Splat on Someone You Don't Know

It seems that some people don't get that Facebook isn't real life. I guess it's your real friends, or at least mostly people you've met before. And I get that there are some real topics being discussed(aside from "OMG! I woke up!" "OMG I brushed my teeth"...because, really, that's what Twitter is for). I find Facebook to be a continuous source of stuff at which to laugh.

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine posted something that one of his friends didn't understand. Then another friend chimed in and called this person a "Barbie" for not getting it. So the first girl responds with what was meant to be a scathing put-down, and ended up being proof that she was smart enough to know she was being insulted, but not one iota smarter than that.

As badly as I want to post her entire comment here, because I laughed harder and longer at it than any of you have ever laughed at this blog, I won't, because I don't know her and maybe she's a really nice person and I shouldn't be mean to her. Instead, I had to give her some cred for coming up with my new favorite verb: splat.

Her exact phrase was "...how can you splat that out to someone you don't know?" Right? C'mon people, if you're going to be splatting out your thoughts and opinions, you really should try not to get it on strangers. It's offensive at best, at worst, they could get some sort of disease and DIIIE, and then you get a free ticket to jail on a Manslaughter by Opinion charge. Is this what you want, Interwebz????

So, some rules:

1. Don't splat things out until the splatter makes sense.
2. Don't splat anything on your friends without their permission.
3. Clean up any splat that may have been left behind.
4. Forensic units can tell a lot from your splatter pattern, so be very careful that you don't splat near any murdered people.
5. NEVER EVER splat anything on people you don't know.

Whoops, I Pissed Off The Corps

Today I was leaving hell the grocery store, and I saw a little black Mustang with my brother in law in it.  I was all "HAI!  What're you doin???  DUSTIN!  OMG!  When did you get rid of your truck?  And get home from California?  And where is my sister and why didn't I know y'all were here?  And....Oh." 'Cause it wasn't Dustin.  It just looked like him, and I almost killed the poor guy trying to wreck him so I could go all "where's my sister" on him.  And he looked at me like I was nuts. Which I was.  I had just taken all the kids shopping, and they were not willing participants, so nuts may be an understatement.

So then, I remembered a promise to blog about Dustin last night.  Oops. The thing is, Dustin is so controversial, I couldn't do it last night or there would have been a big ol' fight on my page, and Dustin would want to come home and get all Badass American Marine Watch Your Back on everyone, or more likely on me, and so I had to keep it on the DL, yo.

Which makes me wonder, what if he's all mad at me for not blogging about him last night?  Maybe he thought he'd be famous by this morning and he had a limo rented and everything, and then he had to pay for the limo even though he didn't have anywhere to take it because he wasn't famous yet, and doesn't even live in Hollywood, but in some deserty part of California...poor Dustin.  So I think I may have a pissed of Marine on my hands, and that is never good.  I am not sure how my sister lives with the stress.

However, because I am blogging about Dustin tonight, he'll surely be famous by tomorrow because an entire 95% of the world reads this blog.  Or probably my decimal is off a little and it's more like .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000095%. Something close to that, anyway. 

So happy birthday, Dustin!  Or Merry Christmas!  Or Whatever Comes Next That I Should Get You A Present!  You'll be famous by tomorrow morning, only one day late, but hey, it's truly the gift that keeps on giving.  I love ya, little bro!