Another Actual Letter to Walmart

Don't let your children read this post, because that would completely defy the point and I would be getting angry letters from the internets and I just don't want that.

Dear Walmart,

For years, I have been shopping in your store. It isn't fun, but more of a necessary evil. I faithfully come in and spend hundreds of dollars per week on things my family needs, and occasionally things they want.

Lately, I have considered switching to Target because they have wider aisles and I don't get all stabby trying to find things I need. But I'm a loyal person, so I wouldn't do you that way, Walmart, I wouldn't.

I went back to your store today, and I had to wait in line for a very long time to check out. It was the weekend, I can understand that. I can also understand why you insist on placing candy and crazy-expensive pieces of junk that pass as toys where my children can see and desire them while I wait. Marketing is marketing, right? I get it.

But I have some questions for you, Walmart. Well, in truth, my children have some questions for you. Ok, to be perfectly honest, they had questions for me, but I am passing them along to you to answer, because it seems you were trying to elicit them in the first place.

Here is what they want to know:

What are "positions" and why are they so hot?
Why is that large woman wearing a lace bathing suit and climbing on that surprised looking man?

Can they please have that wildlife book? Ya' know, the one that has "Wild Stories" if you can just get past the boobies on the cover?
What is sex, anyway, Walmart? We want to know.
Why is this a bad time to ask?
What do guys want when the pants hit the floor?
Who is hitting the floor with pants, anyway?
:::read this very loudly Walmart. Seriously, if you think what I'm talking about is not a big deal, stand up in your cubicle and read these questions in the loudest voice possible, because that's how it went down for me::: TELL US, WALMART! WHAT IS WILD SEX??????

And one question from me, Walmart - why are magazines like Good Housekeeping or Hunting up on my eye level, while my kids are reading this:

 Thank you for providing me the opportunity to break my customer loyalty and switch to Target. I do hope you realize that I am famous on the internet (over 20 people know who I am, Walmart. Twenty.)

All my love and affection (which now belongs to Target),
MannyRee

This is MY Fire, You Guys.

I was driving home from taking the kids to school this morning, and in front of me I saw this:

Well, not exactly this, but something similar. You know, your classic truck with a fire in the back kind of thing. This is more of a bad photo-edit version of what I saw.

So I did what anyone would do in my situation. I posted this photo so that we may have a caption contest. The winner gets my undying admiration. Yay, Winner!

This has already been an ongoing text conversation all day, so I'll get you started. But I expect your captions. Post them on the Facebook page if you want people to see them, or you can post them below and I will see them.

"Yeah. No big deal. Just drivin' around with my fire. I just need to take my fire to a different place. There isn't fire at this other place."

"See y'all later. Me and mah fire are hittin' the road."

"Yeah guys, y'all suck and this party sucks! I'm leaving...and I'm takin the fire with me! C'mon fire, we're gonna go find a better party!" (Twon)

"Some kids have a security blanket, I have my fire. Shutup."

I know my readers are funneh - so you better show up me and my brother in the comments.

Oh, and nobody was hurt in the making of this blog, the driving of this fire, or the posting of these captions.

Official Rules of Social Networking: Part One

Now that I am an expert on all things social media, I have decided to take the time to answer all of the pressing questions I never receive on its use.

You are always so busy - why would you take the time to answer our unasked questions?
You're right. I am really busy. But it throws off my entire focus when I see you making huge mistakes, Internet. Mistakes that could cost you your reputation, your career, even your entire future. Possibly your life. But the life-losing mistakes aren't funny, so we won't discuss those here.

What is the number one social networking mistake?
Angry posts, my friend, angry posts. I guess it's evolution, but there is a new chemical, called psychopostaragenum, that is released in the brain during moments of extreme rage. It causes humans to go straight to their favorite online public forum and say everything they think. The problem here is that humans have never been known for their clear-thinking during moments such as these. Other effects of psychopostaragenum are typing in all caps, atrocious acts of violence against grammar and spelling, and passive-aggressive use of the "like" button.

How do we combat the effects of psychopostaragenum?
It is very difficult for most people to have any control over this. Keep a note on your computer monitor that has this mantra printed on it: Don't whine on Facebook. Don't yell on Twitter. Everyone hates that and I sound like a total jerk. It doesn't matter if I'm right if I look like a moron. Repeat this line over and over to yourself when you begin to feel angry. It probably won't work, but *I* feel better now that you've been called the proper names.

When is it ok to sneakily photograph a stranger for the purpose of laughing over that person with your friends?
I'm so glad this question got asked, Internet. So. Glad. It is always ok to do this - you will not go to jail for it. You will, however, show all of your friends that you are indeed made out of dog-farts. Think about what this says to the general public. You may as well post a status that says "I am so insecure that I am still teasing others to feel better about myself. Not only did I not learn in kindergarten that bullying is wrong, but I feel the need to make it public so that you may all see the exact extent of my dog-fartness."   So go ahead. Do that. Just remember that future employers, your parents and grandparents, your love interest, and possibly even your clergy are watching you, and you've just begged for a karma-kick.

At what point is it acceptable to complain about my job?
At the exact moment that you wish to be unemployed.

Hashtags: Yes or No?
No. Just stop this. Hashtags only work on Twitter. You may use one - two under extreme duress. A funny hashtag on another site is acceptable only if it passes the hilarity test (three likes in three seconds). If it does not, remove that thing. Right now.

Social networking rules are so thorough and changing all the time. Is there anything we ARE allowed to say?
No.

Now shhhh.....