When it's 110 degrees outside and your air conditioner doesn't work, you shouldn't try to get groceries. I dropped the kid off at bible school this afternoon and went to the store planning to have enough groceries in the house until their next visit with their dad. I bought twelve different kinds of fruit, twenty gallons of things to drink, and some ice cream. Nothing else. I think fruit will work for breakfast and lunch, but I'm not sure how many nights I can get away with ice cream for dinner. I'm not going back, though, because I'll just stock up on lemonade, which was gone before I even got home to unload the groceries.
We stopped to put gas in Ninja Truck tonight and Donovan's window was rolled down and he was yelling at everyone in the parking lot. "HEEEYYY! WHAS YO NAME?????" This guy walking out beside me was cracking up and Donovan was telling me to move the truck so he could see better. It was attracting quite a bit of attention, to the embarrassment of his older siblings.
As we pulled out, Madilynn was lecturing him on talking to strangers. She said, "I didn't tell him not to talk to the guy for two reasons. One was because mommy was right there, and also because I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Donovan had an inexplicably adverse reaction to her statement.
Donovan: I don't have FEELINGS!!!! I'll talk a BUNCH! YOU STOP IT, MADILYNN! AAAAHHH!!!!!" :::spits on Madilynn:::
He earned a couple swats or a grounding for that, but I couldn't do anything because I was laughing so hard. Don't tell him he has feelings. That boy will talk a bunch...whenever he WANTS. Dammit, yo! Why do people gotta mess with him anyway?
BTW, Ninja Truck is grounded for using enough gas for Donovan to make forty friends in a parking lot while we fill the truck up halfway.
Showing posts with label having kids is dangerous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label having kids is dangerous. Show all posts
Jul 11, 2011
Jan 18, 2011
UFO's and Laura Ingalls Wilder
Once upon a time, I decided to get all organized, because our lack of on-timeness and homework-doneness and matching-clothingness was clearly due to my inability Do Enough Things.
I thought "Why can't we be on time? All we have to do is get All The Things done the night before, then just throw on clothes and leave! How hard can that be?"
So I drove to the kids' school planning how we would come home and get all the homework done first. Then, the kids could do their chores while I cooked dinner. And after that, we would read books on the couch while each child took their turn getting a bath. Then I would tuck them all into bed and they would sleep, and I would go to bed early and sleep, and we would wake up early and The Things would be done....and it would be blissful and timely and we would live happily ever after.
I got to school and picked up five normal kids, and one child who had convinced the school staff that he was dying. They had him laying on a cot in the "Health Room" (which, by the way, is a weird name for the room where they stash the sickies...I think it should be the "Puke Closet" or the "Fever Cabin", but they didn't ask me.) I asked if he had a fever. They said no. I rolled my eyes, because I knew he was faking. They judged me for not being sympathetic. He crept out moaning and limping and they gave me The Look that said "See? He's Super Sick". As soon as we got to the car, he drop kicked my six year old and beat the nine year old to a pulp for the front seat, all without a trace of that limp.
I made him a doctor's appointment, which means waking up even earlier tomorrow to get everyone there before school. But that was ok, because of my Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function. (PS: He doesn't want to go to the doctor....apparently, he's not quite that sick.)
I got to the daycare to pick up Donovan. He had marker on his face. He looked like a geisha. Also ok, because of bathtime in the Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function.
I dropped off my niece. It took twenty minutes, mostly because her leg got stuck in her backpack, and then Emma got all tangled in the seat belt and their hair was tangled together, but my niece finally somersaulted out, only getting a little of Emma's hair in the process. And what's twenty minutes to the Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function? Nothing at all! HA!
I so got this.
So we come home, and everyone starts on their homework. Its 5:00, we're right on schedule. I start a fire in the wood stove because it was getting really cold. I make Easy Food for dinner. We sit down to eat....it's 9:00.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I honestly don't know. But the same thing happened the other day when I was meeting Tracy for coffee and I got in my truck at 2:30, then by the time I turned the key, it was 3:00. I'm either a heavy drinker or there is some alien abduction going on. Or maybe something to do with the kids...
So, Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function, where did you go? It's an hour past the kids' bedtime and there is no homework done, no chores done, no baths taken or books read. Basically, it took us four hours to be warm and obtain nourishment. Like Little House on the Prairie, only not really because it's 2011 and we pretty much ate chips for dinner.
And this is why I can't fix the problem....Aliens.
I thought "Why can't we be on time? All we have to do is get All The Things done the night before, then just throw on clothes and leave! How hard can that be?"
So I drove to the kids' school planning how we would come home and get all the homework done first. Then, the kids could do their chores while I cooked dinner. And after that, we would read books on the couch while each child took their turn getting a bath. Then I would tuck them all into bed and they would sleep, and I would go to bed early and sleep, and we would wake up early and The Things would be done....and it would be blissful and timely and we would live happily ever after.
I got to school and picked up five normal kids, and one child who had convinced the school staff that he was dying. They had him laying on a cot in the "Health Room" (which, by the way, is a weird name for the room where they stash the sickies...I think it should be the "Puke Closet" or the "Fever Cabin", but they didn't ask me.) I asked if he had a fever. They said no. I rolled my eyes, because I knew he was faking. They judged me for not being sympathetic. He crept out moaning and limping and they gave me The Look that said "See? He's Super Sick". As soon as we got to the car, he drop kicked my six year old and beat the nine year old to a pulp for the front seat, all without a trace of that limp.
I made him a doctor's appointment, which means waking up even earlier tomorrow to get everyone there before school. But that was ok, because of my Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function. (PS: He doesn't want to go to the doctor....apparently, he's not quite that sick.)
I got to the daycare to pick up Donovan. He had marker on his face. He looked like a geisha. Also ok, because of bathtime in the Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function.
I dropped off my niece. It took twenty minutes, mostly because her leg got stuck in her backpack, and then Emma got all tangled in the seat belt and their hair was tangled together, but my niece finally somersaulted out, only getting a little of Emma's hair in the process. And what's twenty minutes to the Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function? Nothing at all! HA!
I so got this.
So we come home, and everyone starts on their homework. Its 5:00, we're right on schedule. I start a fire in the wood stove because it was getting really cold. I make Easy Food for dinner. We sit down to eat....it's 9:00.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I honestly don't know. But the same thing happened the other day when I was meeting Tracy for coffee and I got in my truck at 2:30, then by the time I turned the key, it was 3:00. I'm either a heavy drinker or there is some alien abduction going on. Or maybe something to do with the kids...
So, Awesome Plan of Timeliness and Function, where did you go? It's an hour past the kids' bedtime and there is no homework done, no chores done, no baths taken or books read. Basically, it took us four hours to be warm and obtain nourishment. Like Little House on the Prairie, only not really because it's 2011 and we pretty much ate chips for dinner.
And this is why I can't fix the problem....Aliens.
Dec 19, 2010
I'm Beggin Ya
Dear Interwebz,
Please come get my children to sleep. I can't handle anymore.
I tell them to go to bed, and they just don't. I mean, they just don't. They act like I never said anything at all.
So I tell them louder, and also with some herding in the proper direction until everyone is in their room. But they don't lay down.
I tell them to lay down, so they do. And I tuck them in and turn off the lights and go sit down for the first damn time all day, but only for a second because then the parade starts. First it's "I need a drink" followed naturally by "I need to go potty". After that comes "Can I sleep on the couch? Or in your bed? Or anywhere but my own bed, please?"
For dramatic effect, when everyone starts getting super tired, they trot out their major emotional issues. It's usually the last one or two left awake and I've been trying for three hours to get them to sleep, and they will have been quiet for about ten minutes. I think the night is finally coming to an end until I hear footsteps and sniffles. A small being launches itself into my lap and cries "MOOOMMMMMMYYYYY!!!! Everybody hates meeeeeeee!" Or sometimes it's "I had a bad day at school, and I'm never going back again!" Or "I want my Daaaaaaddyyyyyy...call him call him call him call him call him call him call him call him..." And suddenly I'm crying too and asking "Why, why, why didn't you tell me this at dinner when I asked what was wrong with you?" And they're all "because I was fine at dinner!" And I'm all "Then you're fine now, GO TO BED!" And they get ten steps toward their room, but they turn around and ask some off the wall question like "But, Mommy? Was I adopted?" Or "Is there really a Santa?" And I have to tell them that there is a law that says mommies aren't allowed to answer any questions after midnight, so they will just have to ask me in the morning.
Three hours after I should be in bed, they finally fall asleep and I am too stressed out to sleep and it takes until three in the morning before I can stop the spinning in my head and pass out. And that's a good thing, because by four, at least two of the kids will be back up and trying to sneak into my bed with me, which I admit I have been more lenient about out of sheer sleepiness, but it's not really helping things because they steal the covers and also turn off my alarm clock before I hear it and then go back to sleep which is why we miss the bus every morning and pretty much why I wish the world didn't start until one in the afternoon.
So, please, Interwebz, can you fix my kids?
Please come get my children to sleep. I can't handle anymore.
I tell them to go to bed, and they just don't. I mean, they just don't. They act like I never said anything at all.
So I tell them louder, and also with some herding in the proper direction until everyone is in their room. But they don't lay down.
I tell them to lay down, so they do. And I tuck them in and turn off the lights and go sit down for the first damn time all day, but only for a second because then the parade starts. First it's "I need a drink" followed naturally by "I need to go potty". After that comes "Can I sleep on the couch? Or in your bed? Or anywhere but my own bed, please?"
For dramatic effect, when everyone starts getting super tired, they trot out their major emotional issues. It's usually the last one or two left awake and I've been trying for three hours to get them to sleep, and they will have been quiet for about ten minutes. I think the night is finally coming to an end until I hear footsteps and sniffles. A small being launches itself into my lap and cries "MOOOMMMMMMYYYYY!!!! Everybody hates meeeeeeee!" Or sometimes it's "I had a bad day at school, and I'm never going back again!" Or "I want my Daaaaaaddyyyyyy...call him call him call him call him call him call him call him call him..." And suddenly I'm crying too and asking "Why, why, why didn't you tell me this at dinner when I asked what was wrong with you?" And they're all "because I was fine at dinner!" And I'm all "Then you're fine now, GO TO BED!" And they get ten steps toward their room, but they turn around and ask some off the wall question like "But, Mommy? Was I adopted?" Or "Is there really a Santa?" And I have to tell them that there is a law that says mommies aren't allowed to answer any questions after midnight, so they will just have to ask me in the morning.
Three hours after I should be in bed, they finally fall asleep and I am too stressed out to sleep and it takes until three in the morning before I can stop the spinning in my head and pass out. And that's a good thing, because by four, at least two of the kids will be back up and trying to sneak into my bed with me, which I admit I have been more lenient about out of sheer sleepiness, but it's not really helping things because they steal the covers and also turn off my alarm clock before I hear it and then go back to sleep which is why we miss the bus every morning and pretty much why I wish the world didn't start until one in the afternoon.
So, please, Interwebz, can you fix my kids?
Dec 8, 2010
Another Run In with the Police
Dalton is the easiest kid in the world to raise. He is naturally sweet and giving and he gets along with everyone. He always tries to make everyone happy and I don't really have to do a whole lot with him as far as discipline goes. When he does act up, it's always a shock, but never has he done anything like what he did this afternoon.
We had to run home and change for church right after school this afternoon, so I told the boys to go ahead and switch turns in the front seat, which meant that Dalton had to get in the back so Warrick could sit up front. Dalton didn't want to. So he just didn't get back in the car.
When he saw that I was seriously going to leave without him, he decided to ride with us, but he wanted to get something from the house first. I didn't let him because we were in a hurry, so he thought he should show me what's up by sitting in the floor of the car and not bothering with being in a seat or a seat belt.
I drove down our road, telling him to get into a seat, but he still hadn't by the time we got to the stop, so I pulled over and waited for him to get in his seat. He said he was stuck, so I reached down to help him stand up. At the same moment, Warrick yelled "there's a police officer!" I'm not sure why my kids do this, because they have no reason to fear the cops (as far as I know), but they always announce it. The police cruiser was parked about twenty feet away, and I think he lives down the road he was on, but for some reason, he was just hanging out there.
Dalton immediately grabbed his arm and started screaming "Mommy! You hurt my arm, you hurt my arm!" I didn't hurt his arm, yo. I was trying to help him stand up, but I didn't do it nearly as roughly as I should have at that point. I thought there was something really wrong with him, so I patiently tried to help him up so I could see. There wasn't anything wrong, so I told him to get in the seat and buckle up.
He said no, so I turned around and told him to obey. He started jumping all over the car, screeching "NONONONONONONONOOOOOO!" I got him by the back of the neck and said (very quietly) "Get. In. Your. Seat." He continued to scream about how badly I was hurting him, so I got out of the car to go around by his door. That's when I saw the cruiser sitting there...I had forgotten all about him. It dawned on me what Dalton was doing.
As I opened his door, I yelled "Are you trying to get me in trouble with the POLICE?" Ok, probably not my best moment, but I was in shock. The good news is that I think I scared the policeman, because he suddenly decided he did want to go ahead on down his driveway and quit worrying about me.
But seriously? So I told Dalton to get out of the car and made him stand on the side of the road where the view of the departing cruiser was blocked. I gave him a very loud speech about how I didn't care if the police saw him getting in trouble or not, and that he would be in just as much, if not more, trouble with the cops as he was with me for not wearing his seat belt. Dalton looked at me in complete fear because he was learning an important lesson: Mommy is more badass than the police. Yep. So he put his seat belt on and I never had to tell him that the policeman was gone before I yelled at him, and if he hadn't been, I'm not really sure what I would have done.
We had to run home and change for church right after school this afternoon, so I told the boys to go ahead and switch turns in the front seat, which meant that Dalton had to get in the back so Warrick could sit up front. Dalton didn't want to. So he just didn't get back in the car.
When he saw that I was seriously going to leave without him, he decided to ride with us, but he wanted to get something from the house first. I didn't let him because we were in a hurry, so he thought he should show me what's up by sitting in the floor of the car and not bothering with being in a seat or a seat belt.
I drove down our road, telling him to get into a seat, but he still hadn't by the time we got to the stop, so I pulled over and waited for him to get in his seat. He said he was stuck, so I reached down to help him stand up. At the same moment, Warrick yelled "there's a police officer!" I'm not sure why my kids do this, because they have no reason to fear the cops (as far as I know), but they always announce it. The police cruiser was parked about twenty feet away, and I think he lives down the road he was on, but for some reason, he was just hanging out there.
Dalton immediately grabbed his arm and started screaming "Mommy! You hurt my arm, you hurt my arm!" I didn't hurt his arm, yo. I was trying to help him stand up, but I didn't do it nearly as roughly as I should have at that point. I thought there was something really wrong with him, so I patiently tried to help him up so I could see. There wasn't anything wrong, so I told him to get in the seat and buckle up.
He said no, so I turned around and told him to obey. He started jumping all over the car, screeching "NONONONONONONONOOOOOO!" I got him by the back of the neck and said (very quietly) "Get. In. Your. Seat." He continued to scream about how badly I was hurting him, so I got out of the car to go around by his door. That's when I saw the cruiser sitting there...I had forgotten all about him. It dawned on me what Dalton was doing.
As I opened his door, I yelled "Are you trying to get me in trouble with the POLICE?" Ok, probably not my best moment, but I was in shock. The good news is that I think I scared the policeman, because he suddenly decided he did want to go ahead on down his driveway and quit worrying about me.
But seriously? So I told Dalton to get out of the car and made him stand on the side of the road where the view of the departing cruiser was blocked. I gave him a very loud speech about how I didn't care if the police saw him getting in trouble or not, and that he would be in just as much, if not more, trouble with the cops as he was with me for not wearing his seat belt. Dalton looked at me in complete fear because he was learning an important lesson: Mommy is more badass than the police. Yep. So he put his seat belt on and I never had to tell him that the policeman was gone before I yelled at him, and if he hadn't been, I'm not really sure what I would have done.
Confession
On the phone with my cousin this evening, there was some serious discussion about how many moms tell the real story about their day.
I have nothing to write about this evening, mostly because it's past my bedtime and I am sleepy, yo. So it's confession time...help me convince my cousin that there is no such thing as a perfect mommy, and that we all make mistakes, sometimes even on purpose.
My confessions: (and you all have to come out of hiding and leave your own stories in the comment box)
Just yesterday, I skipped reading any "Monday folders" and didn't even make my kids do their homework because I'm tired of their school taking up all my time. Also, I was mad at my kids and I needed to clean...furiously. So I cleaned their playroom and didn't sign papers and I feel great about it. I think I'm starting Christmas break from homework folders before we start our actual break. I am digging this tradition a little bit.
Once, when only my oldest was in school, I got so busy with the three at home that I completely forgot to pick him up in the afternoon. When the school called, I'm all "OMG! Where is their dad??? He should have been there by now!"
A few Sundays ago, I took a nap. I have no idea what my kids did. I don't want to know.
Last year, I forgot Emma's birthday until the morning of. I had to plan a party in three hours.
This year, I argued with Madilynn for thirty minutes because she thought she was turning six and I thought she was turning five. She was right.
I get excited when the kids have to take medicine that makes them sleepy, and I won't let them take it during the day -- only at night and I sit on the couch and giggle as they fall asleep without my intervention.
I bribe my kids for everything. I had to admit this today when a lady sought me out to ask what my trick was for getting them to behave at the store...she started in on how important consistency is and how I must be very strict...I had to tell her the truth. I let them pick out candy on the way out of the store. I am, however, pretty consistent on this.
Ok, your turn, Interwebz...what's your mommy confession?
I have nothing to write about this evening, mostly because it's past my bedtime and I am sleepy, yo. So it's confession time...help me convince my cousin that there is no such thing as a perfect mommy, and that we all make mistakes, sometimes even on purpose.
My confessions: (and you all have to come out of hiding and leave your own stories in the comment box)
Just yesterday, I skipped reading any "Monday folders" and didn't even make my kids do their homework because I'm tired of their school taking up all my time. Also, I was mad at my kids and I needed to clean...furiously. So I cleaned their playroom and didn't sign papers and I feel great about it. I think I'm starting Christmas break from homework folders before we start our actual break. I am digging this tradition a little bit.
Once, when only my oldest was in school, I got so busy with the three at home that I completely forgot to pick him up in the afternoon. When the school called, I'm all "OMG! Where is their dad??? He should have been there by now!"
A few Sundays ago, I took a nap. I have no idea what my kids did. I don't want to know.
Last year, I forgot Emma's birthday until the morning of. I had to plan a party in three hours.
This year, I argued with Madilynn for thirty minutes because she thought she was turning six and I thought she was turning five. She was right.
I get excited when the kids have to take medicine that makes them sleepy, and I won't let them take it during the day -- only at night and I sit on the couch and giggle as they fall asleep without my intervention.
I bribe my kids for everything. I had to admit this today when a lady sought me out to ask what my trick was for getting them to behave at the store...she started in on how important consistency is and how I must be very strict...I had to tell her the truth. I let them pick out candy on the way out of the store. I am, however, pretty consistent on this.
Ok, your turn, Interwebz...what's your mommy confession?
Nov 23, 2010
Bad Behavior
Today was Madilynn's kindergarten Thanksgiving program, which, if I could write it as cute as it was, I would be quite famous by now. The teacher let them all have a few seconds at the beginning to wave at their families in hopes that they wouldn't do it through the entire show. It worked, which makes me wonder if I should let Emma and Donovan go ahead and try to kill each other for five minutes before we get in the car each time, and maybe I won't want to drive off a cliff, which, luckily, is hard to do on the prairie.
I was hoping that Ninja Truck would solve this problem, what with all the seats and stuff, but apparently not.
Or maybe if I let the kids color on the walls and steal food and throw things at their siblings after dinner, they won't be inclined to do so until midnight every night.
On a completely unrelated note, sort of, my kids had Thanksgiving with my in-laws on Saturday. I was to drop them off and pick them up, which was fine with me, because I really needed a break. But when I got back to pick them up, I got questioned by my brother in law on what sort of table manners I was teaching my children. It seems that, right in the middle of dinner, my two girls and their cousin, who is right in between their ages, took off their shoes and started licking each other's feet.
Ok, here's the thing...I realize that my brother in law was probably kidding. But there have been so many times that I have picked my kids up to hear things like...
"Well, I hope you don't mind, but I told the kids that we don't talk about poop at the table...you're probably used to it, but I'm not..."
"I told them that the rules at my house are different and it's not ok to throw food when they're at my house..."
"I had to have a talk with them about not pouring their drinks on each other...I know you have your own set of rules, but I don't like messes."
Wow.
Because you see, my children never act that way at my house. And our rules, especially at the dinner table, are very strict. I don't like the implication that my children are using horrendous manners because I am teaching them that way...has it occurred to anyone that perhaps they are testing the boundaries when I am not around? I guess not....
Don't get me wrong, my children behave in a manner that drives me up the wall at least fifty percent of the time, but never at dinner! And never because I have encouraged them to act that way. Why would I ever send them over to my exes or his family's house with instructions to be on their worst behavior and show everyone else what I'm dealing with on a day to day basis? Would it benefit me at all to have them go over there and ruin dinner or a carpet or something? Would I get any pleasure out of knowing that nobody else can handle for one day what I deal with 24/7????
No, Interwebz, the answer is no. Stop shaking your head at me. Stop it.
I was hoping that Ninja Truck would solve this problem, what with all the seats and stuff, but apparently not.
Or maybe if I let the kids color on the walls and steal food and throw things at their siblings after dinner, they won't be inclined to do so until midnight every night.
On a completely unrelated note, sort of, my kids had Thanksgiving with my in-laws on Saturday. I was to drop them off and pick them up, which was fine with me, because I really needed a break. But when I got back to pick them up, I got questioned by my brother in law on what sort of table manners I was teaching my children. It seems that, right in the middle of dinner, my two girls and their cousin, who is right in between their ages, took off their shoes and started licking each other's feet.
Ok, here's the thing...I realize that my brother in law was probably kidding. But there have been so many times that I have picked my kids up to hear things like...
"Well, I hope you don't mind, but I told the kids that we don't talk about poop at the table...you're probably used to it, but I'm not..."
"I told them that the rules at my house are different and it's not ok to throw food when they're at my house..."
"I had to have a talk with them about not pouring their drinks on each other...I know you have your own set of rules, but I don't like messes."
Wow.
Because you see, my children never act that way at my house. And our rules, especially at the dinner table, are very strict. I don't like the implication that my children are using horrendous manners because I am teaching them that way...has it occurred to anyone that perhaps they are testing the boundaries when I am not around? I guess not....
Don't get me wrong, my children behave in a manner that drives me up the wall at least fifty percent of the time, but never at dinner! And never because I have encouraged them to act that way. Why would I ever send them over to my exes or his family's house with instructions to be on their worst behavior and show everyone else what I'm dealing with on a day to day basis? Would it benefit me at all to have them go over there and ruin dinner or a carpet or something? Would I get any pleasure out of knowing that nobody else can handle for one day what I deal with 24/7????
No, Interwebz, the answer is no. Stop shaking your head at me. Stop it.
Nov 4, 2010
Today
I shouldn't write today. I just need to button up and move on. But then, what would the Interwebz do at bedtime? Probably something less Awesome than reading about my day, so I kind of owe it to Interwebz, right?
So, my dearest Webbie (can I call you Webbie? No? Not there yet, huh?)...Interwebz...
Today just sucked.
It should have been great, as the ex was awesome and took the kids earlier and earlier and then my mother in law took them even earlier so that I could do the eight million things that I needed to do between this morning and Sunday.
I had parent/teacher conferences. That was nice. Luckily I am that special parent who gets to hear only nice things about her kids, and it just so happens that each of my kids is "a joy to have in class" and "super-smart"...etc. I always feel bad for all the rest of the parents that my kids are hogging up all the compliments. I'm sure teachers wouldn't just say those things to anyone, right? Right.
Then, I let the ex use the car to cart the kids around, only he blew it up.
It probably wasn't his fault. Okay, it wasn't his fault at all. But still. It didn't blow up when I was driving...just sayin.
So I took him some water, while he sat on the side of the road with the kids for at least an hour. The water got it started, and now it sounds like Chitty-chitty-bang-bang, which, awesome, unless you let off the gas and then it DIIIIIIIES. So that's sorta' sucky if you need to stop ever. So now my momvan is on the highway all alooooone. And I'm at home all alooooone....
And while we waited on the grandparents to arrive to haul the kids, we had a couple hours just sitting there with the kids. Dalton was awesome with that situation, being the Kid Who Can't Stop Talking. He managed to make it sound like the only thing we ever discuss in our house is how awful his dad is and the proper terminology for...uh...body parts. It was quite possibly the most awkward conversation I have ever been a part of, so THANKS, DALTON! Gotta' love that kid...he's a walking example of the fact that if you say enough words, you're eventually going to say something that someone will regret. He didn't seem too bothered by it, though. I have a feeling I may be getting some phone calls from his dad later.
So that's my day, Interwebz. Enjoy
So, my dearest Webbie (can I call you Webbie? No? Not there yet, huh?)...Interwebz...
Today just sucked.
It should have been great, as the ex was awesome and took the kids earlier and earlier and then my mother in law took them even earlier so that I could do the eight million things that I needed to do between this morning and Sunday.
I had parent/teacher conferences. That was nice. Luckily I am that special parent who gets to hear only nice things about her kids, and it just so happens that each of my kids is "a joy to have in class" and "super-smart"...etc. I always feel bad for all the rest of the parents that my kids are hogging up all the compliments. I'm sure teachers wouldn't just say those things to anyone, right? Right.
Then, I let the ex use the car to cart the kids around, only he blew it up.
It probably wasn't his fault. Okay, it wasn't his fault at all. But still. It didn't blow up when I was driving...just sayin.
So I took him some water, while he sat on the side of the road with the kids for at least an hour. The water got it started, and now it sounds like Chitty-chitty-bang-bang, which, awesome, unless you let off the gas and then it DIIIIIIIES. So that's sorta' sucky if you need to stop ever. So now my momvan is on the highway all alooooone. And I'm at home all alooooone....
And while we waited on the grandparents to arrive to haul the kids, we had a couple hours just sitting there with the kids. Dalton was awesome with that situation, being the Kid Who Can't Stop Talking. He managed to make it sound like the only thing we ever discuss in our house is how awful his dad is and the proper terminology for...uh...body parts. It was quite possibly the most awkward conversation I have ever been a part of, so THANKS, DALTON! Gotta' love that kid...he's a walking example of the fact that if you say enough words, you're eventually going to say something that someone will regret. He didn't seem too bothered by it, though. I have a feeling I may be getting some phone calls from his dad later.
So that's my day, Interwebz. Enjoy
Oct 27, 2010
Smartasticness at WalMart
At the store:
Me: Guys, I need you all to behave so I can concentrate on shopping and not forget anything.
Huston: You didn't make a list?
Me: No, I didn't, but thank you so much for the judgement.
Warrick: (quietly to Huston) What's judgement?
Huston: Mommy was being sarcastic, because that's how she rolls.
Warrick: What's sarcastic?
Later, still at the store...
Donovan: I han dis hooooovieeeeee (I want this movie)
Me: No, we already got one.
Donovan: :::screams like Emma:::
Me: Aww...good, this'll be fun to listen to.
Very Tall Man Behind the Movies: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Glad my kids are all grown! Whenever I hear a kid screaming like that now, I just laaaaugh. And when the grand kids do it, I send 'em home! HAHAHAHA
Me: Oops! Scuse me, mister, I didn't mean to ram your ankles with my cart! :::innocent face::: Kids! Let go of the cart, you just ran into that poor laughing gentleman! :::runs away and hopes the kids follow:::
An hour later, still at the store...
Donovan: :::screaming again:::
Me: What happened to him now?
Huston: I pinched him because he was going to pinch me.
Me: Really? So you're fighting with a three year old? And...you turn how old on Friday? Nine?
Dalton: Don't worry, Huston, Mommy's just be smartastic again.
Me: No, I am always smartastic. I was not, however, being sarcastic...I was serious.
Warrick: Yeah, Huston, she was making the Death Face.
Me: Death Face?
Warrick: Yeah, the one you make where you get real quiet and your eyes pop out and it says "You're going to pay"....my teacher has one, too, only hers says "I'm the teacher, you're the student, so SIT DOWN." Yours is way scarier.
Me: Mine is scarier? Mine doesn't even yell.
Warrick: It's the quiet ones you need to be scared of, though. Plus, you are there when we're sleeping.
Madilynn: When I grow up, I'm gonna' be smartastic like Mommy!
Dalton: When I grow up, I wanna' be just like Daddy and be bipolar!
Emma: Well, when I grow up, I wanna' live at Mommy's house still, only have my own kids!
Huston: When I grow up, I'm not having kids, because I don't want them playing my video games.
Me: WHOA! WTH, yo??? Doesn't even one of you want to be a productive member of society at all? I mean, seriously, Madi, sarcasm is an acceptable lifestyle, but it's not really a life goal. And Dalton, let's go ahead and aim for mentally-well-at-all-costs, mkay? And...omg, I'm speaking in acronyms now, you're all grounded from talking.
Madi: Are acronyms smartastic?
Me: Guys, I need you all to behave so I can concentrate on shopping and not forget anything.
Huston: You didn't make a list?
Me: No, I didn't, but thank you so much for the judgement.
Warrick: (quietly to Huston) What's judgement?
Huston: Mommy was being sarcastic, because that's how she rolls.
Warrick: What's sarcastic?
Later, still at the store...
Donovan: I han dis hooooovieeeeee (I want this movie)
Me: No, we already got one.
Donovan: :::screams like Emma:::
Me: Aww...good, this'll be fun to listen to.
Very Tall Man Behind the Movies: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Glad my kids are all grown! Whenever I hear a kid screaming like that now, I just laaaaugh. And when the grand kids do it, I send 'em home! HAHAHAHA
Me: Oops! Scuse me, mister, I didn't mean to ram your ankles with my cart! :::innocent face::: Kids! Let go of the cart, you just ran into that poor laughing gentleman! :::runs away and hopes the kids follow:::
An hour later, still at the store...
Donovan: :::screaming again:::
Me: What happened to him now?
Huston: I pinched him because he was going to pinch me.
Me: Really? So you're fighting with a three year old? And...you turn how old on Friday? Nine?
Dalton: Don't worry, Huston, Mommy's just be smartastic again.
Me: No, I am always smartastic. I was not, however, being sarcastic...I was serious.
Warrick: Yeah, Huston, she was making the Death Face.
Me: Death Face?
Warrick: Yeah, the one you make where you get real quiet and your eyes pop out and it says "You're going to pay"....my teacher has one, too, only hers says "I'm the teacher, you're the student, so SIT DOWN." Yours is way scarier.
Me: Mine is scarier? Mine doesn't even yell.
Warrick: It's the quiet ones you need to be scared of, though. Plus, you are there when we're sleeping.
Madilynn: When I grow up, I'm gonna' be smartastic like Mommy!
Dalton: When I grow up, I wanna' be just like Daddy and be bipolar!
Emma: Well, when I grow up, I wanna' live at Mommy's house still, only have my own kids!
Huston: When I grow up, I'm not having kids, because I don't want them playing my video games.
Me: WHOA! WTH, yo??? Doesn't even one of you want to be a productive member of society at all? I mean, seriously, Madi, sarcasm is an acceptable lifestyle, but it's not really a life goal. And Dalton, let's go ahead and aim for mentally-well-at-all-costs, mkay? And...omg, I'm speaking in acronyms now, you're all grounded from talking.
Madi: Are acronyms smartastic?
Oct 25, 2010
Rainy Days and Mondays
I've decided to try to be more like my kids. They don't really let anything get to them.
Yesterday after church, I decided to ditch the housework and jump on the trampoline with them - play therapy or something. It kinda sucked, actually, so I told them to all get down because it was my turn. Then it was lots of fun until I realized I'm old and I had to give it up.
Today, during tell us one good thing that happened to you time, Huston didn't really have much to say. The rule is that there is always something positive to say and you have to think of something, so he said "Today, I'm happy that I didn't get eaten by a giant tarantula." So, the next time there's a Monday, at least you weren't consumed by overgrown arachnids, ya' know?
Which, basically is more than my sister can say for her Monday. She was ear-raped by a giant moth who laid eggs and also probably peed while fighting its way into her brain where he planned to build condos and move in all his mothy friends. That's a pretty bad day, if you ask me. However, giant tarantulas were nowhere in sight, so, silver lining, yo. (I put her on assignment to write a guest post...it was a pretty funny story for those of us who weren't in need of emergency moth extraction.)
So, clearly I got a little distracted by the moth thing. Understandable I think, no? Back to being a kid...
Ice cream fixes everything
When someone pisses you off, grab 'em by the hair and smash their face into something
Naps
Sounds good to me.
Yesterday after church, I decided to ditch the housework and jump on the trampoline with them - play therapy or something. It kinda sucked, actually, so I told them to all get down because it was my turn. Then it was lots of fun until I realized I'm old and I had to give it up.
Today, during tell us one good thing that happened to you time, Huston didn't really have much to say. The rule is that there is always something positive to say and you have to think of something, so he said "Today, I'm happy that I didn't get eaten by a giant tarantula." So, the next time there's a Monday, at least you weren't consumed by overgrown arachnids, ya' know?
Which, basically is more than my sister can say for her Monday. She was ear-raped by a giant moth who laid eggs and also probably peed while fighting its way into her brain where he planned to build condos and move in all his mothy friends. That's a pretty bad day, if you ask me. However, giant tarantulas were nowhere in sight, so, silver lining, yo. (I put her on assignment to write a guest post...it was a pretty funny story for those of us who weren't in need of emergency moth extraction.)
So, clearly I got a little distracted by the moth thing. Understandable I think, no? Back to being a kid...
Ice cream fixes everything
When someone pisses you off, grab 'em by the hair and smash their face into something
Naps
Sounds good to me.
Oct 1, 2010
Emma, Queen of Everything
I think my daughter is part Tasmanian Devil. I don't really know what those act like, except for Taz, but that's who she is. She's all fine and sweet and loving until you make her mad, then she starts spinning and screaming and destroys anyone in her path.
This happens every day on the way home from school, at least once at bedtime, and then usually another three or four times throughout the day.
I'm not sure why she lets everyone get to her so bad. Honestly, she's a lot like me, but people just don't piss me off like they do her. I keep trying to get her to chill, but the doctor says she's too young for Xanax, and apparently, you get arrested if you give children alcohol, so I'm at a loss.
When she's not angry, she is full of hugs and kisses and conversation. But all it takes is someone making a weird noise at her or looking at her wrong, and she's off. So naturally, her brothers do these things as often as possible.
I'm thinking cage match. Every time they want to get her going, just lock 'em in a cage and let her go off. But Google says that's illegal, too. Damn Google, so judgemental.
I love that kid, though. I always have a bond with the rotten kids, because they remind me of myself when I was a kid, and also myself now. Watch out for this one, Interwebz. She's going to kick ass, take names, and still be devastatingly beautiful when she's done. If only she would knock it off when I'm trying to drive.
This happens every day on the way home from school, at least once at bedtime, and then usually another three or four times throughout the day.
I'm not sure why she lets everyone get to her so bad. Honestly, she's a lot like me, but people just don't piss me off like they do her. I keep trying to get her to chill, but the doctor says she's too young for Xanax, and apparently, you get arrested if you give children alcohol, so I'm at a loss.
When she's not angry, she is full of hugs and kisses and conversation. But all it takes is someone making a weird noise at her or looking at her wrong, and she's off. So naturally, her brothers do these things as often as possible.
I'm thinking cage match. Every time they want to get her going, just lock 'em in a cage and let her go off. But Google says that's illegal, too. Damn Google, so judgemental.
I love that kid, though. I always have a bond with the rotten kids, because they remind me of myself when I was a kid, and also myself now. Watch out for this one, Interwebz. She's going to kick ass, take names, and still be devastatingly beautiful when she's done. If only she would knock it off when I'm trying to drive.
Sep 24, 2010
Teaching Children Proper Racism
I am the most un-judgemental person ever born. Well, no I'm not, but I like to say that. I am only racist against a few people, namely: men who drive pickups yet are still rude (I take offense to this, as I always expect them to be nice), people who are judgemental or racist against anything that I'm not racist against, people who don't like me, and people who call DHS on me. See? That's not too bad, right? None of the usualy stereotypes, so I think I'm good.
By virtue of heredity, my kids should be good in this area, as well, but here is the conversation I had with my almost ten year old son this evening:
Warrick: Were any of our ancestors cowboys?
Me: Not that I know of.
Warrick: Really? How is that possible?
Me: Well, I don't know...I just don't think they were.
Warrick: So we don't have any Indian blood and we're not cowboys....what are we? Mexicans?
Me: PAHAHAHAHA!
Warrick: What? Are we part Mexican, part cowboy? No.... that doesn't even make sense!
By virtue of heredity, my kids should be good in this area, as well, but here is the conversation I had with my almost ten year old son this evening:
Warrick: Were any of our ancestors cowboys?
Me: Not that I know of.
Warrick: Really? How is that possible?
Me: Well, I don't know...I just don't think they were.
Warrick: So we don't have any Indian blood and we're not cowboys....what are we? Mexicans?
Me: PAHAHAHAHA!
Warrick: What? Are we part Mexican, part cowboy? No.... that doesn't even make sense!
Sep 22, 2010
I'm too classy for Jason F. Brown
So, Jason F. Brown, I am number TWO! And I don't mean poop. I mean in the Google search, right behind the stupid producer. Hollywood always wins, and I think the producer should be number two (the poop kind), because if I could decide how things go, that's what I would do is turn someone to poop over Google wars, and also I would invent fairies that clean my house to cancel out the invisible people who mess it up, and probably require french fries every day with cheese and bacon and ranch and that would pretty much be all the decisions I would need to make because, really, what's not perfect about this?
I am not going to talk about anything on this list:
Jason F. Brown
Poop
DHS
school
The Ex from hail
So that leaves only one subject...my smartass kid.
My daughter is a total smart alec. I blame the parents. Oh, no...not her parents. Mine. Because I remember when I was younger and I heard my parents muttering something about waiting until I have a daughter and they would just laugh....only now do I realize they were cursing me.
A conversation with Madilynn:
Me: You are grounded because you went to the neighbors' yesterday when I told you to stay home until your chores were done.
Madi: I'm grounded?
Me: Yes
Madi: What does that even mean?
Me: You know what it means -- no going anywhere, no TV, no computer
Madi: I'm not sure I went to the neighbors'.
Me: Yes, you did.
Madi: Wellll...I'm not sure you told me not to.
Me: Yes, I did.
Madi: Oh. I'm not sure I heard you.
Me: Yes, you did.
Madi: Oh. Well....was it Don't Listen to Mommy Day?
*******************************************************
Here's a conversation with my other daughter, Emma:
Me: Guys, I need you to get your homework done right after dinner.
Emma: No, Mama-Stupid.
Me: Excuse me?
Emma: No, Mama-Stupid.
Me: You are not to call me that.
Emma: Ok, Mama-Stupid
Me: Go to your room. We don't say stupid.
Emma: Donovan says stupid, Mama-Stupid.
Me: Nobody knows what Donovan's saying ever...don't tell me he says that. Go to your room.
Emma: Yes he does, Mama-Stupid.
Me: ::::screaming:::: :::pulling my hair out::::
Donovan: NO, Mama-Stupid!!!!
Emma: See? Mama-....
Me: :::interrupts::: Emma, don't you dare.
Emma: ...Cutie...I was saying Mama-Cutie! Do I still have to go to my room Mama-Cutie?
********************************************************************************
So, like I said, my parents really need to do something about this.
I am not going to talk about anything on this list:
Jason F. Brown
Poop
DHS
school
The Ex from hail
So that leaves only one subject...my smartass kid.
My daughter is a total smart alec. I blame the parents. Oh, no...not her parents. Mine. Because I remember when I was younger and I heard my parents muttering something about waiting until I have a daughter and they would just laugh....only now do I realize they were cursing me.
A conversation with Madilynn:
Me: You are grounded because you went to the neighbors' yesterday when I told you to stay home until your chores were done.
Madi: I'm grounded?
Me: Yes
Madi: What does that even mean?
Me: You know what it means -- no going anywhere, no TV, no computer
Madi: I'm not sure I went to the neighbors'.
Me: Yes, you did.
Madi: Wellll...I'm not sure you told me not to.
Me: Yes, I did.
Madi: Oh. I'm not sure I heard you.
Me: Yes, you did.
Madi: Oh. Well....was it Don't Listen to Mommy Day?
*******************************************************
Here's a conversation with my other daughter, Emma:
Me: Guys, I need you to get your homework done right after dinner.
Emma: No, Mama-Stupid.
Me: Excuse me?
Emma: No, Mama-Stupid.
Me: You are not to call me that.
Emma: Ok, Mama-Stupid
Me: Go to your room. We don't say stupid.
Emma: Donovan says stupid, Mama-Stupid.
Me: Nobody knows what Donovan's saying ever...don't tell me he says that. Go to your room.
Emma: Yes he does, Mama-Stupid.
Me: ::::screaming:::: :::pulling my hair out::::
Donovan: NO, Mama-Stupid!!!!
Emma: See? Mama-....
Me: :::interrupts::: Emma, don't you dare.
Emma: ...Cutie...I was saying Mama-Cutie! Do I still have to go to my room Mama-Cutie?
********************************************************************************
So, like I said, my parents really need to do something about this.
Sep 17, 2010
Jason F. Brown Erased my Memory
There were at least five hilarious things that happened in my life over the last 24 hours, and I know that two of them were blog-worthy, until Jason F. Brown erased my memory. If Jason F. Brown would just lemme' have the top of his Google page, I could resume with the funny stuff, and not even trip, but until that happens, I am sooo not giving up. But I guess that Jason F. Brown will be erasing my memory every day until I beat him.
I saw Jason F. Brown in concert last night, except it wasn't Jason F. Brown, it was actually the Zac Brown Band, and it was awesome. I haven't had that much fun since Jason F. Brown was a sparkle in his daddy's eye.
This morning, I learned why it's been so long since I've had that much fun, and that's because I have more to do than a one-legged Jason F. Brown in an ass-kicking contest. Late nights, alcohol, boots and dancing, screaming Jason F. Brown's name (or Zac Brown), and acting the fool all night aren't really conducive to kicking bootay at anything the next day when you're my age, or even when you're Jason F. Brown's age. But it was worth it. Even better than being at the top of the Jason F. Brown list.
If I had to chose between meeting Jason F. Brown and last night, I would have to chose last night, but only because Jason F. Brown would totally overshadow my funny, and that's not cool of Jason F. Brown at all. Also, Jason F. Brown beats me at redneck rapping, which is a totally crappy thing of Jason F. Brown to do, but I guess Jason F. Brown had to be good at something, and that happens to be Jason F. Brown's thing.
If I had to chose between having Jason F. Brown's babies, or keeping my own, I would have to ask him if his babies would go to bed when they are supposed to, and also if they would try to sneak into my bed while I'm asleep and I don't notice it until I'm having a heat stroke at four in the morning due to all of the people using all the air in the room and suffocating me while they simultaneously kick me in the face because they can only sleep if they turn upside down and flail their limbs about all night long. If Jason F. Brown's kids are better at letting me sleep than mine, then me and Jason F. Brown may have a deal. But I would probably have to ask Jason F. Brown's wife, and I'm scared of that, because she's got to have more badassness than I, and she's his baby-mama already, and that pretty much means I'm not going to try to compete with her at all. Ever. So Jason F. Brown will have to get used to the fact that I'm keeping my own kids, which is really ok, because I like my kids a lot, even if they don't need sleep.
I saw Jason F. Brown in concert last night, except it wasn't Jason F. Brown, it was actually the Zac Brown Band, and it was awesome. I haven't had that much fun since Jason F. Brown was a sparkle in his daddy's eye.
This morning, I learned why it's been so long since I've had that much fun, and that's because I have more to do than a one-legged Jason F. Brown in an ass-kicking contest. Late nights, alcohol, boots and dancing, screaming Jason F. Brown's name (or Zac Brown), and acting the fool all night aren't really conducive to kicking bootay at anything the next day when you're my age, or even when you're Jason F. Brown's age. But it was worth it. Even better than being at the top of the Jason F. Brown list.
If I had to chose between meeting Jason F. Brown and last night, I would have to chose last night, but only because Jason F. Brown would totally overshadow my funny, and that's not cool of Jason F. Brown at all. Also, Jason F. Brown beats me at redneck rapping, which is a totally crappy thing of Jason F. Brown to do, but I guess Jason F. Brown had to be good at something, and that happens to be Jason F. Brown's thing.
If I had to chose between having Jason F. Brown's babies, or keeping my own, I would have to ask him if his babies would go to bed when they are supposed to, and also if they would try to sneak into my bed while I'm asleep and I don't notice it until I'm having a heat stroke at four in the morning due to all of the people using all the air in the room and suffocating me while they simultaneously kick me in the face because they can only sleep if they turn upside down and flail their limbs about all night long. If Jason F. Brown's kids are better at letting me sleep than mine, then me and Jason F. Brown may have a deal. But I would probably have to ask Jason F. Brown's wife, and I'm scared of that, because she's got to have more badassness than I, and she's his baby-mama already, and that pretty much means I'm not going to try to compete with her at all. Ever. So Jason F. Brown will have to get used to the fact that I'm keeping my own kids, which is really ok, because I like my kids a lot, even if they don't need sleep.
Aug 31, 2010
Random Bits and Pieces, Because I Have Nothing to Say
For Rochelle, from The Journal:
"Dad is being so mean to me! He called me a smart alec tonight. (Psh) Whatever an 'alec' is. (Yes, because that wasn't smart Alec at all...wonder why he would've called me that. Meanie.)
"I'm SO upset! Last night, I closed with Brian (A guy from work who I swore to marry one day...never happened.), and we got into a big fight. See, first, he ate my cookie...." What???
***************************************************************
Other Randomness:
:::walking back to class from a meeting::: "Wait, there were five of us, where did the other person go?...one, two, three, four...Oh...yeah, we're five people. Good thing I chose accounting." -- Me
My four year old niece ten minutes after my eight year old lost a tooth -- "Aunt Mandy, I keep pulling and pulling, but why won't my tooth come out?"
After School:
Warrick: Mommy, I'm the best at science in my whole class!
Huston: And I'm the fastest reader!
Madilynn: And I'm the best at being have! (She thinks when I tell her to behave, I'm saying to be have.)
My niece: And I'm the shortest!
Emma's teacher: We finally got assigned seating. With four year olds, it takes some time because some personalities just don't need to sit near each other.
Me: Emma, I saw where you sit at school.
Emma: Yeah, I sit on ducks, but I used to sit on boats.
Me: :::I knew that teacher was talking about my kid!::: Were you fighting with someone?
Emma: :::The kid who can kick anybody's ass::: Well, some kid pushed me.
Me: So...what did you do?
Emma: Nothing. Until the next day and I punched him.
Is it wrong that I'm a little proud of this? Yes. The answer is yes. So I only cheered for her silently in my head, while I told my daughter that we don't hit anyone, even if they have it coming.
"Dad is being so mean to me! He called me a smart alec tonight. (Psh) Whatever an 'alec' is. (Yes, because that wasn't smart Alec at all...wonder why he would've called me that. Meanie.)
"I'm SO upset! Last night, I closed with Brian (A guy from work who I swore to marry one day...never happened.), and we got into a big fight. See, first, he ate my cookie...." What???
***************************************************************
Other Randomness:
:::walking back to class from a meeting::: "Wait, there were five of us, where did the other person go?...one, two, three, four...Oh...yeah, we're five people. Good thing I chose accounting." -- Me
My four year old niece ten minutes after my eight year old lost a tooth -- "Aunt Mandy, I keep pulling and pulling, but why won't my tooth come out?"
After School:
Warrick: Mommy, I'm the best at science in my whole class!
Huston: And I'm the fastest reader!
Madilynn: And I'm the best at being have! (She thinks when I tell her to behave, I'm saying to be have.)
My niece: And I'm the shortest!
Emma's teacher: We finally got assigned seating. With four year olds, it takes some time because some personalities just don't need to sit near each other.
Me: Emma, I saw where you sit at school.
Emma: Yeah, I sit on ducks, but I used to sit on boats.
Me: :::I knew that teacher was talking about my kid!::: Were you fighting with someone?
Emma: :::The kid who can kick anybody's ass::: Well, some kid pushed me.
Me: So...what did you do?
Emma: Nothing. Until the next day and I punched him.
Is it wrong that I'm a little proud of this? Yes. The answer is yes. So I only cheered for her silently in my head, while I told my daughter that we don't hit anyone, even if they have it coming.
Aug 30, 2010
Forgo-ing
I got to go to my kids' school today for "Parent Orientation". This has been the final straw for me on any type of orientation. I hate it. A lot.
When I started school (this time around), I spent the first two weeks on orientation. I got two handbooks. Then I had to take a class on what was in the handbooks. Then some tests on what I learned in the handbooks. Then four videos in which they pretty much read the handbooks word-for-word. Also a couple of PowerPoint presentations, again, word for word what was in the original handbooks.
When I put my son in daycare, I had to watch two more videos on daycare policies, and received two more handbooks.
When I put my kids in school this year, I got five handbooks. When they started classes, all five of them came home with another class-specific handbook. Tonight, I got to go listen to each teacher read the handbook.
DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO READ?!?!?!
Sorry.
But really.
Can those of us who know how to read just sign something that says we have read and understand the stupid handbook, and we are willing to accept the consequences if we chose to forgo having it read to us? Please? Because I've wasted nearly three weeks now learning things I already knew because I had already READ the information GIVEN TO ME.
Also, forgo is a word we really should use more.
"I'd like to forgo informational videos, please."
"Can we just forgo being read to if we're not in Kindergarten?"
"I'm gonna' forgo this ticket, officer, but thanks!"
"I would like to retroactively forgo the last ten years of my life, please. Thanks so much!"
When I started school (this time around), I spent the first two weeks on orientation. I got two handbooks. Then I had to take a class on what was in the handbooks. Then some tests on what I learned in the handbooks. Then four videos in which they pretty much read the handbooks word-for-word. Also a couple of PowerPoint presentations, again, word for word what was in the original handbooks.
When I put my son in daycare, I had to watch two more videos on daycare policies, and received two more handbooks.
When I put my kids in school this year, I got five handbooks. When they started classes, all five of them came home with another class-specific handbook. Tonight, I got to go listen to each teacher read the handbook.
DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO READ?!?!?!
Sorry.
But really.
Can those of us who know how to read just sign something that says we have read and understand the stupid handbook, and we are willing to accept the consequences if we chose to forgo having it read to us? Please? Because I've wasted nearly three weeks now learning things I already knew because I had already READ the information GIVEN TO ME.
Also, forgo is a word we really should use more.
"I'd like to forgo informational videos, please."
"Can we just forgo being read to if we're not in Kindergarten?"
"I'm gonna' forgo this ticket, officer, but thanks!"
"I would like to retroactively forgo the last ten years of my life, please. Thanks so much!"
Aug 27, 2010
Police, Field Trips, and Why Emma gets Left at School from Now On...
I took the kids to the police station today on the way home from school. I thought this would be a great way to break up the screaming/fighting/murdering that goes on in the back seat all the way home, and also be a chance for the kids to learn something. We all piled out of the car, went inside and sat in the lobby.
Officer: Ma'am, can I help you with something?
Me: :::looks closely at the officer::: Prolly not...got any big scary officers back there we can talk to?
Officer: Is there something you need help with?
Me: Yes, but I just don't think you're quite the right public servant...I need someone scary.
Officer: Ma'am, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but if you are here for a reason, you can tell me about it and I will direct you to the right person.
Me: Well, my kids were trying to kill each other on the way home from school. After my ears started bleeding and I was tempted to just get out and let my fourth grader take the wheel, I decided to bring them here.
Officer: We don't arrest children.
Me: :::puppy face::: pwwweeeease????
Officer: :::sighs::: I think you need to leave.
Me: Wait! I've seen those talk shows where you guys get a big scary officer and have him yell at the bad kids until they cry and then they change their ways and their moms are so happy and relaxed after that...can I get some of that?
Officer: This isn't a drive-through.
Me: Aren't you a public servant? Well....I'm part of the public, right? So fix my kid, I order thee!
Officer: Ma'am, if I have to go get a big scary officer, he will be coming after you, not the kids.
Me: Oh. :::sad face:::
Officer: :::taps foot:::
Me: Ok, wait, I have one more question...
Officer: ...
Me: Oh, well, uh, see, my daughter Emma? She screams all the way home, and she's like, unnaturally loud. I thought maybe you could give her a job? Help her work out some of her frustrations? She's four, but she's very precocious.
Officer: A job?
Me: ....yes?
Officer: Are you serious?
Me: yes?
Officer: You want your four year old little girl to be a police officer? I'm calling CPS...
Me: No! :::grabs the phone from him and hangs it up::: :::chuckles::: Of course not! I thought she could be a siren.
Officer: A...siren?
Me: Yeah, like the thing that makes all the noise when you need people to get out of the way? She's good at that. When we left the school today, we didn't have to worry about traffic because she was pulling people over all the way here.
Officer: Are you talking about (my kids' school) right when it got out? Because we did have an emergency in that area, and there was a minivan that would not get out of the officer's way. Would that have been you?
Me: No, I saw that van, it wasn't me. I was in the van who pulled that officer over because even he thought I was an emergency vehicle.
Officer: You need to go. Now.
Me: So, we'll just get back to you on the job...? No?
Officer: Ma'am, can I help you with something?
Me: :::looks closely at the officer::: Prolly not...got any big scary officers back there we can talk to?
Officer: Is there something you need help with?
Me: Yes, but I just don't think you're quite the right public servant...I need someone scary.
Officer: Ma'am, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but if you are here for a reason, you can tell me about it and I will direct you to the right person.
Me: Well, my kids were trying to kill each other on the way home from school. After my ears started bleeding and I was tempted to just get out and let my fourth grader take the wheel, I decided to bring them here.
Officer: We don't arrest children.
Me: :::puppy face::: pwwweeeease????
Officer: :::sighs::: I think you need to leave.
Me: Wait! I've seen those talk shows where you guys get a big scary officer and have him yell at the bad kids until they cry and then they change their ways and their moms are so happy and relaxed after that...can I get some of that?
Officer: This isn't a drive-through.
Me: Aren't you a public servant? Well....I'm part of the public, right? So fix my kid, I order thee!
Officer: Ma'am, if I have to go get a big scary officer, he will be coming after you, not the kids.
Me: Oh. :::sad face:::
Officer: :::taps foot:::
Me: Ok, wait, I have one more question...
Officer: ...
Me: Oh, well, uh, see, my daughter Emma? She screams all the way home, and she's like, unnaturally loud. I thought maybe you could give her a job? Help her work out some of her frustrations? She's four, but she's very precocious.
Officer: A job?
Me: ....yes?
Officer: Are you serious?
Me: yes?
Officer: You want your four year old little girl to be a police officer? I'm calling CPS...
Me: No! :::grabs the phone from him and hangs it up::: :::chuckles::: Of course not! I thought she could be a siren.
Officer: A...siren?
Me: Yeah, like the thing that makes all the noise when you need people to get out of the way? She's good at that. When we left the school today, we didn't have to worry about traffic because she was pulling people over all the way here.
Officer: Are you talking about (my kids' school) right when it got out? Because we did have an emergency in that area, and there was a minivan that would not get out of the officer's way. Would that have been you?
Me: No, I saw that van, it wasn't me. I was in the van who pulled that officer over because even he thought I was an emergency vehicle.
Officer: You need to go. Now.
Me: So, we'll just get back to you on the job...? No?
Aug 23, 2010
School is an A-Hole
I miss the good old days (before I was alive) when people were just good at stuff and that's what they got paid for. When school was an option. Because I hate school.
I was home sick today, which means that I have to make up the hours I should have been there or I won't get my full grade. Being sick is not an excused absence, even though they ask that you please refrain from germing up the classroom. I'm gonna' try to limp my way through tomorrow so I won't be more behind, but I'm wondering if they'll let me bring my bed.
Also, my kids hate school. They are so intimidated by this huge snobby school they're going to, and I don't really know what to do about it. The oldest wants to go back a grade, because the teacher moves too fast. Is it selfish that I want him to stay where he is because she is my favorite teacher any of them have ever had? Prolly.
The second son loves school, but he's "gifted" (whatever that's supposed to mean), so of course he loves school. It's smart-kid crack for him.
The third son is having fun with his friends, but he's upset that he's not making more friends. Am I wrong for telling him that I don't really want him being friends with those kids anyway? (again, prolly)His best friend is in his class, so he's happy with that, but he's used to being a big fish in a little pond at his old school. He doesn't really know how to handle people not automatically wanting to be his friend. So of course, there must be something wrong with those other kids, because I agree...who doesn't want to be his friend? He's like the coolest kid ever.
My kindergarten daughter doesn't like her teacher and can't ever find her classroom, which is right inside the front door of the school. I'm thinking she gets scared when she goes inside and then forgets what she's doing. She's also not making friends as easily as she did last year. What's wrong with these kids?
The pre-k super-aggressive daughter is doing awesome. She likes it, she tells her teachers what's up, she takes care of her cousin who is in the other pre-k class...she's all over school. She's been very busy writing new curriculum and coming up with better schedules, as a matter of fact. I should let her shadow each of the older kids for a day. She'd beat up anyone who doesn't want to be friends and tell the teachers to slow it down a little. She'd be all over that.
I'm thinking of farming from here on out. Who cares about readin' and 'rithmetic when your kids are being tortured on a daily basis? Not me. I think there's a better way.
I was home sick today, which means that I have to make up the hours I should have been there or I won't get my full grade. Being sick is not an excused absence, even though they ask that you please refrain from germing up the classroom. I'm gonna' try to limp my way through tomorrow so I won't be more behind, but I'm wondering if they'll let me bring my bed.
Also, my kids hate school. They are so intimidated by this huge snobby school they're going to, and I don't really know what to do about it. The oldest wants to go back a grade, because the teacher moves too fast. Is it selfish that I want him to stay where he is because she is my favorite teacher any of them have ever had? Prolly.
The second son loves school, but he's "gifted" (whatever that's supposed to mean), so of course he loves school. It's smart-kid crack for him.
The third son is having fun with his friends, but he's upset that he's not making more friends. Am I wrong for telling him that I don't really want him being friends with those kids anyway? (again, prolly)His best friend is in his class, so he's happy with that, but he's used to being a big fish in a little pond at his old school. He doesn't really know how to handle people not automatically wanting to be his friend. So of course, there must be something wrong with those other kids, because I agree...who doesn't want to be his friend? He's like the coolest kid ever.
My kindergarten daughter doesn't like her teacher and can't ever find her classroom, which is right inside the front door of the school. I'm thinking she gets scared when she goes inside and then forgets what she's doing. She's also not making friends as easily as she did last year. What's wrong with these kids?
The pre-k super-aggressive daughter is doing awesome. She likes it, she tells her teachers what's up, she takes care of her cousin who is in the other pre-k class...she's all over school. She's been very busy writing new curriculum and coming up with better schedules, as a matter of fact. I should let her shadow each of the older kids for a day. She'd beat up anyone who doesn't want to be friends and tell the teachers to slow it down a little. She'd be all over that.
I'm thinking of farming from here on out. Who cares about readin' and 'rithmetic when your kids are being tortured on a daily basis? Not me. I think there's a better way.
Aug 13, 2010
A Conversation with My Niece
Me: Hey, dere wittle baby...how's da bebe? Gooey goo?
Lacy (5 months, I think...I'm a bad aunt): Waddup? Look, I can make slanty eyes when I smile.
Me: Awww, you're so cute! :::pinches Lacy's toes:::
Lacy: What are you doing? I can't see them yet, but I'm pretty sure those belong to me.
Me: Bebebebebebe....is Aunt Mandy funny? hahaha
Lacy: Not really, but you're an idiot, which makes me laugh. Ha.
Me: Can I hold you? Do you want to hang out with Aunt Mandy?
Lacy: No, please.
Me: :::picks Lacy up anyway:::
Lacy: ...
Me: See? This is fun, isn't it? You're so cute.
Lacy: I know. So where's my mom?
Lacy's Mom: Do you want me to take her?
Lacy: :::gets whiplash looking for her mom after hearing her voice:::
Me: No, she likes me, she wants to hang out with me.
Lacy: Mom? Mom? This crazy lady is making weird noises at me and she picked me up after I said no. Please save me.
Me: Hey, Lacy! You don't want your momma...you wanna' see Aunt Mandy!
Lacy: Nope, I think I want my mom. She has those feedy things, and I could totally dig some lunch right now.
Me: Ohhh...you're not hungry...we're gonna' play! Yaaaaay!!!
Lacy: If you don't either feed me or give me to my mom, I'll be sure you regret it. I want my mom. Now.
Me: Oh, c'mon...don't you want to give your mommy a break?
Lacy: Nope.
Me: I know more funny noises...you like those, right? :::makes funny noises which most babies find hysterical, because Aunt Mandy is awesomely funny:::
Lacy: ...
Me: :::different funny noise:::
Lacy: Are you kidding me right now?
Me: :::one more funny noise:::
Lacy: :::pukes down Aunt Mandy's shirt:::
Me: Aaaaah! Dude!
Lacy: :::laughs::: Now that is funny. Where's my mom?
Lacy (5 months, I think...I'm a bad aunt): Waddup? Look, I can make slanty eyes when I smile.
Me: Awww, you're so cute! :::pinches Lacy's toes:::
Lacy: What are you doing? I can't see them yet, but I'm pretty sure those belong to me.
Me: Bebebebebebe....is Aunt Mandy funny? hahaha
Lacy: Not really, but you're an idiot, which makes me laugh. Ha.
Me: Can I hold you? Do you want to hang out with Aunt Mandy?
Lacy: No, please.
Me: :::picks Lacy up anyway:::
Lacy: ...
Me: See? This is fun, isn't it? You're so cute.
Lacy: I know. So where's my mom?
Lacy's Mom: Do you want me to take her?
Lacy: :::gets whiplash looking for her mom after hearing her voice:::
Me: No, she likes me, she wants to hang out with me.
Lacy: Mom? Mom? This crazy lady is making weird noises at me and she picked me up after I said no. Please save me.
Me: Hey, Lacy! You don't want your momma...you wanna' see Aunt Mandy!
Lacy: Nope, I think I want my mom. She has those feedy things, and I could totally dig some lunch right now.
Me: Ohhh...you're not hungry...we're gonna' play! Yaaaaay!!!
Lacy: If you don't either feed me or give me to my mom, I'll be sure you regret it. I want my mom. Now.
Me: Oh, c'mon...don't you want to give your mommy a break?
Lacy: Nope.
Me: I know more funny noises...you like those, right? :::makes funny noises which most babies find hysterical, because Aunt Mandy is awesomely funny:::
Lacy: ...
Me: :::different funny noise:::
Lacy: Are you kidding me right now?
Me: :::one more funny noise:::
Lacy: :::pukes down Aunt Mandy's shirt:::
Me: Aaaaah! Dude!
Lacy: :::laughs::: Now that is funny. Where's my mom?
Jul 30, 2010
Glossary of Terms for Moms
Sleep - Lying still with eyes closed, and then jumping up at five-minute intervals to find a pacifier.
Date – spending one hour getting dressed up, two hours telling a sitter what to do, fifteen minutes changing your clothes again because someone wiped their nose on you, getting in the car with your husband and deciding to go grocery shopping because it’s really all you have time to do before the sitter has to leave.
Baby-sitter - someone who will watch your kids while you are busy calling her every two minutes.
Baby - a small human, who eats, sleeps, cries, and goes potty while you somehow nurture her on instinct until she sleeps through the night and your brain works well enough that you can care for her on purpose.
Pet – the cute little thing you fall in love with when you’re pregnant, and can’t stand after your child is born. (AKA: Baby’s partner in crime)
Toddler - Baby 1.2 - does everything that a baby does but has the added features of walking and eating things found under couch cushions. Can also return affection (if properly napped).
Child – Baby 1.3 – upgrades on Baby 1.2 including no more need for diapers, ability to feed himself, extremely funny. Caution: will repeat naughty words at the worst moments.
Teen - Baby 1.4 - comes out of nowhere and replaces your baby. Does everything that a child does, but skips the affection and nap, and instead will perfect the art of wearing a glare for an entire week – even while sleeping.
Grandparents – Spoil Babies 1.2-1.3, then laugh as you encounter Baby 1.4 (Teen Version).
Vaccinations – an experience which requires a person to hold her child down while strangers stick needles into him. Highly traumatic, and may also bother the child.
Camera – device which, when attached to a mom or dad, causes Baby 1.1 to blink and squint for the entire first year of her life.
Facebook – a social networking website
Facebook for parents – a social networking website for babies who have seized control of their parents’ minds, causing frequent updates of things most people take for granted, such as the ability to roll over, sleep, eat or smile. (note: especially dangerous when combined with camera)
Date – spending one hour getting dressed up, two hours telling a sitter what to do, fifteen minutes changing your clothes again because someone wiped their nose on you, getting in the car with your husband and deciding to go grocery shopping because it’s really all you have time to do before the sitter has to leave.
Baby-sitter - someone who will watch your kids while you are busy calling her every two minutes.
Baby - a small human, who eats, sleeps, cries, and goes potty while you somehow nurture her on instinct until she sleeps through the night and your brain works well enough that you can care for her on purpose.
Pet – the cute little thing you fall in love with when you’re pregnant, and can’t stand after your child is born. (AKA: Baby’s partner in crime)
Toddler - Baby 1.2 - does everything that a baby does but has the added features of walking and eating things found under couch cushions. Can also return affection (if properly napped).
Child – Baby 1.3 – upgrades on Baby 1.2 including no more need for diapers, ability to feed himself, extremely funny. Caution: will repeat naughty words at the worst moments.
Teen - Baby 1.4 - comes out of nowhere and replaces your baby. Does everything that a child does, but skips the affection and nap, and instead will perfect the art of wearing a glare for an entire week – even while sleeping.
Grandparents – Spoil Babies 1.2-1.3, then laugh as you encounter Baby 1.4 (Teen Version).
Vaccinations – an experience which requires a person to hold her child down while strangers stick needles into him. Highly traumatic, and may also bother the child.
Camera – device which, when attached to a mom or dad, causes Baby 1.1 to blink and squint for the entire first year of her life.
Facebook – a social networking website
Facebook for parents – a social networking website for babies who have seized control of their parents’ minds, causing frequent updates of things most people take for granted, such as the ability to roll over, sleep, eat or smile. (note: especially dangerous when combined with camera)
Jul 27, 2010
Just Say No to Drugs
Last week, I was driving around town with the kids and we passed a drugstore. This prompted all kinds of questions about what a drugstore is, why it's ok to sell drugs if drugs are bad, etc. My kids are a little young for the drug talk, but I just answered their questions honestly and hoped that it was the beginning of many open discussions in the future in which I would be super-mom and my children would ask my permission and respect my authority and never ever ever do drugs.
In the middle of this talk, I was pulling into a gas station, trying to find a place to park. There was a police officer at a gas pump, which I drove around to get to my spot. We were about three feet away from him, windows down. My youngest daughter (who has no inside voice AT ALL), yells "Mommy, look! A police!"
I kind of giggled and continued driving. Just as a made it around the pump and was in full view of the officer, the son who was sitting nearest him hollered through his open window "Yeah! Mommy! Don't buy DRUUUUUGS!!!!" I almost died.
I havenever almost never never bought drugs. Apparently, our talk pretty much had the opposite effect of what I wanted. My kids seem to think that it's ok to buy drugs from a drugstore (and possibly a gas station), as long as you don't take them, and as long as you NEVER do it in front of the police.
Awesome.
In the middle of this talk, I was pulling into a gas station, trying to find a place to park. There was a police officer at a gas pump, which I drove around to get to my spot. We were about three feet away from him, windows down. My youngest daughter (who has no inside voice AT ALL), yells "Mommy, look! A police!"
I kind of giggled and continued driving. Just as a made it around the pump and was in full view of the officer, the son who was sitting nearest him hollered through his open window "Yeah! Mommy! Don't buy DRUUUUUGS!!!!" I almost died.
I have
Awesome.
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