The Reason for Everything, with Sparkles and Spikes

There is a bracelet. It belongs to me because one day I had ten dollars to my name, and for some reason, when have very little money, I have a desperate need to spend it on things for which I have no use at all. So I bought the bracelet.

It is a leather sparkly-spiked bracelet. It looks like this:

It clearly says that the wearer is amazingly intelligent, not too old for it at all, and totally into being attractive and stylish.

To further that point, I wear it upside down, like this:

Because that's how I roll, yo....put the best parts where nobody can see them and the functional parts up high to show how excessively functional I am...and also how very sparkly I am if only you look under my wrists.

The ring is a bonus...it's actually two rings, because the one just wasn't accomplishing what I wanted, which was to border both sides of yet another ring that says "FAITH", only I lost my faith ring, which is symbolic of absolutely nothing except maybe that I don't always put things were they belong. Anyway, I wear the rings in case I ever need to punch someone really hard in the forehead with my left hand, which happens a lot more often than you might think, but still less often than, say, Christmas. Still, you obviously don't want to make me angry.

Anyway, the point to all of this is that I lost my bracelet (again). I like to drive with the windows down, so I'm guessing the bracelet jumped ship because I hadn't been out of the truck yet.

Did I mention how much this bracelet means to me? As in, I would drive around for miles looking for it in ditches and possibly even attack 12 year old skater chicks because they may have one that looks almost similar, or not really at all similar unless you're driving 45 miles down a dirt road? Because that's exactly what I did for this bracelet today.

His name is Toby the Awesome Bracelet.

And he was lost.

I didn't find him in any ditches, and if there were a 12 year old skater chick who learned a lesson about talking to crazy old lady strangers today, it wasn't on her, either. I spent hours or maybe minutes looking for Toby.

Toby may not love me as much as I love him. Figures.

I found him sitting right by my computer where I left him because he isn't made for typing. Even though I specifically remember telling him to get in the truck when it was time to go. For that, he's not going out next weekend or next month or whenever the next time I have a spare evening may be. Although he probably won't mind, because the last time he went out, he was kidnapped by a woman who is wayyyy older than I, and I had to get my friend's husband to get him back.

Either way, as the only symbol of my utter awesomness, Toby isn't going to be worn anymore, which is symbolic of why neither my functionality nor my sparkliness are EVER seen outside my home (because I lose them when I bring them out, is my point.)

Responsed.

The ensuing correspondence, following yesterday's email:

Electric Company:

"If you would respond to this email with your account number and the last four digits of your social security number, we would be happy to look into this for you."


Me:

"Account number: ###########-#

Social Security: ####

I am fairly certain the words "non account specific" (which was the heading under which I sent my email, because it was the only one that didn't require my account number) mean that you don't need my account information to read my correspondence. Please don't cut off my power because I am a smartass...I'm pretty sure that smartasses get electricity, too. It's in the Constitution. I think."



Electric Company:

"Actually, 'non account specific' refers to inquiries that relate to general, non-electric service issues...to discuss your account information, such as deposits, we need to verify who we are speaking with...

The deposit held on your account is $635.00

:::An entire statement of my account history, followed with an explanation of different bill paying options:::

In any event, we do show a credit balance on the account, and would note that there is at this time no danger of disconnect whatsoever. (We would note that smartassery of any sort has no bearing on disconnect of service, for which more than a few of us around here, your humble correspondent included, are deeply grateful. We also understand that having service cut off for any reason is a highly stressful situation, and kept that in mind.)
With regards,
Electric Company

Me:

Thank you for the information. Perhaps it is Gas Company who has two thousand of my dollars.
I apologize for my incorrectness, I can assure you it doesn't happen often.
Thank you for not cutting me off due to smartassery, and also for my new favorite word, which is smartassery. It will be used often and well.
In humble apologies and sincere earnestness in paying my future bills on time,
MannyRee

Dear Electric Company

To Whom it May Concern (probably nobody):
I have been dealing with you for quite a few years, now. I believe the two of us have reached an impasse and should part ways. However, this is impossible until I am able to build my windmill and solar panels. Therefore, I am writing to you to address some of the issues we have had in the past. I realize that you do not care that I am unhappy with you as I have less of a chance of leaving this relationship than I do of remembering to pay my bill on time. But lets face it, neither one of those things is going to happen.

I realize that I forgot to pay you, even after you sent me the notice on the pretty colored paper. I had to put cash into my account so that I could call a payment in, but the problem lies in the fact that I also had to take all six of my children to the grocery store that same day. This lasted from the minute school got out that afternoon until after my kids' bedtime that evening, which meant that dinner and homework were done around midnight and the kids finally fell asleep just as our alarms were going off the next morning. Somehow, in all of this shuffle, I forgot to give you a call. I sincerely apologize.

When I came home yesterday ten minutes before your offices closed to find my power out, I was not impressed. I had just been listening to the weather man say that the temperatures would be in the twenties over night, and there was no way I could keep all the kids warm in that house with no power. Yet, still, I know I am to blame because I did forget to call you.

I just have one question. You see, over the last few years, due to my inability to pay you on time, you have cut off my power numerous times to demand more of a deposit. You are currently in possession of over two thousand of my dollars. Dollars that could buy me a truck so that I have something to drive every day, but instead, are sitting in your pocket earning me one dollar a month in interest. While I appreciate you storing my dollars for me, I would like them back before you cut off my power again, please. It doesn't make sense to me that you can cut the power when my bill is just over one hundred dollars. Essentially, you own me two thousand dollars, and I'm the one crammed into a hotel room with six screaming children. Somehow, this doesn't seem fair.

Does this have to do with the time I flipped you off for cutting my power and then telling me you were too far away (ten feet from my house) to turn it back on again? Because I thought we were over that after I sent you another five hundred dollars to add to my deposit. But if that is why you hate me, please tell me what I can do about it. Feel free to come to my house and I will point all my other fingers at you until the one finger is cancelled out. Maybe you would like to come over for Thanksgiving or Christmas? We could be like family. Only, half the time, I don't have electricity for those holidays, either, because hell, it's a stressful time and rife with opportunities for forgetting to pay you.

That brings me to my final issue, and frankly, the only fault I will admit to having where you are concerned. I just can't bring myself to pay you on time. I don't have a problem paying my other bills, it's only you, Electric Company. And it's because I don't like you. If I had a million dollars in my account and a check all written out in a stamped envelope sitting right in my lap as I went to the mailbox, I wouldn't put it in. Because I have a mental block when it comes to paying you and I'm pretty sure it's because of the things you have put me through over the years.

So in order to work toward a better relationship with you, because I just don't see a way to move on to greener pastures, I propose the following:

1. I will go to therapy and try to work past my electricity issues so that I can actually pay you on time.
2. You don't turn off my power until I am the one who owes you money and not the other way around. OR, you can just send me all but five hundred dollars of my deposit back and I can promise you I can find a good use for it.

Thank you, I look forward to a better future for both of us.
MannyRee

Chat's with Shucks: 2

Me: zzzzzzzzz I'm so glad I get to take a nap!

Shucks:  :::outside, barking insanely:::  HEY!!!!!  COME GET ME!!!!

Me:  Shut up.  I'm napping.  You get to do this daily...for me, it's once a year.

Shucks:  No, really.  I need you to come get me.  I want to come inside.

Me:  No, it's nice out today.  Once I get out of bed, the nap is over. 

Shucks:  Pleeeeease?

Me:  Nope.

Shucks:  Pleeeeeease?

Me: zzzzzzzz

Shucks: :::most annoying bark ever::::

Me:  DUDE!  I wanna sleep.  What's your problem?

Shucks:  Um....monster?

Me:  No such thing.  Be quiet.

Shucks:  I think it's a monster.  It may be something worse, but I really want to come in.  Reeeeally want to come inside.  Now.  Please.  Right. Now.

Me:  No.

Shucks: :::more barking:::  I'm going to do this until you come get me, so you may as well get up and save me from the monster.

Me:  GAH!  Fine!  I'm coming to save you from the "monster" even though I know you really just want to nap under the computer desk.  :::throws blankets, stomps to door:::

Shucks: :::tangled up in his rope, unable to move, being attacked by goats:::  SEE?!?!?!?!  Save me, save me, save me!!!!  Please!  These monsters are getting me!  Look what they're doing.  Ohhhh, my dignity is gone, and now they're gonna kill me...::::starts sobbing hysterically:::

Me: Ok, I'm gonna' save you, but lemme go get my camera real quick -- this is hilarious!  :::Goats are gently head-butting the dog for no apparent reason, and he still can't move:::

Shucks:  You suck. 

Me:  Goats, will you please leave him alone for a minute while I get my camera? 

Goats:  No, we hate your dog.  He barked at us when we were trying to eat the rose bush.  We're going to head butt him to death.

Shucks:  Noooooo!!!  Monsters!  Scary monsters!  Save me!

Me:  Ok, fine.  No camera.  Goats, you need to go home.

Goats:  nah.

Me:  Yes, go home.

Goats:  Yeah, that's not gonna' happen so much.

Shucks:  Go home, monsters!  I'll Death Bark you!

Goats:  We are immune to Death Bark.  Prepare to meet your Maker, noisy dog.

Me:  Ok, this has all gotten out of control.  You guys need to go home, and the dog is going inside.  Go on, go home.

Goats:  No.

Me:  :::pushes goats out of the gate:::

Goats: We'll be back...we'll get you, noisy dog...

Me:  Shucks, what happened?

Shucks:  I'm not speaking to you, sleepy camera lady.  You suck.