Chats with Shucks

Shucks: Can I have your dinner, please?

Me: No. Get out of the kitchen.

Shucks: Ok. I'm just going to sit here and watch you eat.

Me: Don't.

Shucks: I'm just looking at you. Because you're pretty. Not at all because I want your food.

Me: No. Get out of the kitchen and stop whining.

Shucks: I'm not whining, that's dinner music. For you.

Me: You can't have this food.

Shucks: Good, because that is precisely what I don't want...that food right there.

Me: You're breathing on me. Don't breathe on me while I'm eating. Or ever.

Shucks: I'll scoot back a little if you give me a bite.

Me: No. Get out.

Shucks: Joking! That was a joke! hahahahaha! I don't want your food. I'm guarding you.

Me: Mmmmm.....this is really good. A dog would love this food. But you're not a dog. You're a cat. And a fox. You're a....well, there's no good way to combine those two words, but that's what you are. If you were a dog I would give you a bite.

Shucks: Good thing I'm not a dog, because I don't want a bite of that. It looks gross.

Me: It's not gross...it's sooooo good. It has bacon.

Shucks: That wasn't drool you just saw...I was...crying. Out of my mouth. Crying tears of joy out of my mouth because I don't have to eat disgusting bacon.

Me: It has chiiiiiicken....

Shucks: I gave up chickens for lent.

Me: It has cheeeeeeeese....soooo yummy....

Shucks: Cheese? And bacon, huh? And some chickens in there, too? Sounds....gross.

Me: Good, because I'm not sharing.

Shucks: :::Super Death Bark:::

Me: nope.

Shucks: I was talking to the kids. Warning them not to eat the bacon and chickens.

Me: Sure you were. Go outside. You're weird. Don't be weird at the table.

Shucks: Really? That's a rule now? I don't want your food, yo!

Me: :::throws bacon at the dog:::

Shucks: :::eats bacon in mid-air::: Gross! Yuk! Can I have more???

Me: No.

Shucks: Fine. :::sulks away:::

Me: ::::continues dinner:::

Shucks: :::sneak attacks Donovan's plate and eats all the chicken:::

Me: I thought you gave that up for Lent.

Shucks: No. Beer. I gave up beer and smoking.

Chats with Shucks

Shucks: What the...???

Me: It's just snow...go potty then you can come back in.

Shucks: It coldses my feet!

Me: Just go so I can shut the door.

Shucks: I don't have to go.

Me: :::shuts the door:::

Shucks: Wait. I do have to go.

Me: :::opens the door::: Go.

Shucks: But it's cold.

Me: GO.

Shucks: :::takes one step outside and slips off the porch::: GAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Me: :::slams the door and sits by the fire:::

Shucks: :::buries himself in a snow drift, flings snow everywhere, barks at it::: OK! Ize all done...lemme in lemme in lemme in!!!!

Me: Hurry, it's cold.

Shucks: :::standing in the doorway::: But WAIT! If I stand right here, I can play in the snow and still be warm! AHA!

Me: :::kicks him back outside and shuts the door:::

Shucks: NOOOoooo! Lemme in!

me: In or out, dude, it's 20 below out there, and you're not paying to heat this place.

Shucks: In! I think in...yes, I believe I want to go in...no OUT! That's it, I would like to go out, please. Out it is....except out is cold, so IN...please let me in. But the snow is fun, so out, but it's cold, so in....AW....what do I do????

Me: You stink. You're staying out.

Shucks: Did you feed the kids nuggets? I need to come in.

Me: No.

Shucks: If I don't bark at them all through dinner, they will choke and also eat too much because I won't be there to eat half their dinner.

Me: You stink.

Shucks: Fine. Let me in and I'll stay right here by the window.

Me: Fine.

Shucks: :::pulls the blinds down with his paw so he can see outside.:::

Squirrel: :::hops across the yard:::

Shucks: :::SUPER DEATH BARK:::: ::::tries to jump out the window:::

Me: I don't care about the pupsicle thing, you're going outside.

Shucks::: Hurry, that squirrel is going DOWN.

Chats with Shucks

Shucks: Dude. WTH?

Me: What?

Shucks: :::Super Death Bark:::

Me: Hey...it's the middle of the night. You're going to wake up the kids.

Shucks: Get in here.

Me: No, I'm chillin.

Shucks: :::Super Death Bark::::

Me: SHUTUP!

Shucks: Not unless you come in here right now.

Me: You come in here.

Shucks: I'm serious. There are aliens in the kitchen and if you don't get in here and help me, we're going to have a first-class invasion on our hands.

Me: Aliens?

Shucks: You're a mother. Don't you even care about your children? Their lives are at stake! Get in here now!

Me: :::sigh::: :::walks into the kitchen:::

Shucks: See?

Me: No.

Shucks: Look. Up on that table.

Me: This table? With a microwave and a coffee pot?

Shucks: Micro...what? That is an alien.

Me: Uh, no. That is a microwave.

Shucks: :::Super Death Bark:::

Me: STOP! It's a microwave, and you've never been bothered by it before. What is your problem?

Shucks: The eyes! The eyes! I can't look away! Run, save yourself....I'm a goner.

Me: Dude, snap out of it. It doesn't have eyes.

Shucks: Yes it does....don't you see? Those eyes.....so red.....We're all gonna DIIIIIIE!

Me: Those aren't eyes. Those are little lights because someone didn't clear the time left. :::hits the clear button:::

Shucks: Oh, ok. Sweet. :::runs into Dalton's room to bury a hamburger bun in the laundry basket::::

Chats with Shucks 4

Me: Shucks, where did you get this newspaper?

Shucks: I didn't get it, it was just here.

Me: No, I don't think so. We don't get the paper. Where did you get it? Did you steal the neighbor's paper?

Shucks: Who, me? Just because I eat a couple chickens, you think I'm low enough to steal their paper? Psh

Me: Yes, but I can't figure out how you got to the end of the drive when you've been tied up all day.

Shucks: Exactly...I didn't get the paper.

Me: Who did?

Shucks: It was just here, and it was already shredded like this, too...I had nothing to do with it.

Me: Really? I think you have a sugar-mama.

Shucks: Excuse me? What is that?

Me: I think the neighbor's dog is "keeping you", Shucks.

Shucks: What are you talking about??? All these accusations over a paper?

Me: No, but you had a chicken the other day, and I'm pretty sure it didn't get to your spot in answer to your constant calling of "GET OVER HERE, CHICKEN, LET ME EAT YOU!!!" I've seen the chickens laugh at you for that -- they're not coming anywhere near you.

Shucks: Wellll...maybe she did bring me the chicken.

Me: And the possum? Which, disgusting, by the way.

Shucks: Which possum? The one by your car, on the sidewalk, or over in the grass?

Me: Any of them?

Shucks: Ummm....she brought me all three of them.

Me: And the paper?

Shucks: Well, it's our first anniversary, which is paper, as you know...and see? She was being romantic and then we had so much fun shredding it up...and it was such a good memory.

Me: Is that why it's buried in the yard? Because I thought you were feeling guilty over the holes in the yard, and you filled them in. Turns out, they're all full of shredded up paper under a little bit of dirt.

Shucks: I just wanted to remind myself of how much fun it was. Also, I'm part cat, part fox, part dog, and just a little bit bird, so those are nests...

Me: Nests.

Shucks: ...

Me: Are you planning on laying eggs?

Shucks: Well, about that....

Me: No, you don't get to lay eggs and also chase chickens. I think there is something wrong with you.

Shucks: Oh, something wrong with me??? Who made their son get rid of the chicken and the possums? Wasn't that you, Little Miss Has it All Together? Yeah. It was. So get off my case.

Me: I'm not discussing this further. No more nests in the yard, people are starting to think you're not really a dog. Also? It would be awesome if you could quit using the Death Bark on the chickens, and start using it on people who are in our driveway at two in the morning.

Shucks: But I looove chicken. And the people were your brothers.

Me: This time it was my brothers, but I check the windows every time you bark and see nothing...the one time it's actual people, you just let them come on in.

Shucks: I'll bark at the people in exchange for building nests and a chicken per week.

Me: No.

Shucks: Nobody loves me like the neighbor's dog does.

Life Truths, from Me to You

So that the entire world, nay, the entire Interwebz! (Mars is online, right?) can benefit from my experiences of the last two weeks, I will try to narrow it down to

Ten Life Truths:

1. If you wear enough eyeliner, people are afraid of you. 
2. Sandwiches are always better if someone else makes them.

...

I meant Two Life Truths.  Yeah.  Because what else really matters, anyway? 

Today was D-day for us...as in DHS day.  It went fine, but they showed up right when I was leaving to pick up the kids from school.  They looked around the house, and made an appointment to come back tomorrow.  That'll be a fun talk.  I'm going to love every second of that talk.  No, really.  Because if you have a bully, but you can't tell their mom, your teacher, your counselor, or the principle, I think you get to tell DHS.  And they won't care, either, but it'll feel good to tattle.  And I'll be all "nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo!  I told on youuuuuu!"  And stick my tongue out and stuff.  Oh, how I miss kindergarten.

My dog just said that somebody is outside, so if this post ends here, call the police and my mommy, then rush over with cookies, because I kind of deserve cookies after the week I've had, and I don't think it's cool that my mom went out of town and didn't bring me any cookies first.  If the post continues, please be informed that my dog is a LIAR, and he tells me that bad guys are outside because he thinks he can convince me that there really was a bad guy before Shucks scared him away with his Death Bark.  So when I run to the window to check, he goes like this:

"Didja see the bad guy?  Didja, Didja?  Of course you didn't, because I skeered him away!  Cookie time!"

So he gets a cookie, because I can afford to send him to badass school and cookies for barking is really the best I can do right now.  Do you think there is a DHS for dogs?  Will they get upset about the cookie thing?  Or the badass thing, I wonder?  Or maybe his porch isn't clean enough for him...perhaps I don't clean up his poo fast enough?  Or maybe he needs better chow....dang it...I'll bet the Human DHS called the Dog DHS on me and now I'm in trouble with every-damn-body.  I knew this would happen.  I wonder if they interviewed him while I was off doing sinister things like laundry and dishes...oh I'm in trouuuuuuuubllllllle. 

Crap!  What if there's a DHS for Jason F. Brown...I know I've abused him.  All three of him.  Poor wittle Jason F. Brown...if there's a DHS for you, please don't call them on me, because I'm seriously booked till Christmas.  Wait a minute....Is there a DHS for Christmas?  Oh, man, because I know I am guilty of over-decorating at best, and could possibly be charged with bad karaoke on Christmas night. Actually, bad karaoke quite often...

...uh....

....there's not a DHS for karaoke, is there? 

Aw, crap.

Coffee and Ninjas

I took a break from cleaning this evening to go to my favorite coffee shop all alone.  The weather was awesome and it was very nice, but there is a place right next to it that gets kind of rowdy on Saturday nights.  I got a little creeped out being there by myself (outside after the coffee shop closed), so I decided to come home.

Guess what?  My house is the creepiest place on the planet!  Yay for that, yo, because I live here and everything, and it's not as if I ever need sleep or whatever. 

If I come home at night, I pull in the driveway and drive around in a big circle so that the headlights shine on my entire yard, just to make sure nobody is outside.  Am I just a little paranoid? Absolutely.  Tonight, it paid off, because there WAS someone in my yard.  My neighbor's dog...but this is good news, because when I came home last night, she was in my house.  She had lots of fun making a huge mess, and I honestly can't blame her because she'd been trapped in here for six hours.  It was quite comical after I got over the initial heart attack of coming home to somebody leaping out at me from my kitchen.

After I get out of my car, I look carefully around and make sure I can make it to my front door before anyone has time to jump out and get me.  It's a good thing I looked, too.  As soon as I got out of my car, I noticed a huge person hunched over about five feet away.  Don't worry about me, ok?  Because I'm actually a badass.  I used my ninja skills to scream like an idiot and shine my phone at him.  That is some serious self-defense, that whole phone-shinage thing.  It worked, too, because it hurt the guy so bad that he turned into nothing as soon as he saw the iPhone of DOOM.  So watch out, stalkers, I will vaporize you with my death-ray phone, and best of all?  No evidence.

As I unlock my door, I feel quite safe because I am too busy tripping over the dogs to get attacked.  Obviously, any attacker would see that I have my hands full at that point, so I wouldn't be much use to them until I was done with the trip-on-the-animals-while-trying-to-use-keys thing.

Once I am inside my house, that's when everyone tries to get me.  Because it's all dark and creepy, and every time a car drives down my road, I have to turn back into a ninja.  The move I use for that situation is called The Popsicle, because it involves sitting completely still and thinking of all kinds of horrible things People in Cars would do to me.  This move works very well, because every car but one has kept moving without stopping at my house.  You can read about that car here.

After I scare all the cars away with The Popsicle, the only thing I have to worry about is all the people trying to break in all night long.  I know they are, because there is a tree outside my bedroom with these hard things on it (I don't know what they are), and every time someone wants in, the tree warns me by throwing things on my roof and making a sound exactly like someone trying to break the door down.  This is a very nice thing for the tree to do.  When this happens, I go ahead and use my most powerful ninja move, the Text the Country Boys combined with Shake Like a Leaf.  Sometimes, these two aren't effective when used together, because I end up texting something like:

Ok, guts...please come over.  Bring gins and speed.

So the Boys think I just want to get high and drunk, and they roll their eyes and go "Oh, that Manny, she's always trying to get into some kind of trouble...LOL...If she's on speed, there's no way she'll ever shut up, so I'm not going near that house!"  Which, yeah, I need to work on my moves a little, but most of them work.

If all else fails, Shucks and the Death Bark are always there for me, but I try to save that for the really bad dudes, like Jehovah's Witnesses and awkward people.

Chats with Shucks 3

We got one of these:

Hence the following conversation:

Me:  Ooo lookie, Shucks!  This will be perfect for you while we're at school.

Shucks:  What?  It's water, what's so special about that?

Me:  It dispenses the water, Shucks. 

Shucks: oooo-kay.

:::neighbor's dog comes up and drinks a bunch of the water:::

Shucks:  :::DEATH BARK:::  :::pees himself a little:::  :::hides behind the porch railing:::

Me:  What's wrong, Shucksie?

Shucks:  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  It tried to eeeeat me, it tried to eeeeeat me!  Make it go away!

Me:  What are you talking about?  It's just water.

Shucks:  Angel (the neighbor's dog) took a sip, and it growled at her.  I heard it.  And it made these weird bubbly things in its belly.  Please take it away.  I don't need water.  I'll be fine.

Me:  Growled?  The water growled at you?  Really, Shucks?  Really?

Shucks:  No, smart ass, the dispenser growled at me. 

Me:  Um...I don't think so, dude.

Shucks:  :::death bark:::  stand back, I'm gonna' take care of this.

Me:  You're hurting my ears.

Shucks:  Ok, fine, just watch for a second, it'll growl again.

Me:  ...

Shucks:  :::watches patiently:::  :::Death Bark, just in case:::

Me:  :::taps foot:::

Water Dispenser:  :::drips a little water from the foot-tapping and then bubbles/gurgles as more water is dispensed:::

Shucks:  Noooooooo...stop the tapping!!!  It's gonna' get you, and I have to tell you, I'm not going to save your sorry butt, because I warned you.  As soon as I chew through this rope, I'm outta' here, and you can deal with the dispenser monster all alone.

Me:  :::explains the gurgling using extremely technical terms, and fully disproves the monster-ness of the dispenser, sounding highly intelligent and looking amazing at the same time:::

Shucks:  Both your beauty and intelligence are wasted on me, woman.  I'm not going near that thing.

----------------------------------------------

Three days later:

Shucks:  :::gasps::: water!  I need water!

Me:  It's right there, being dispensed, yo.  Go have some.

Shucks:  Fine.  You win.  But if I get eaten, I will come back to haunt you.

Me:  Done.  But if you try to haunt me, I'll sic the toilet on you.

When I Asked You to Stock Me, I Wasn't Serious

First of all, let me tell you that I do know how to spell stalk, but I find it extremely funny that Internet thinks you spell it "stock".  So, now that we have that cleared up...

Dear Stalker,

I thought it was weird when you followed me home the other night and did a u-turn as soon as I pulled in my drive.  I was slightly concerned when you showed up in my driveway at 5 on a Sunday morning, sat there for a second, then left.  But when you didn't come in and stab me or steal my trash, I let it go.

When I saw you creeping down my dead end road last night, after I knew all my neighbors were locked down for the night, I started to worry.  When you parked your car behind the trees near my house and turned off your lights, I knew I was right to be a little freaked out.  When I saw nothing for a few minutes except for what looked like someone lighting a cigarette, I started to think I was a little full of myself and maybe I just wanted a stalker so badly that I imagined one.  But I called my brother anyway. Actually, I called my mom, and said "Send Brother and his gun over, please...don't worry, probably just some kids making out in their car, but just in case." 

When my dad, my mom and Brother showed up, and after I attached the dog's leash to my jeans (with the dog on the other end, of course) (because I couldn't let him eat any chickens when I was expecting him to save his appetite for stalkers) and stuck my Giant Killer Super Dangerous Gun in my back pocket, I finally got the nerve to go outside and see who those rascally teenagers were and if they were indeed making out or if they had any pot they wanted to share in exchange for not getting eaten by Shucks.  Lo and behold!  It wasn't teens at all.  I do have a stalker.  It's you.  Ass.

Let's get this straight.  When I asked for stalkers, I only meant to please follow my blog, and, if you're really feeling crazy, comment every once in awhile, because blog comments are like crack for writers.  I did not mean to literally show up in the middle of the night, scare me to death and make me invite armed relatives over for a little family reunion.  Dude, seriously. 

So, stalker, please go home now.  Please leave me alone.  In case you haven't heard, my dad is crazy and likes to shoot at stuff.  Also, Brother is very angry, and I once defended him from Scary Old Dude, so he owes me one.  If you happen to get past them, you'll have to deal with My Mom, and she's a pretty bad mama bear when someone messes with her babies.  And Shucks hasn't had chicken in a veeeerrrry long time, and also has Death Bark.  Last but not least, I'm not dealing with it any more.  This is my town, yo.  I have surrounded myself with rednecks for a very good reason, and son, you're that reason. 

Very Sincerely,
Me

Chat's with Shucks: 2

Me: zzzzzzzzz I'm so glad I get to take a nap!

Shucks:  :::outside, barking insanely:::  HEY!!!!!  COME GET ME!!!!

Me:  Shut up.  I'm napping.  You get to do this daily...for me, it's once a year.

Shucks:  No, really.  I need you to come get me.  I want to come inside.

Me:  No, it's nice out today.  Once I get out of bed, the nap is over. 

Shucks:  Pleeeeease?

Me:  Nope.

Shucks:  Pleeeeeease?

Me: zzzzzzzz

Shucks: :::most annoying bark ever::::

Me:  DUDE!  I wanna sleep.  What's your problem?

Shucks:  Um....monster?

Me:  No such thing.  Be quiet.

Shucks:  I think it's a monster.  It may be something worse, but I really want to come in.  Reeeeally want to come inside.  Now.  Please.  Right. Now.

Me:  No.

Shucks: :::more barking:::  I'm going to do this until you come get me, so you may as well get up and save me from the monster.

Me:  GAH!  Fine!  I'm coming to save you from the "monster" even though I know you really just want to nap under the computer desk.  :::throws blankets, stomps to door:::

Shucks: :::tangled up in his rope, unable to move, being attacked by goats:::  SEE?!?!?!?!  Save me, save me, save me!!!!  Please!  These monsters are getting me!  Look what they're doing.  Ohhhh, my dignity is gone, and now they're gonna kill me...::::starts sobbing hysterically:::

Me: Ok, I'm gonna' save you, but lemme go get my camera real quick -- this is hilarious!  :::Goats are gently head-butting the dog for no apparent reason, and he still can't move:::

Shucks:  You suck. 

Me:  Goats, will you please leave him alone for a minute while I get my camera? 

Goats:  No, we hate your dog.  He barked at us when we were trying to eat the rose bush.  We're going to head butt him to death.

Shucks:  Noooooo!!!  Monsters!  Scary monsters!  Save me!

Me:  Ok, fine.  No camera.  Goats, you need to go home.

Goats:  nah.

Me:  Yes, go home.

Goats:  Yeah, that's not gonna' happen so much.

Shucks:  Go home, monsters!  I'll Death Bark you!

Goats:  We are immune to Death Bark.  Prepare to meet your Maker, noisy dog.

Me:  Ok, this has all gotten out of control.  You guys need to go home, and the dog is going inside.  Go on, go home.

Goats:  No.

Me:  :::pushes goats out of the gate:::

Goats: We'll be back...we'll get you, noisy dog...

Me:  Shucks, what happened?

Shucks:  I'm not speaking to you, sleepy camera lady.  You suck.

Chats with Shucks

Me:  (freaked out) What's wrong, Shucks?  Is there a bad guy outside?

Shucks:  No, it's this scary white thing in the bathroom...it's...well, I've never seen anything like it.

Me:  Dude, it's a toilet.  It's like, the whole point of the bathroom.

Shucks:  No, I mean it, I think it's a murderous shape-shifter or something.  It's totally gonna' eat us.  I'm gonna' bark at it until it dies.

Me:  It's two o'clock in the morning.  I don't think it's going to eat us.  Let's stop barking and go to sleep.

Shucks: :::barks louder:::  nuh-uh, I still think it's dangerous...I better bark some more.  I have super-death-bark powers, and eventually, this thing is gonna' come crashing down.

Me:  :::shuts the bathroom door:::  There, now it's locked in and it won't get us.

Shucks:  Well, ok, but I'm going to lay right here next to the door all night, and if I hear so much as a peep, I'm breaking out my Death Bark and maybe even some Super Paw Shakes.  If that doesn't work, I'll hide in the closet and you can tell me when you've killed it.

Me: zzzzzzz

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Two days later...)

Shucks:  :::barking maniacally at the bathroom door:::  Do you hear that?  It's talking to me.  It said it's going to eat us.  I told you.

Me:  It's just flushing, it's supposed to do that.

Shucks:  Why hasn't it stopped?  Nobody is in there...unless it's eaten one of the kids!!!! :::GASP:::  :::furious barking:::

Me:  Shut UP!  The kids are asleep...it's an old toilet.  :::jiggles the lever:::  See?  It's not talking anymore, go to sleep.

Shucks: :::giant doggy sigh:::  You have no clue, woman.  I'm tellin' you that thing is going to get us some day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Three weeks later, landlords have installed a new toilet)

Me:  :::ears bleeding from terrible barking noises:::  WHAT IS THE DEAL????

Shucks:  I TOLD you, I TOLD you...it looks all different.  I told you it was a murderous shape-shifter!  Why don't you listen to me.  Now you go away so I don't accidentally hurt you with my Death Bark and Super Paw Shake.  :::proceeds to blast new toilet to smithereens with Super Death Bark:::