Emma, Queen of Everything

I think my daughter is part Tasmanian Devil.  I don't really know what those act like, except for Taz, but that's who she is.  She's all fine and sweet and loving until you make her mad, then she starts spinning and screaming and destroys anyone in her path. 

This happens every day on the way home from school, at least once at bedtime, and then usually another three or four times throughout the day. 

I'm not sure why she lets everyone get to her so bad.  Honestly, she's a lot like me, but people just don't piss me off like they do her.  I keep trying to get her to chill, but the doctor says she's too young for Xanax, and apparently, you get arrested if you give children alcohol, so I'm at a loss.

When she's not angry, she is full of hugs and kisses and conversation.  But all it takes is someone making a weird noise at her or looking at her wrong, and she's off.  So naturally, her brothers do these things as often as possible. 

I'm thinking cage match.  Every time they want to get her going, just lock 'em in a cage and let her go off.  But Google says that's illegal, too.  Damn Google, so judgemental.

I love that kid, though.  I always have a bond with the rotten kids, because they remind me of myself when I was a kid, and also myself now.  Watch out for this one, Interwebz.  She's going to kick ass, take names, and still be devastatingly beautiful when she's done.  If only she would knock it off when I'm trying to drive.

I'm too classy for Jason F. Brown

So, Jason F. Brown, I am number TWO!  And I don't mean poop.  I mean in the Google search, right behind the stupid producer.  Hollywood always wins, and I think the producer should be number two (the poop kind), because if I could decide how things go, that's what I would do is turn someone to poop over Google wars, and also I would invent fairies that clean my house to cancel out the invisible people who mess it up, and probably require french fries every day with cheese and bacon and ranch and that would pretty much be all the decisions I would need to make because, really, what's not perfect about this?
I am not going to talk about anything on this list:
Jason F. Brown
Poop
DHS
school
The Ex from hail

So that leaves only one subject...my smartass kid.

My daughter is a total smart alec.  I blame the parents.  Oh, no...not her parents.  Mine.  Because I remember when I was younger and I heard my parents muttering something about waiting until I have a daughter and they would just laugh....only now do I realize they were cursing me.

A conversation with Madilynn:

Me:  You are grounded because you went to the neighbors' yesterday when I told you to stay home until your chores were done.

Madi:  I'm grounded?

Me:  Yes

Madi:  What does that even mean?

Me:  You know what it means -- no going anywhere, no TV, no computer

Madi:  I'm not sure I went to the neighbors'.

Me:  Yes, you did.

Madi:  Wellll...I'm not sure you told me not to.

Me:  Yes, I did.

Madi:  Oh.  I'm not sure I heard you.

Me:  Yes, you did.

Madi:  Oh.  Well....was it Don't Listen to Mommy Day?
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Here's a conversation with my other daughter, Emma:

Me:  Guys, I need you to get your homework done right after dinner.

Emma:  No, Mama-Stupid.

Me:  Excuse me?

Emma:  No, Mama-Stupid.

Me:  You are not to call me that.

Emma:  Ok, Mama-Stupid

Me:  Go to your room.  We don't say stupid.

Emma:  Donovan says stupid, Mama-Stupid.

Me:  Nobody knows what Donovan's saying ever...don't tell me he says that.  Go to your room.

Emma:  Yes he does, Mama-Stupid.

Me:  ::::screaming:::: :::pulling my hair out:::: 

Donovan:  NO, Mama-Stupid!!!!

Emma:  See?  Mama-....

Me:  :::interrupts::: Emma, don't you dare.

Emma: ...Cutie...I was saying Mama-Cutie!  Do I still have to go to my room Mama-Cutie?
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So, like I said, my parents really need to do something about this.

Random Bits and Pieces, Because I Have Nothing to Say

For Rochelle, from The Journal:

"Dad is being so mean to me!  He called me a smart alec tonight.  (Psh) Whatever an 'alec' is. (Yes, because that wasn't smart Alec at all...wonder why he would've called me that.  Meanie.)

"I'm SO upset!  Last night, I closed with Brian (A guy from work who I swore to marry one day...never happened.), and we got into a big fight.  See, first, he ate my cookie...." What??? 
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Other Randomness:

:::walking back to class from a meeting:::  "Wait, there were five of us, where did the other person go?...one, two, three, four...Oh...yeah, we're five people.  Good thing I chose accounting." -- Me

My four year old niece ten minutes after my eight year old lost a tooth -- "Aunt Mandy, I keep pulling and pulling, but why won't my tooth come out?"

After School:
Warrick:  Mommy, I'm the best at science in my whole class!
Huston:  And I'm the fastest reader!
Madilynn:  And I'm the best at being have!  (She thinks when I tell her to behave, I'm saying to be have.)
My niece:  And I'm the shortest!

Emma's teacher:  We finally got assigned seating.  With four year olds, it takes some time because some personalities just don't need to sit near each other. 
Me:  Emma, I saw where you sit at school.
Emma:  Yeah, I sit on ducks, but I used to sit on boats.
Me:  :::I knew that teacher was talking about my kid!:::  Were you fighting with someone?
Emma:  :::The kid who can kick anybody's ass:::  Well, some kid pushed me.
Me:  So...what did you do?
Emma:  Nothing.  Until the next day and I punched him.

Is it wrong that I'm a little proud of this?  Yes. The answer is yes.  So I only cheered for her silently in my head, while I told my daughter that we don't hit anyone, even if they have it coming. 

It Started to be About Manners, but Ended Up with Hair Dye

I had to take the kids in to the school to be "evaluated", because they are going into public school this year after being home schooled.  Apparently, public schools are racist against parents who like their kids.  Anyway, I live in a snobby town.  It was kind of difficult to sit there for two hours in the lobby with all the kids because they were hungry and bored.  I was slightly frustrated, but I was trying to be smiley and nice to people, because I figure I'm stuck with them for at least one school year.  They weren't nice back.

While I was carrying two screaming (and rather large) children, a woman came in with a box of cookies and two boys about ten years old.  I held the door, expecting one of her boys to get it, so that I could juggle my kids.  They didn't.  My kids would have, or they would have at least said thank you.  Hers didn't.  Ok, not everyone teaches their kids these things, and even if they do, kids don't always notice this stuff, so I was all right with that.  Then she walked through the door.  I looked directly at her, smiled and said hi.  She just walked by.  She didn't say thank you or anything.  Um, excuse me?  I know she noticed me...the door didn't open by magic...it was being held by a woman holding two children/tornado sirens.  I wanted to yell at her, but I talked myself out of it.  I'm glad I did, because apparently, she works at the school.  I don't want to start off being psycho-mom.  (That will come later, but I try to hold off for the first month.)

(PS This same woman left her kids out with mine while she went to work, but as soon as our kids started playing together, she came out and made them go around the corner....???  What was that?)

So I sat there forever.  I noticed that every woman working there or coming in with paperwork looked exactly alike.  Their hair is the same shade of blonde.  Same cut.  Same body, clothes, shoes....wow.  I mean, it was like someone had a cookie cutter shaped like elitist-Stepford-wife-snob-no-manners and made lots of them and dumped them all into one spot.  It kind of freaked me out.

Maybe that's why none of them could hear me when I said hi?  Like, maybe the hair dye messes with your hearing and you can only hear people who look just like you?  I have to go back to meet with them today, but I'm worried they won't know I'm there unless I bleach my hair and lose a few pounds (ok, more than a few, shut up).

I am not sure I'm going to fit in here at all.  But that's ok, because fitting in isn't really my thing.  It is a little intimidating, though.  There were a few women who were nice to me, but they weren't made from the cookie cutter.  So I'm really going with the hair dye/hearing theory. 

The meeting today is to go over whatever they learned about my kids during their evaluation.  I don't want to go, and I'm a little afraid of the reputation I'm going to give myself if they start telling me what to do with my kids.  On the upside, I may be able to snap a picture to show you guys how much they all look alike.  I'm sure they want to be internet famous...although it probably won't work out for them because nobody will be sure who is who.