Yesterday, I had an entire day of "doing nothing", and I was going to write about the problems women create in marriage. My "doing nothing" was interrupted with my two-year-old hot gluing his face to the dishwasher, the police showing up at the door to tell me my three-year-old was in the street, and making a meal for 8 out of chicken for 2. (Note to self: When sending hubby to the store, include the amount needed of each item, as he seems to forget how many people live here.) So, if you ever wonder what I do all day, look at what happens when I try not to do it. (Before you send me nasty notes about child endangerment, you should know that I am exaggerating -- I won't tell you by how much, but I am exaggerating.)
Well, I locked the door, thawed some pork chops and hid the glue gun, and I put in an Elmo DVD for good measure, so, Girls, it's your turn.
...
Yeah, the problem is, the women I am friends with are perfect -- they never screw up their marriage, and I, of course, have no personal experience in mistake-making, so here's what we're gonna' do...We're going to talk about the women we know who are not our friends, and the reason we don't like them is because they're not as good as us. Maybe their mistakes will shed some light on this subject. (HA! Found a way to do this without losing friends -- I am an excellent writer!)
Women should respect their husbands unconditionally. You see, men do not know that there are actually two separate definitions for the words "respect" and "love". You won't be able to convince them, either, 'cause it's in the Bible, and there's no changing it. So, as long as you respect him, he will be assured of your love for him.
Don't make fun of him. Boys didn't like it in kindergarten, and they don't grow out of that as adults.
Don't mess with his hat. (I don't know -- I just remember this from high school -- male equivalent of a bad hair day, maybe?)
Don't "nag" him. This means never tell him anything ever. Oops, I accidentally directed that one at the guys...I stink at this. Ok, men don't like nagging. I hate it myself. Ask nicely, and if that doesn't work, ask nicely again. If that doesn't work, keep asking nicely, and explain to him that you wouldn't have to keep asking if he would listen in the first place. (DARN! I just did it again, didn't I?)
Forgive and forget. It's hard, but boy they get mad if you keep bringing stuff up!
Never complain about money. This does nobody any good. Ever.
You may treat him like a baby, but never like a girlfriend.
Never claim to have a headache...you know, if he thinks you should wash the car or something, and you don't really feel like it. Just tell him you'd love to wash the car, and will do so as soon as you aren't mad at it anymore.
Clean the house. I know, right? hahahahahaha
Well, my children have realized that I am not in sight, so I have to go put out fires, now. Maybe I can come up with some more evidence against the girls on my next hour off.
