A few years back, I was in the produce section of the grocery store, and ended up following an ederly couple a few feet ahead of me. I overheard the wife barking orders at him and acting as if he was a complete idiot when he didn't forsee her every vegetable need. I marveled a little at her lack of respect, but for some reason, they intrigued me. The husband meekly obeyed her commands and apologized when she seemed offended. After a minute or two, I lost them behind the potatoes and forgot all about them. I finished picking out the perfect 5lb. bag and headed around the corner to the celery where I saw them arguing yet again. Well, she was arguing. He was nodding. Then he fell down flat on his back. I think he must have slipped because he was trying to get up and talking to the people who rushed to help him. I couldn't go help, first because I was busy holding the baby into the child seat, and second because I had seen his wife's reaction and I have to admit that I was having a hard time keeping a straight face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. But I think it would have been worse if I'd tried to help while I was laughing like a kid in church. And while I do think that people falling is completely hilarious, I never find it funny when old or pregnant people fall -- just regular people. (It's especially funny if it happen to be a cheerleader, a PTA mom or a drunk dude.) The only reason it was funny this time is because everyone else saw the guy fall and only that. I saw his wife.
She ran to a spot about two sections over (to the bananas) and spent a few seconds pretending as if she didn't know who in the world he was or what had just happened. She was just a granny looking for a good deal on bananas. Then, I think she must have realized that people would have seen them together, so she dropped the act and proceeded to scream at him. "Henry, I told you not to wear those shoes to the store! You won't ever just listen to what I say, will you? Now look at you! You've got what you deserve, that's what...embarrassing yourself in front of all these people. I'd sooner leave you here on the floor than try to deal with you anymore. Get up, Henry, get up. Why do you want to sit on the floor, anyway? It's dirty." Then, noticing the odd looks she was getting, she spoke to the people helping her husband. "Oh, don't worry about him. He's fine -- does it all the time. He just wants attention, and if you keep fussing over him it'll only encourage him." So, can you kind of see why I was having a hard time keeping it together?
To make matters worse, I realized in that instant exactly what was going on. I had wondered about her disrespect and his willingness to go along with whatever she said, but the reason had just become clear, and I shall now impart to you, gracious reader, the wisdom given to me that day.
You see, that couple looked to be in their nineties, but we'll say they were eighty for the sake of retaining a driver's license. They were more than likely married at age twenty, which puts them together for a good sixty years. Let me lay it out for you, so you don't miss anything...
In the first year of any marriage, the husband is not yet aware that he is married. It takes him at least this long to quit coming home drunk after hanging out with his buddies all night, and wondering what in the world his wife is mad about. This usually leads to his saying a lot of awful things that he will not remember the next day, but mark my words, she will. Forever.
Within the first year of the birth of the first baby, the husband manages to ask his over-stressed wife what she does all day. I don't mean that he asks out of interest. He asks because he thinks she's sitting at home twiddling her thumbs all day. Over the next fifty-nine years, she never manages to make him believe how busy she's been.
Before the end of the five-year mark, a wife has discovered all the things about her husband that he hid from her before they were married. This may be ex-girlfriends, or it may be the fact that he likes to snack on onions dipped in garlic right before bed. Either way, now she knows.
Between ten and thirty years, he has become a workaholic. He has also managed to do each of these things at least once: Call her fat. Ogle other women in front of her. Make fun of her. Tell her he doesn't like something she has cooked for him. Buy her an insulting gift. Say something awful about her family. Take his mom's side over hers. Ignore the children. Forget a birthday. Lose his wedding ring. Laugh at her when she falls down. (Wait, is there a pattern emerging? Oh yes, I think there is.) Ask her if that's what she's wearing...well, I'll stop here, because if you've been through the seventh year of marriage, you know this list already. If you haven't, you are probably mad at me for writing it.
So, this brings us up to forty years of marriage, and our couple is now fifty years old. Their kids are grown and either moved out or into the basement, where they read and write inane blogs in hopes of becoming famous writers. They are grandparents, now (unless their only child is the basement-dweller), and life is starting to calm down. They have both had minor health problems, but nothing to worry about. Perhaps she's had a surgery and still made dinner that night. Or maybe he's had surgery and been a complete pain in the bootay. Still, they've grown to know each other and get along as a team after all these years.
Something starts to happen here. She looks back on their life together and just gets pissed off at the old fart for all the stupid things he put her through, so she starts nagging at him over little things, like where he left his coffee cup, or how his belt isn't keeping his drawers up anymore and it's time to switch to suspenders. He wants to be offended by her behavior, but he's looking at his options, now. He doesn't really have hair anymore, and his military physique isn't quite what it used to be. And if truth be told, he doesn't know what he would do without her. Put this on low and let it simmer for another ten years or so.
We arrive at our grocery store couple. He knows that he's lucky to have her, she's stuck by him through thick and thin, never letting him get into too much trouble. Hers is the only cooking he enjoys, she keeps track of his meds, and after all these years, her saucy attitude only makes her more beautiful to him. As for her? Well, she may love him and never leave him, but she is still madder than a snake with a foot on its tail, and any woman who thinks he's a sweet old guy for putting up with her can have him if she wants him so bad. She probably felt bad when he fell down. She was probably feeling sorry for him, but she's taken care of that guy for seventy years...she knows when he needs babying and it's not like he was having a heart attack or anything. How often do you see an older couple like this? A sweet patient husband and a nagging cranky wife. Now you know why -- she's been busy for the last seventy years, and he still doesn't know what the heck she's been doing. And he knows that she's just letting off steam, that she loves him, and that it's his turn to put up with her for awhile.
Now, I'm not as jaded as I sound. This is just a guess. I've seen the older couples walking hand in hand, not needing to say anything, with smiles on their face. I'm betting that those husbands figured something out before their seventy years were up. And the wives? Well, alright. I'll talk about them tomorrow, because I don't have anything to do all day.
