There are no perfect parents. We will all be mentioned on a counselor's couch at some point in time. That's just how it is. So, in an an effort to make myself feel better about that, I'd like to take this time to share some of the awful decisions I have seen other parents make. This is a good excercise because I can always remember that I am not as bad as they are, and it's also just good old-fashioned American fun.
--------------Gross out warning: Pregnant People and Dads Need Not Read Further-----------------------
Once, my husband and I took our children out for dinner. I believe we only had two or three at this point in time, and the oldest would have been three. We were still pretty on-the-ball parents back then, not yet worn out by the effort of saying "no" 8764 times a day. Our kids knew how to behave in a restaurant, and we basked in the praise of our fellow diners every time we took them out. This time was no exception. Another couple was there with two young children, maybe one and two years old. Their kids weren't nearly as perfect as ours, so we delighted in chuckling at the sloppy efforts at parental control. The littlest one was cranky, and her parents could not get her to stop whining. We whispered to each other that, had it been our child, we would have taken her outside for a good talkin'-to, and been back in five minutes with a cheerful pleasant baby, proof of our parental superiority. After a few minutes, the little girl threw up all over their table, letting the rest of us know why she had been so cranky. Her parents stared at each other, the challenge clear on their faces: "I'm not getting up -- it's your turn."
My husband and I would have been talking about how awful they were for not jumping in and helping each other, but we were too busy trying not to follow the example of the little girl. A server came rushing in to help the other family clean up. The parents seemed to breathe a sigh of relief when they saw that they could make the server do everything but wipe up their child. They did at least that much -- they got out some baby wipes and cleaned her up as best they could at the table, then proceeded to... FINISH THEIR MEAL!
As we were asking for to-go boxes, appetites ruined, these people were sitting at the puked on table eating...not even looking around to notice how quickly they had cleared that side of the building. Their server, having cleared away a disgusting plate, did not come back. We were waiting on our check, discussing their complete lack of manners (everyone knows the Rule -- when your kid pukes, you leave.), and trying to make sure our own kids didn't breathe any germs that may have been floating around, when the inevitable happened...
Oh, yes, you know what it is. If you are any kind of parent, you know exactly what happened next, and you knew if before I said it, because you would have followed the Rule and taken your child directly home. These people didn't follow the Rule, so they got what they had coming -- she puked again. This time...well, I don't have to go into detail, but they didn't exactly have the option of finishing their meals after that one. Hubby and I split with our kids as fast as we could, rolling our eyes at the stupidity of people who obviously should have read at least one book about how to be a parent.
Lest you think I am too judgmental of these people, I shall make a confession. Five years later, I had spent a week at home with sick children. I had cabin fever, and it was somebody's birthday. Nobody had run a fever for 24 hours, so I convinced myself that we were fine, even though the baby (one year old, at the time) had been fussy all morning. We went to church, then out to eat for the birthday party. My son ate a couple of fries, and then cried through the rest of lunch. I tried to reason with him (notice my lack of taking him out for that "talkin'-to"), but he was being stubborn. I picked him at some point, I think because I realized he was bugging someone else at the table. As soon as I did he made like a volcano and erupted all over me. It was gross -- I mean, I'm a mom so I can handle some pretty disgusting things, but this was gross. I had on a long dress, and the entire thing was dripping. He wasn't done yet, and I did have the presence of mind to know that this was going to gross some people out, so I ran to the bathroom to get him (and myself) out of sight. I'm pretty sure I was too late to keep from grossing anyone out, but at least I tried. My sister (who hates puke) rushed after me and helped me clean up the baby, the bathroom, and myself. My husband found a change of clothes for me in the back of the truck, and after about half an hour we were as clean as we were going to get without a shower. It was time for the walk of shame back through the restaraunt past all of the people we had just put on a crash diet. I noticed that our friends and family had all packed up their uneaten food.
That was known as "The Incident" until the day that same child did something so much more disgusting that I can't even write about it in a public forum.
So, I may have ignored the signs that my child was sick just like those other parents, and he may have thrown up all over the place just like that other kid, but at least I took him somewhere else and cleaned him up myself, and I followed the Rule -- we haven't been back since. As you can see, I totally beat that other mom in the Not-As-Screwed-Up-As-You Contest.
