I touched on "False Advertising" in my previous post, but I see it as the core of marital disharmony, so it gets it very own post all to itself. Yay, FA!
Part Two: False Advertising
What do wives wish their husbands knew about FA? Well, lemme' tell ya'. Husbands, when you think your wife is not keeping up her end of the bargain, remember back to your pre-marriage days. What did she actually do to make you fall in love? Usually, the answer is "nothing".
Here's how the story goes: Woman is walking around minding her own business, being beautiful and smart and cute completely on accident. Man sees her and decides to keep her. Man is no longer allowed to keep woman just because he wants to, so he has to make sure she chooses to be kept by him. He begins performing all kinds of tricks to win her attention, her affection and, ultimately, her commitment while she continues to be her usual beautiful, smart, cute self. Man and Woman marry. The end.
This is where the FA ploy begins to fall apart. Let's take a look at what your wife thought she was getting versus what she got.
FA = "I only have eyes for you" After Marriage (AM) = "...until I have seen enough, then I will become afflicted with Eye-Roving Syndrome, and will no longer be able to control where my eyes point themselves."
FA = "I am romantic" AM = "...when it is a special occasion (that I didn't forget), or the day after each time I make you cry."
FA = "I am dependable" AM = "...if it suits my mood at the time and it's not football season."
FA = "I smell nice and use my manners" AM = "...for exactly fifteen minutes per day -- usually when I am at work and nowhere near you."
FA = "I am manly and tough" AM = "...until I get the slightest bit sick, then I turn into a gigantic baby."
FA = "I will take care of you" AM = "...until you are sick, because you will never be as sick as I, and I still need you to take care of me."
FA = "You are beautiful" AM = "...and that's the last time I'm saying it. Why repeat myself?"
FA = "You are smart" AM = "...until you say something I don't want to hear. Then you are an idiot who obviously doesn't remember that I am the head of the household. Oh, snap! I'm the head of the household! Submit, woman!!!"
FA = "I love your cooking" AM = "...almost as much as my mommy's -- maybe you could ask her for some recipes?"
FA = "I love kids" AM = "...for five minutes per day, three days a week."
Well, you get the picture. The glaring difference here is that women haven't given any false advertising. Now, later, we will discuss the point in time where maybe your wife isn't doing the things you want her to do, and I will tell you why that may be. Be very aware that it will be your fault. I can't help it. I am a woman, I am perfect, so I just can't help you out here, guys. Sorry. Really. I am.
