Sleep - Lying still with eyes closed, and then jumping up at five-minute intervals to find a pacifier.
Date – spending one hour getting dressed up, two hours telling a sitter what to do, fifteen minutes changing your clothes again because someone wiped their nose on you, getting in the car with your husband and deciding to go grocery shopping because it’s really all you have time to do before the sitter has to leave.
Baby-sitter - someone who will watch your kids while you are busy calling her every two minutes.
Baby - a small human, who eats, sleeps, cries, and goes potty while you somehow nurture her on instinct until she sleeps through the night and your brain works well enough that you can care for her on purpose.
Pet – the cute little thing you fall in love with when you’re pregnant, and can’t stand after your child is born. (AKA: Baby’s partner in crime)
Toddler - Baby 1.2 - does everything that a baby does but has the added features of walking and eating things found under couch cushions. Can also return affection (if properly napped).
Child – Baby 1.3 – upgrades on Baby 1.2 including no more need for diapers, ability to feed himself, extremely funny. Caution: will repeat naughty words at the worst moments.
Teen - Baby 1.4 - comes out of nowhere and replaces your baby. Does everything that a child does, but skips the affection and nap, and instead will perfect the art of wearing a glare for an entire week – even while sleeping.
Grandparents – Spoil Babies 1.2-1.3, then laugh as you encounter Baby 1.4 (Teen Version).
Vaccinations – an experience which requires a person to hold her child down while strangers stick needles into him. Highly traumatic, and may also bother the child.
Camera – device which, when attached to a mom or dad, causes Baby 1.1 to blink and squint for the entire first year of her life.
Facebook – a social networking website
Facebook for parents – a social networking website for babies who have seized control of their parents’ minds, causing frequent updates of things most people take for granted, such as the ability to roll over, sleep, eat or smile. (note: especially dangerous when combined with camera)
