At this point in my life, I hate grocery shopping to the point that I don't even care if we eat; I only shop so that I can have something to write about. Also? Still not quite worth it.
Yesterday was the Big Day (as in we didn't have anything for dinner, requiring a trip to the store as soon as school got out).
When we walked in, we got all the normal stares and pretty much ignored them because I was really busy trying to keep a vague list of things we needed in my head. Until one guy, who stopped and hollered "CAN I TAKE ONE HOME?"
This is actually a common question. Being in a cranky mood because of the whole Being at the Store thing, I told him he could just pick the noisiest one. He grabbed Warrick by the arm and said he wanted that one. That's where it gets less common, because people aren't normally too comfortable grabbing kids who don't belong to them in Walmart. This guy had made a point to be extremely drunk so that his level of comfort was somewhat different than, say, mine.
Just to reiterate:
People asking to keep a kid = common. People actually trying to take one = uncommon.
Drinking before grocery shopping = WIN. Drinking and grabbing my kids = FAIL.
Dude reeked of alcohol, then proceeded to squat down and try to talk to each one of my kids, who were terrified. I finally just grabbed them all and walked away. As I left, he leaned down into the face of this little old lady in a wheelchair and told her she was the most beautiful girl he'd seen in a long time. She hit the turbo on her chair and didn't stop until she got to the garden center.
After we lost Really Drunk Kidnapper, we happened into a guy with what seemed to be Cerebral Palsy, although I don't know for certain. By "happened into" I mean that Donovan tripped him and they both fell into the paper towel display. After the man yanked Donovan back to my side of the aisle, he decided to figure out what exactly was going on with me having all these short people at Walmart in the first place.
Dude: Are these all yours?
Me: Yes
Dude: No, I mean ALL of them.
Me: Yes, all of them.
Dude: And you brought them to Walmart?
Me: Yes.
Dude: Who helped you?
Me: Um...I helped myself?
Dude: No, I mean who helped you get all these kids?
Me: Get them...into the store?
Dude: No, just get them...it takes two people, right?
Me: Oh....uh...he's not here.
Dude: Well, he should be. He should be right here pushing another cart and holding a couple kids! How are you going to push the cart while you're holding that kid?
Me: I've got lots of practice.
Dude: I'll help you!
So the followed me for three or four aisles, counting my kids over and over out loud, stopping every time to say "I can't believe you have three kids!" I would say "There are six." And then he would scream "SIX?? WHO HAS SIX KIDS???" My kids were also afraid of this guy, either because of the way he walked or because of the experience with Drunk Dude, so they stayed right next to me for once. And all the people looked at me and wondered what the heck was up with that woman, and tried really hard not to be anywhere near me, which turned out to be pretty awesome.
