I took a break from cleaning this evening to go to my favorite coffee shop all alone. The weather was awesome and it was very nice, but there is a place right next to it that gets kind of rowdy on Saturday nights. I got a little creeped out being there by myself (outside after the coffee shop closed), so I decided to come home.
Guess what? My house is the creepiest place on the planet! Yay for that, yo, because I live here and everything, and it's not as if I ever need sleep or whatever.
If I come home at night, I pull in the driveway and drive around in a big circle so that the headlights shine on my entire yard, just to make sure nobody is outside. Am I just a little paranoid? Absolutely. Tonight, it paid off, because there WAS someone in my yard. My neighbor's dog...but this is good news, because when I came home last night, she was in my house. She had lots of fun making a huge mess, and I honestly can't blame her because she'd been trapped in here for six hours. It was quite comical after I got over the initial heart attack of coming home to somebody leaping out at me from my kitchen.
After I get out of my car, I look carefully around and make sure I can make it to my front door before anyone has time to jump out and get me. It's a good thing I looked, too. As soon as I got out of my car, I noticed a huge person hunched over about five feet away. Don't worry about me, ok? Because I'm actually a badass. I used my ninja skills to scream like an idiot and shine my phone at him. That is some serious self-defense, that whole phone-shinage thing. It worked, too, because it hurt the guy so bad that he turned into nothing as soon as he saw the iPhone of DOOM. So watch out, stalkers, I will vaporize you with my death-ray phone, and best of all? No evidence.
As I unlock my door, I feel quite safe because I am too busy tripping over the dogs to get attacked. Obviously, any attacker would see that I have my hands full at that point, so I wouldn't be much use to them until I was done with the trip-on-the-animals-while-trying-to-use-keys thing.
Once I am inside my house, that's when everyone tries to get me. Because it's all dark and creepy, and every time a car drives down my road, I have to turn back into a ninja. The move I use for that situation is called The Popsicle, because it involves sitting completely still and thinking of all kinds of horrible things People in Cars would do to me. This move works very well, because every car but one has kept moving without stopping at my house. You can read about that car here.
After I scare all the cars away with The Popsicle, the only thing I have to worry about is all the people trying to break in all night long. I know they are, because there is a tree outside my bedroom with these hard things on it (I don't know what they are), and every time someone wants in, the tree warns me by throwing things on my roof and making a sound exactly like someone trying to break the door down. This is a very nice thing for the tree to do. When this happens, I go ahead and use my most powerful ninja move, the Text the Country Boys combined with Shake Like a Leaf. Sometimes, these two aren't effective when used together, because I end up texting something like:
Ok, guts...please come over. Bring gins and speed.
So the Boys think I just want to get high and drunk, and they roll their eyes and go "Oh, that Manny, she's always trying to get into some kind of trouble...LOL...If she's on speed, there's no way she'll ever shut up, so I'm not going near that house!" Which, yeah, I need to work on my moves a little, but most of them work.
If all else fails, Shucks and the Death Bark are always there for me, but I try to save that for the really bad dudes, like Jehovah's Witnesses and awkward people.
