Me: Shucks, where did you get this newspaper?
Shucks: I didn't get it, it was just here.
Me: No, I don't think so. We don't get the paper. Where did you get it? Did you steal the neighbor's paper?
Shucks: Who, me? Just because I eat a couple chickens, you think I'm low enough to steal their paper? Psh
Me: Yes, but I can't figure out how you got to the end of the drive when you've been tied up all day.
Shucks: Exactly...I didn't get the paper.
Me: Who did?
Shucks: It was just here, and it was already shredded like this, too...I had nothing to do with it.
Me: Really? I think you have a sugar-mama.
Shucks: Excuse me? What is that?
Me: I think the neighbor's dog is "keeping you", Shucks.
Shucks: What are you talking about??? All these accusations over a paper?
Me: No, but you had a chicken the other day, and I'm pretty sure it didn't get to your spot in answer to your constant calling of "GET OVER HERE, CHICKEN, LET ME EAT YOU!!!" I've seen the chickens laugh at you for that -- they're not coming anywhere near you.
Shucks: Wellll...maybe she did bring me the chicken.
Me: And the possum? Which, disgusting, by the way.
Shucks: Which possum? The one by your car, on the sidewalk, or over in the grass?
Me: Any of them?
Shucks: Ummm....she brought me all three of them.
Me: And the paper?
Shucks: Well, it's our first anniversary, which is paper, as you know...and see? She was being romantic and then we had so much fun shredding it up...and it was such a good memory.
Me: Is that why it's buried in the yard? Because I thought you were feeling guilty over the holes in the yard, and you filled them in. Turns out, they're all full of shredded up paper under a little bit of dirt.
Shucks: I just wanted to remind myself of how much fun it was. Also, I'm part cat, part fox, part dog, and just a little bit bird, so those are nests...
Me: Nests.
Shucks: ...
Me: Are you planning on laying eggs?
Shucks: Well, about that....
Me: No, you don't get to lay eggs and also chase chickens. I think there is something wrong with you.
Shucks: Oh, something wrong with me??? Who made their son get rid of the chicken and the possums? Wasn't that you, Little Miss Has it All Together? Yeah. It was. So get off my case.
Me: I'm not discussing this further. No more nests in the yard, people are starting to think you're not really a dog. Also? It would be awesome if you could quit using the Death Bark on the chickens, and start using it on people who are in our driveway at two in the morning.
Shucks: But I looove chicken. And the people were your brothers.
Me: This time it was my brothers, but I check the windows every time you bark and see nothing...the one time it's actual people, you just let them come on in.
Shucks: I'll bark at the people in exchange for building nests and a chicken per week.
Me: No.
Shucks: Nobody loves me like the neighbor's dog does.
