Something has gone terribly wrong here

I am not a morning person. I like the night time. I like it when everyone else is asleep and there isn't traffic or waking up or Things Needing Doing or whatever.

It's not that I don't like mornings. I do. I just despise doing things during them. Unless those things are drinking coffee and wearing giant pajamas and watching the sun rise through the window.

I can't stand rushing and fighting over the bathroom and waking up children who are perfectly asleep and going anywhere at all.

Before Noon:

You see? This should never happen to anybody. At first glance, it looks like my glasses are crooked here, but that is not the case. It's my eyes. My eyes are crooked, and that's what mornings do. This is bad, people, it's really bad. We need to do something. (Also, pay no attention to the misleading smile. When this was taken, I hadn't completely woken from a dream in which our pediatrician had prescribed Ambien and no homework to all the kids.)

I say we find all the morning people in the world (there can only be like ten of them, anyway), and their new job is to make the coffee. The rest of us can start everything at noon. The morning people are only allowed to talk to each other, because pep before noon is honestly too much, yo.

The rest of us should resume avoiding eye contact and develop a system of communication using only grunts and flipping the bird. Any speaking beyond that can begin at sunset, when the day gets fun and people aren't all down about having to go to work or making sure their cell phone is charged or whatever is bothering everyone during the day. Then it can be happy and there will be merriment and laughter throughout the land until we all go back to sleep around 6am.