Tomorrow is my night to host Bunco.
If you have never played Bunco, you are missing something. Basically, you put twelve women in a room with three tables. You feed them something. They walk around awkwardly carrying plates of food and drinks because either the table where they want to sit is full, or there is one empty opening but they are feeling obligated to sit by the person who is still alone. They eat some dinner. They talk for about an hour.
Finally, the person who actually has to pay for a sitter or who has already had twenty angry texts from her husband yells, "Can we play, please? I have to go home." Everyone rolls dice and switches chairs and yells and screams and rings a bell, then people win prizes. Then you eat dessert and go home.
It's lots of fun.
My mom watched the kids for me so I could go shopping, because the hostess is responsible for cooking dinner and stuff. I was wandering through the store and kept seeing this very tall man everywhere I went. Since I didn't have the kids and therefore had nothing to think about, I naturally made up a story about Tall Dude.
He's a fireman. And also some sort of lumberjack or something. Because he had this coat and it looked like a lumberjack coat. He lives in the woods and is a vegetarian, because everything in his cart was green. He saves children. I'm not sure from what, but he saves them all the time. He's like a super hero only not the fake kind. So I sorta had a crush on him by aisle three.
I had to go back a few aisles because I forgot something, and I saw him again. This was weird...did he forget something, too? He left his cart at the end of the aisle and followed right behind me.
I ignored him because I was pretty sure that if I looked at him, he would see I was in love with him and that would be embarrassing. So I pushed my cart allllllllll the way down to the other end. Only he was right behind me. Like, six inches away from me. And he didn't stop to grab any bread or anything, he just kept following me all close, whistling a tune. About halfway down, I started to get a little paranoid. Maybe he knew I had made up a story about him. Maybe he guessed that I had been crushing on him since the produce department.
But after halfway, he really should have found what he wanted or brought his cart with him. That's when I realized that he wasn't a super hero at all, and was in fact a serial killer, preying on women who were obviously mothers daring to run around Walmart late at night without their children. So I walked faster.
He followed faster, still whistling.
I still refused to look at him, and pushed my cart as fast as I could out of that aisle and to the checkout lanes.
He followed me.
O.M.G. I thought I was gonna die in Walmart. Not like I didn't know that was where I was going to die...I mean, if Walmart doesn't kill me, nothing will. But I just thought it would be from natural Walmart causes, not from being serially murdered by Tall Lumberjack Dude.
So I decided to face him and just see what happened. I turned around, and he stopped and stared at the coffee real hard. I said "Oh, right. Some hero you are, pretending like I'm not even here after everything we've been through. Jackass."
He grabbed a pound of coffee and left for his secret hideaway in the woods, and I left the store unmurdered.
The End.
