For Sale

Household Dysfunction Going Out of Business Sale!

Everything must go!  Hurry, these items will go fast!

1 - 6 pack of Natty Light, half-consumed.  Actually, half of three consumed, because who can drink a whole one?  Three times I thought the alcohol content would be worth it, three times it wasn't. 

18 - shoes, each missing its mate.  Various sizes.  Includes a free treasure map written by two-year-olds to help you locate the missing shoe.

1 - pr. of boxing gloves, useful for those drinking bones connected to the party bones connected to the staying out all night long nights.  Never used - decided it was fists or nothin.

4 - busted alarm clocks.  Perfect for those mornings when nobody wants to get anywhere when they belong there.

1 - giant couch.  Contains everything you need to discourage visitors in your living room, including knife punctures, childrens' names written in permanent marker, a small amount of snot and spit-up, dog hair, minimal amount of stuffing (including a portion hanging out at the top), *coffee stains and a very interesting smell. 

514 - psychotropic pills in a variety of strengths and brands.  Never tried them myself, but perhaps they would work on your own partner.  (Warning:  Apparently, they don't work if they stay in the bottle???)

1 million - pre-smoked ciggies.  All smoked at peak midnight hours during awesome emotional break-downs and hours long conversations with besties. 

6 - kids who NEVER EVER SLEEP!  Not for permanent sale, but you may come over and tell them to go to bed four thousand times each night.  (BONUS:  This one is FREE!)

17 - video games, various consoles.  Good for anyone who doesn't want to see their spouse for ten years or so.

1 - divorce attorney.  Doesn't return emails promptly.  Is very nice with shiny hair and watch.  Wears fancy shoes, and knows big words. 

1 - DHS social worker.  Comes free with a false charge.

BONUS BUY:  One dead something.  Free to first person who can get it out of the attic.  Extra smelly. 

All items are first come, first serve. 

Happy Dysfunctioning!

*I didn't spill it, the dog did. ;)