I should share this information, so, for you, Internet, a list of awesome government jobs:
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| Voted Busiest Employee: Ground Trash |
While the pay is very low, you have little recognition, and virtually no upward mobility, this is a great job for those who really wish to make a difference. In the office we visited today, Ground Trash served as entertainment for the children, and also something for me to glare at and step on, thus avoiding possible homicidal tendencies toward the other employees. As you will see, Ground Trash is certainly the most useful and under-appreciated of government employees. Other careers in this field include toilet paper, wall hangings, and hand sanitizer dispensers.
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| Voted Least Trained Employee: Realistic Looking Receptionist |
Most offices have a person who sits near the main entrance behind a desk. In most cases, this person is there to tell you where you need to go, or to call the person you are there to see. In the government office, her chief duties include: noticing, then pointedly ignoring anyone who seems to need any sort of help (including if they need directions, if they have questions or if they are on fire), shuffling five pieces of paper over and over in an attempt to appear busy, and cleaning the glass window that separates her from the regular people. This window is very important, as it keeps the RLR from being strangled at least thirty times a day.
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| Voted Most Useless Employee: The Breather |
Every good RLR needs a back-up breather. The breather sits directly behind the realistic looking receptionist and her chief duty is to breathe. She may also be called upon to answer text messages or chat with the RLR. Under no circumstances is she to do any actual work, lest the RLR have need of conversation, or the oxygen in the air ever become too concentrated. Her goal is to be sure that any and all plants are meticulously cared for and provided with carbon dioxide.
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| My Children are Overwhelmed with the Desire to Do Something Awesome in the Government when they Grow Up! Mission Accomplished, yo. (PS "stealy face" is the face she makes right before she grabs that brochure from her brother) |
- This is the worst field trip idea ever.
- Never ever go back here (except for tomorrow, cause they told me to)
- Never ever bring the kids back here
- It is NOT OK to grab some other woman's baby, even if said baby has been screaming for three hours, and the mother seems to be unable to hear it. Even if the baby asks you to. Not Ok.
- When you are on your second hour of waiting, and feeling a little murdery, it is actually a lot of fun to take very obvious pictures of the employees with your cell phone, then furiously type randomness to make them think you are a) trying to email their boss (even though their boss won't care, because he's head Ground Trash in Charge); b) texting their pictures to your friends (they start checking their hair and stuff); or c) putting their pictures on the Interwebz as revenge for their incompetence (but who would ever do anything like that? That's completely nuts.)
- If you ever see this woman:
...leave...apparently, this man was sitting there minding his own broken-legged business, when this woman sat down and started picking at his face, licking his ears and flicking things out of his hair. Seriously. I can't make this stuff up. I risked the picture for you, Internet, because I love you and I thought you should be warned about Crazy Public Grooming of Others Lady.
