I had to go outside just now, and the porch light was on. There were June bugs and I hate them. Then, because I try to always be nice, I sorta felt bad for hating them, because it's not like they hurt anyone or anything. I even like spiders - and they bite. (Ok, I don't like drunk spiders, but that has more to do with them falling in my hair....ohh....that's why I don't like June bugs...) Anyway, I started thinking that maybe June bugs are misunderstood, and here's the story I made up to force me to like them:
(It didn't work, by the way.)
JUNE BUG STORY
A long time ago, June bugs were known only as bugs. They were small, smart, and unobtrusive. They lived quiet existences in the dirt, and they didn't ever go out during the day, because they hated any kind of light. They would spend four years in the ground, growing up, and it wasn't until they had proven their adulthood that they were allowed to venture outside. Even then, they had to follow careful rules about never going near any light.
One young bug named Joe couldn't wait to be an adult so that he could marry his high school sweetheart, June. He heard a rumor that he would grow faster if he could get to light somehow. He snuck out every afternoon when the other bugs were sleeping and sunned himself until he grew to immense proportions. It wasn't long until he was the biggest bug ever seen.
He was ready to prove his adulthood, but June, he realized, was not. She was still tiny. Joe was very impatient to marry her, so he convinced her to go into the light, as well. It would take weeks of afternoon tanning sessions to get her to grow, so Joe thought it would be a good idea to hide her in a porch light.
After he had her hidden away, he went to see his mother to tell her that he was ready to be an adult. She was amazed at how large he had grown, and after three hours of the careful questioning that makes mothers the envy of police interrogators everywhere, she discovered that he had been in the light.
"Joe! You don't know what you've done!" She cried. "When bugs are exposed to light, they lose their brains, honey...within days. There is no cure."
Joe was in anguish over putting his beloved June in danger, and quickly explained to his mother what he had done.
"It's different for females, Joe. She will not lose her brain, but will be stuck in the porch light for the rest of her life, unless you can save her before you lose your brain."
Joe flew as fast as his wings would carry him to the porch light, but was too late, for alas! he lost his brain on the way. The only thing Joe could remember was that there was something very important he needed from the porch light, and he had to get into it.
So poor Joe spent every night for the rest of his life braining himself on porch lights until he couldn't fly anymore, at which point he would stand on his head and spin himself around with his wings until morning.
And, I assume, for every June bug you see on your porch, there is a mother-bug at home wondering if her unlucky son ever got the girl. So you see, don't be angry with the June bugs, they are hopeless romantics with broken hearts and no brains, just trying to remember what they left in your porch light.
