If you took Martha Stewart, made her a brunette and put a feather boa on her, gave her six small children, took away one arrest and added about twenty near arrests, threw a few poptarts on the floor, got rid of the snotty attitude and replaced it with badass, and took all but one hundred of her dollars away, you would have me. I'm the almost Martha of Christmas. No, really.
And in an effort to give back, I will guide you step-by-step through this holiday season.
Step One: Decor
We have moved into a new home this year, and were quite thrilled to see how our Christmas decorations looked in our new living room. We went from nine foot ceilings and spacious living to doors that smack you in the forehead if you don't duck and a living room that barely fits our couch. It was fun trying to squeeze all the Christmas into our new little space.
We have a five foot tall dancing Santa who used to occupy a prominent place near the mantel. He is no longer allowed in the living room because every time he swings his arms, he knocks a kid out of the window. However, he is also not allowed in the sight of Donovan's bed, because Donovan pushed him over the first day and is pretty sure that Santa has been out to get him ever since. Santa goes out on the porch along with the talking moose wreath to give Shucks a generous dose of holiday terror. Santa, by the way, is on strike now, and refuses to dance or sing, and instead shouts "ho!" when I walk by. This was amusing exactly once. Now I'm starting to get a reputation.
My awesome cousin came over and helped me decorate this year, and arranged a beautiful vase filled with ornaments to set near the TV. Then, another friend pointed out how it's shaped like a mouse, and now I need to decide if I should rearrange it or notice its mousiness all season. There is usually one thing every year that drives me nuts, so I'm thinking I'll leave the mouse alone and hope it cancels out the crooked tree.
The tree, the center of most Christmas decor, needs a more thorough explanation, so I will go into more detail. Please read the first few instructions carefully if you use a fake tree and have moved since last December.
1. Before you do anything, be sure your old tree will fit in your new house. Most people would use a tape measure for this, and I am sure that is quite adequate. If you don't have one, and yes, this is why I'm the almost Martha of Christmas, you should use a person. Have them pretend to be the base of the tree and hold it up while you assemble it. You don't want to put the real base down, just in case it doesn't fit and that would be some wasted effort. Your friend will be poked in the eye with branches and end up so far under the tree that you probably don't need a tree skirt, so make sure it's a good friend who will still love you after this. I prefer cousins or siblings...they have to love you no matter what.
2. After you establish that it fits, you can take it all apart in order to assemble the base. If you had free movers, the base of your tree is no longer functional. You will need three bricks, a bungee cord and a diaper (preferably clean). Poke the "trunk" of the tree into the center hole of a brick. If it's still a little loose, wrap the trunk in the diaper before you insert it into the brick. Make sure your cousin is standing by to catch the tree if it tilts. Put the other two bricks on either side of the first one, and secure all three together with the bungee cord.
3. Don't let your cousin leave yet, because the tree is still not sure how straight it wants to be. While she holds the tree up, you get a chair, a nail, a hammer and a plant hook. Put the nail where you want the top of the tree to reach on your ceiling. Then take it out and replace with the hook. Twist the top branches of your tree around the hook until it seems secure. Allow your cousin to let go, and your tree should be standing mostly straight and probably safe from falling over. You will know for sure after the ornaments are on. Good luck with that.
4. Find a pretty tree skirt to cover the bricks and you're all set for lights and ornaments.
Those are the basics for Christmas decorating. By Monday, we will cover putting the ornaments on the tree and whether or not lighted garland can share a plug with your refrigerator.
