Dear Kids,
Next time you go to your dad's and I have to have company that day, please get your crap off the floor before you go. My back hurts.
Love,
Mom
Dear Spider,
You're a jerk. I was trying to scrub my kitchen floor, and it's not easy for an old lady like me to jump up off the floor. I'm pretty sure you knew that, because you were probably sitting on that light fixture stalking me for a few days to make sure I was crippled enough for you to take advantage of me.
I have to give you props...you patiently waited while I scrubbed the entire floor, and timed your launch into my hair just perfectly. I guess you didn't realize that, while I can't get off the floor very quickly, I am a ninja with a bucket of water and a rag.
Nice move, by the way, trying to climb up your little string and await my return to the spot under the light. Too bad I got you with my trusty Windex bottle. What Mr. Clean can't fix, Windex can, yo...And your trashcan grave was more than you deserved for your schemes.
With all my love,
MannyRee
Dear House,
I love you truly. Maybe I am the only person who "gets you"...maybe not. But I love you. I know I was hard on you today. I had to be, though, because you've become such a slob, and that won't work for me. You really should take better care of yourself. I hope we won't have to discuss this in the future.
Love,
Me
Dear Momvan,
Please come home and start working again. I didn't realize how much you meant to us...
And really, can you be a momvan without the mom? No, you can't. Without me, you're just a van....which, not going to get you any cool points, you know? Not like "momvan" does. Everyone knows how cool those are. So come back, yo. Just till I can find my one and only truck.
xoxoxo
Mom
