Because my elevator advice was so kickin', or Dating after divorce

First, you need to make sure you're available.  If you aren't, you need to figure out why you want to date, and fix that situation right up.  If you can't, you need to get single.  Or if you can't do that, sorry, you're in a mess of trouble.
After establishing your singleness, you need to check your calendar to find out what year it is.  I've noticed that people tend to get stuck in the decade during which they got married/had kids/graduated high school.  So, if it's not 1980, you may want to tone down the bangs and the eyeshadow.  Also? Pants are much lower on the waist these days.  Once you discover the current decade, update your look.  DO NOT update in the junior section, unless you are a junior, or you are me (which you are not).  Do as I say, not as I do, yo.  Trust me.  You should learn any new slang, too, but don't use it (again, unless you are me) ('cuz dis biznitch knows what she's doing, oh foolish one.) (Shut up.)

After that, you have to go hunting trapping fishing for find someone nice.  This is the hard part.  Some things you should look out for are people who live with their parents, people who don't have a car, and people who are drunk.  The first two are obvious, and as for the second one, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if they start liking you when they're drunk, they probably think you are a couple notches higher on the old rating scale than you really are, so neither one of you really wants to be there the next day when you both realize this fact. 

When you finally do meet that special someone, you need to do some checking.  Make sure they are available.  If they aren't, please do not believe them when they tell you they are leaving their "other life" to be with you.  C'mon, haven't you ever watched Springer?  Make sure you are not related in any way.  Even if you're fourth cousins and it's legal and everything, this will still make for some awkward conversations from time to time, and let's face it, awkwardness = something to avoid at all costs.  And again, Springer, and do you really want to be one of Those People?  (No.  The answer is no, you do not.)  (Again, unless you're me, which, again, you're not.  Sorry.)

The last thing you should do before getting serious about somebody is to check their medicine cabinet.  I'm just sayin'.  They may have something you don't want to catch/deal with/pass on to any future children/hear about in any way. 

Once you've followed all my advice (as well you should have, because I totally rock at this.) (<---never say "rock".), you are on your way to a healthy dating relationship, and you're ready to meet the parents.  Or the kids, or whatever.  If you are a woman, you should dress very provocatively, and wiggle a lot.  Also, have a glass a bottle of wine before you go.  This will help you relax, and you won't remember what anyone was saying about you the next day.  If you are a man, be sure to bring your ego.  You don't want her dad to think you're too into her, so you should make a point to check out all the other women, and also maybe be a little rude to your girl, too.  If her dad or her brothers or sons start cleaning their guns around you, they are trying to tell you something.  What they are trying to say is "Will you please tell me what I'm doing wrong, and also offer to show me how to use this thing?"  Help them...men have a hard time asking for help, and this is the best they can do.  If they are shy about accepting your advice, then try taking the gun away and showing them what you mean.  This will help them relax and know you are a Nice Guy.

Once you've passed this stage, it's on like Donkey Kong (no, no, hands off that one, too...I told you, leave the slang to the experts: teens, Payton Manning, and me), and you are officially a couple.  Next step, borrow someones baby, move in with your parents (both of you), and live without money for a month.  If both of you come out alive, you have completed my Dating Certification.  If one of you is dead, I have no advice for you, other than I suggest that the survivor try video games or blogging instead of dating next time, because you obviously have no business being in a relationship if you can't keep your homicidal tendencies to yourself.  We learned this in kindergarten, kids, did we not?

If you decide to move from Dating to Marriage, don't.  Uh, I mean, congratulations!  :D  haha!  Silly typos!  heh Little slip of the fingers, there. 

So, all in all, it pretty much sucks for you that you're not me, is my point.