Ok, I promised last night that I would update y'all on The Situation. Due to the plethora of material provided to me last night, I simply cannot tell the entire story. And if I could, I wouldn't, because contrary to popular belief, I am not that big of a bitch. So, a condensed, hypothetical how-to.
If, say, you and your husband split up. And it's been nearly...oh...a year. And if he were to decide to start being a jackass....here's what you should do:
1. Find a house with some Country Boys nearby. These should be nice, good-looking Country Boys who like you. If they don't like you, you should move away.
2. If the Country Boys like you, feed them and
3. If (and this is a big IF) your ex starts harassing you with text messages at three in the afternoon, just ignore them, and hope it stops.
4. If (bigger IF), instead of stopping, your ex tells you he's on his way over to your house, then you alert your posse.
5. If (nearly impossible, but I've heard of this happening -- NEVER in my own experience) your ex then spends eight hours telling you all kinds of crazy things, getting drunk, and telling you he's coming over, then you need to do exactly what I would do IF I were you (which, of course, I'm not, and we discussed this the other day) which would be rush to the bathroom so you don't pee your pants, because that would be embarrassing. Then, call your posse over. Call the police over. Go out in your driveway and play with guns. Put the guns away BEFORE the police show up. Because this causes problems, yo, and you don't want any confusion on who should actually be shot.
6. If your ex texts you and asks (again) if he can please just come over, then you have some decisions to make. You could be all, "OK, yo...I don't know why I didn't just say that in the first place and save everyone a lot of trouble." OR, you could just ignore it and hope he stumbles into your Country Boy posse, because it just seems like it would be good old-fashioned entertainment. OR, you could list the arsenal currently contained in your driveway and warn him it may not be a good idea. IF I were you, I would chose that last option. However, seeing as how I have absolutely never been in this situation, I am not really the one to ask, now, am I?
7. If, the next day, your ex tells you that you are a bitch, because of the way you handled the evening, then you should probably ignore that, because dang, woman! What's your problem? Maybe you should have just tried to be understanding. But nooOOOoooo...you had to go and say no. You got all freaked out and scared. You called the Country Boys. You were unable to get a single thing done all day because you were getting threatening messages. You didn't get any sleep. And worst of all, you didn't say anything mean or nasty or hateful at all. You're such a bitch. My only advice for you after you've screwed up so royally is to just move into your parent's basement and become a creepy blogger, because really, there's no hope for people like you.
So, hypothetically, that is what I would say to those of you who find yourselves in these types of situations. If you were awesome like me, you would never experience anything like this, and you would live in bubbles of happiness filled with kittens made of chocolate and unicorns that poop rainbows. So, life would pretty much be awesome if you were me, but you're not, so you have to deal with crappy circumstances like these, is my point.
