My advice on how to deal with awkward situations...because you didn't ask, but I know you wanted to.
#1. TMI Chick. The person who tells you something way too personal or awful within the first few minutes of meeting them. This is one of my pet peeves. I usually like people when I first meet them, and when I don't, I usually find something to like about them the second time I see them. But when people do this to me, they get an automatic probation for at least six months before I will even consider liking them again. Have you ever had this conversation:
Me: Hi, I'm Mandy, nice to meet you.
TMI Chick: Hi. I'm TMI. Aww...is this your dog? What's his name?
Me: Yes, his name is Shucks
TMI: I love dogs. My sister has two who live with me now.
Me: Oh, that's cool. I love dogs, too.
TMI: Yeah. She died. My sister, I mean, died last month and I have to watch her dogs.
Me: Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
TMI: It's ok. My mom and Dad were killed last year, and I'm the last person in our family, and I had a hysterectomy so I guess it all ends with me. *sigh* :::looks at me questioningly as if I might be able to fix this situation:::
Me: Oh, uh...that's too bad...
TMI: ...
Me: ...so...well, I guess I better go...get some beer. Really nice meeting you, though!
Not that this isn't a sad story, but c'mon! This is less than one minute of conversation! What are you supposed to say to this?
Solution: Always carry a drink. If someone you just met mentions death, surgery or AA, hurry and swallow a chunk of ice. You need to choke a little so that your eyes water and you turn all red, then wave your hand like you'll be right back after you clear up your little "problem". Avoid running into TMI from then on.
#2. The Trapper. The person who catches you at a party and tries to hold you hostage. I never sit in one place at a party. I pretty much time my conversations, and if they last longer than five minutes, it's time to move on. I don't do this to be rude, but mostly because I rarely go anywhere without my kids, and if I don't check on them every five minutes, they're bound to be doing something terrible.
At every party, there are known "talkers", and most of us know who to avoid. But sometimes, people just turn into Trappers out of the blue. They are like predators, cutting you away from the rest of the crowd, trapping you in a corner, and standing directly in front of you, teeth bared, daring you to try to get away before they've finished talking your ears off. No amount of subtle hinting or body language works on these people.
Solution: First rule, never sit down. If you're sitting, you're very vulnerable, and you'll be eaten alive. If you sit down and get Trapped, don't come crying to me, because I warned you already. Second, if you are innocently standing and mingling, and you still get caught, you'll have to sacrifice a friend. You wait until you make eye contact with someone (anyone), and call their name loudly and wave them over to you. You have to be very aggressive about this, because if they can pretend they didn't hear you, they will, because they know exactly what you're doing. Say "Hey, Buddy! Have you met Trapper? He was just telling about blah, blah, blah, and it reminded me of when you blah, blah, blah...hey, I'll be right back, I'm gonna' go get us some drinks!" Then run like the hell and don't come back. (Don't sacrifice a buddy you really wanna' keep -- trust me on this.)
#3. The Proximity Person. These are people you don't know, yet are forced to chat with because of proximity, such as on the elevator, standing in line, or in a waiting room. Elevators seem to cause the most anxiety, because you're all at eye level and in a few small square feet of space, and you have no control over when you may exit.
I try to say hi when I get on an elevator, because I find it rude when I'm the first one, then someone else gets on and ignores me. I was there first, so it's like it's my elevator, which pretty much means the same thing as my house, and you don't just walk into someones home without saying hi, right? But after hi, there isn't really much else to say. If I have my kids with me, I just look at them and smile, like "isn't this exciting??? We're on an ELEVATOR, kids!!!" It worked for awhile, but now they're older, and they're all "Mom, shut up." So, yeah, that kinda sucks.
Solution: First, say hi, like I said. If there are ten people on the elevator, look them in the eye and say hello to each of them individually. If the mood seems right, go ahead and shake their hands or even hug them. Occasionally, even a little kiss would be appropriate, but never any tongue unless you've been together for three or more floors. At this point, clothing is optional and you should be throwing winks at the security camera, because you know the guys who watch that video all day have to be pretty bored. If the people on the elevator are all people you don't want to be that friendly with, you should immediately push the button for every floor between the current one and your ultimate destination, so that you have a possible escape every few seconds in case anyone tries to make out with you or say anything besides hi.
These are tried and true methods of coping with awkward people, but they aren't fool-proof. If you find yourself in a situation you simply cannot escape, then look to the experts for advice:
Old People: Old people don't care what anyone thinks about them, and they have no problem just saying they are done and walking away. If you aren't this bold, you could also try sudden incontinence.
Babies: Babies use incontinence, as well. Again, if that's not your thing, puking on someone is a sure-fire way to get rid of them.
My three year old niece: When she feels awkward, she does one of two things, and I think we grownups should adopt both of these as a way to deal with these kinds of situations...
Hook the sides of your mouth with your fingers and pull. You may stick your tongue out if it feels right to you.
Also, raspberries. Like, the kind with your mouth, not the kind you eat. It works like magic for my niece.
