After trying to explain to the sheriff's department that I wasn't one of Those People who get divorced all white trash style and have to call the sheriff's department, and he rolled his eyes at me, I decided to do whatever it takes to class this divorce up a little bit. So, first I found me a fancy pants lawyer. He has shiny hair and a big watch, so that'll do real well. Then, I went to meet with him and sat at a loooong table with huuuge chairs, even though it was just me and him. That was fancy, too, even though he didn't offer me a drink, which I think would have been absolutely appropriate, and also needed, but probably would have made him roll his eyes at me when I insisted I was a teetotaler.
I started telling him how classy of a client he just landed, and how I never do anything trashy at all, and therefore my kids would be better off in my custody, because I won't white-trash them up or anything, because we only have good clean fun and we aren't rednecks AT ALL.
See?
So, after I had him thoroughly convinced, I then had to explain to him why they should not go live with my ex, and I was trying really hard to not be mean about that, either, because I don't really have to be. I think divorce is like politics. Mostly, people fight based on "I don't suck as bad as the other guy", when in reality, it should just be "I am awesome enough that the other guy doesn't matter at all." However, just in case, my lawyer wanted to know what's going on with my ex.
So I told him. Only it kind of blew up in my face, because here's kind of how the conversation went:
Shiny-haired Lawyer: So, your ex has had some unstable behavior patterns?
Me: Yes
SHL: Like what?
Me: Well, he's been...:::insert three things here::: (Sorry, still can't be too mean on the Internets.)
SHL: Really? How do you know this?
Me: Well, my cousin told me.
SHL: Your cousin?
Me: Yeah, he hangs out with my cousin, but my cousin really likes me better, so I mean, I think we're good.
SHL: Would your cousin testify?
Me: Maybe if I buy him a beer.
SHL: :::sighs::: Nevermind, ..mutter mutter...subpoena
Me: Well, if not, maybe we could ask my cousins girlfriend or my other cousin or I have two other cousins that know :::different stuff he did::: and we could ask them.
SHL: Really. Sure.
Me: Yip.
SHL: Ok, know what? Let's talk about you some more, ok? Please don't say cousin anymore. So, obviously you're working full time.
Me: Nope
SHL: Part time?
Me: Nope...I'm in school
SHL: Oh, you're a full-time student?
Me: Not really...part-time.
SHL: Ooook...so, um, how many credit hours?
Me: Wellll....none? But I mean, well, it's vo-tech, so like, uhhhh....everything's kind of different, so I don't really get credit hours this semester, but..
SHL: Ok, wait, it's ok...let's move on. Have you ever done drugs?
Me: Let's move on.
SHL: Can you pass a drug test? Please tell me you can pass a drug test.
Me: OH...chyeah! Of course I can pass a drug test. Dude...I told you, I'm classy. Pshhh
SHL: Ok, well, are you shacking up?
Me: Waaay too classy for that.
SHL: Do you beat your kids?
Me: I'm so classy, I have nannies that beat my kids for me, yo.
SHL: uh...well, is your house clean?
Me: Well, see? The thing is...um...well, like, what do you mean by clean? Because if you mean is it classy, then absolutely yes. If you mean is there a big mess on top of all the class, then also yes.
SHL: :::sighs::: Ok, I'm going to see what I can do with this, and I'll get back to you tomorrow. Can you at least pay me?
Me: Hang on...lemme text my mama and see...
